About to Step into the Ring (Blog #635)

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Today I’ve felt ick and nauseated. For one thing, it’s Christmas Day and my immediate family doesn’t celebrate, and that’s not fun. It feels like all those weddings I used to work as a single, in-the-closet photographer. Like the whole world’s happy and together, but not me. Whatever, the holidays are complicated for a lot of people. So many memories, so many emotions. Plus, I’m having surgery on my left knee tomorrow to repair my ACL, and that’s got my stomach tied up in knots.

Ugh.

This afternoon I put the knee brace my surgeon’s office gave me in the back seat of my car, Tom Collins. They said I’d wake up in it after surgery. The brace, not my car. I also un-decorated my crutches, which for the last few weeks have been decked out in Christmas tinsel, ever since I was in that tacky holiday variety show at the local theater. Anyway, I put those in the back seat too, as I’ll be needing them again starting–soon. This is part of what’s got me upset. For a week and a half now I’ve been crutches-less and walking on my own. Granted, my walking has been slow and not always pain-free, but at least I’ve felt independent. But starting tomorrow it’s back to square one, hobbling around and asking people to bring me things. I guess it just feels like I’m going backwards.

I realize this isn’t the case. Tomorrow’s surgery is an important step (pun intended) in this whole process and absolutely necessary if I want my “world of movement” to look anything like it did before. But it’s a lot, emotionally. Sure, the surgeon does this every day, but I don’t. I’ll be going under. There will be scars. And whereas the surgeon said the scars wouldn’t be a big deal because I have hairy legs, it’s still a big deal to me to be both cut open and permanently marked.

Also, sometimes I shave my legs.

Now it’s nine at night, and I’ve got to be up at six in the morning. I can only have food and liquids for the next three hours. I still have to shower, pack a small bag, and make sure I have my shit together. Honestly, I don’t imagine I’ll get much sleep. For one thing, I’m not used to going to bed before midnight. More like two in the morning. For another thing, my mind is racing.

I wish I knew how to make it stop.

People do these things every day–have surgery, go through rehab, get through the pain. People walk again. People dance again. So part of me knows it’s possible. And whereas I know I’ll do as I’m told, push through, and probably overachieve (because it’s one of my things), I’m honestly not looking forward to it. You know how sometimes you’re ready for a fight, and sometimes you’re not? Well, I’m not. This isn’t a fight I was looking for or even wanted once it found me. And yet here I am about to step (sort of) into the ring. So I’m taking deep breaths and preparing to do my best.

Here we go.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Just as there’s day and night literally, there’s also day and night emotionally. Like the sun, one minute we’re up, the next minute we’re down. Our perspectives change constantly. There’s nothing wrong with this. The constellations get turned around once a day, so why can’t you and I? Under heaven, there’s room enough for everything–the sun, the moon and stars, and all our emotions. Yes, the universe–our home–is large enough to hold every bit of us.

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A Salchow Before Breakfast (Blog #320)

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The flu is disgusting. Coughing, sneezing, mucus everywhere. I don’t remember the last time I felt this gross. Well, yes I do. It was the last time I had the flu–a little over a year ago in New York City–on Christmas Day. Talk about miserable. And having to travel home when you’re sick–that’s the worst. The plane starts to descend, and your head feels like it’s going to pop. So at least now I’m not on a plane. That’s good. And last night my body didn’t do the hot/cold thing, which means I slept better. Still, everything hurts and I feel like my power cord’s been yanked from the wall.

As Grandma used to say, “I am not a well woman.”

I’ve been thinking that maybe a shower would help. I don’t remember the last time I took a shower. Or shaved. Still, showering and shaving sound awfully challenging at the moment. Of course, it doesn’t help that the Winter Olympics are on right now. Like, Adam Rippon can land a triple-axle-salchow-double-loop before breakfast, and this homo can barely pick up his toothbrush. This is why you should never compare yourself to others.

Yesterday all my friends on Facebook told me about their terrible experiences with Tamiflu. Despite these warnings, I started taking it. I spoke to my internist about it, and she said she thought it would help. It’s two pills a day for five days, and I’m currently three pills in. Thankfully, my insurance paid for all of it. So far I’m not nauseated, bleeding from my nose, hallucinating, or having nightmares. I don’t feel like killing myself or anyone else. But this could all change, of course, so watch out. But seriously, as I sit here now, my appetite is returning, so maybe the pills are doing some good. Tamiflu is supposed to be most effective when taken during the first two days of having the flu, and I started it pretty much within that window.

As always, I’ll let you know how it goes.

This is about all I have in me today, just under 400 words. I’ve been staring at the screen for the last thirty minutes trying to come up with a “life lesson,” but I got nothing. Some days I think it’s enough to simply be gross, to be sick, to not do a salchow before breakfast.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Love stands at the front door and says, “You don’t have to change a thing about yourself to come inside.”

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