Lately I’ve been talking about my need for patience. I still don’t have any. At least today anyway. All I want to do is scream. For whatever reason, I’m currently Mr. Cranky Pants.
In an effort to keep my bad mood away from the rest of the world, I’ve spent this afternoon and evening locked away in my room watching movies. First I watched Damn Yankees, the musical about Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO, starring Tab Hunter, Gwen Verdon, and Ray Walston. Then I watched Jerry Maguire, starring Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding, Jr. Somehow I missed this one in the nineties. (I must have been busy in the closet.) Anyway, you know the film–“Show me the money,” “You had me at hello,” “I DID NOT SHOPLIFT THE POOTIE.”
Unfortunately, these wonderful films did little to uplift my spirits. It’s just been one of those days. This evening I stopped up the toilet. Later as I was leaving one room for another, I whipped around and hit my forehead on the doorframe. I can’t tell you how unamused I was.
Earlier this week I had acupuncture, and the lady read my pulses. Supposedly they reveal a lot about you. Feeling my right wrist, she said, “Stressed?” Uh, yeah, who isn’t? Then she felt my left wrist and said, “Are you VERY depressed?” I mean, she didn’t even asked if I WAS depressed, but rather stated it as a fact. Like, I know you are depressed, now tell me how bad it is.
“I don’t think I am,” I said. “It runs in my family, but I don’t struggle with it.”
Of course, her comment was the wrong thing to say to a hypochondriac. You know the power of suggestion. I started thinking, Maybe I am depressed. This lady could know something I don’t. I mean, my pulses SAID. Crazy, I know. (Don’t worry, I’m in therapy.) But seriously, it took me a while to convince myself that I knew more about my mental states than a total stranger did. (A very nice lady, but a total stranger.) A couple years ago I saw a woman who claimed to be able to interpret my physical health by looking into my irises, and although she gave me a long list of things that she thought were wrong, she said NOTHING about my sinuses, my major complaint at the time. My point is that just because someone has a certificate hanging on their wall (my therapist would call it a receipt) doesn’t mean they know more about you and your body than you do.
Take these things with a grain of salt.
Maybe the whole shaker.
All this being said, days like today make me think I could spend more time acknowledging my feelings. Not that I’m depressed–I’ve been depressed before and know what that feels like–but on a lot of levels I am worn down, frustrated, and irritated. Just last night I unearthed two emotions (anger and overwhelm) that were decades old. And whereas I’d like to think that one can take the lid off Pandora’s emotional box and be free from all consequences within twenty-four hours, I know that’s foolishness. No, if you’re going to invite your feelings over to play, you can’t tell them to go home for dinner. First of all, you are home. Second of all, your feelings show up and leave when they want to.
In other words, you’re struck with yourself.
Don’t worry. This is a good thing. In the story of Pandora’s box, the LAST emotion to come out, the one with the final say, was HOPE.
The poet Rumi said, “In the hand of Love I am like a cat in a sack; Sometimes Love hoists me into the air, Sometimes Love flings me to the ground.” To me this means that no matter what kind of day you’re having, there’s love underneath it all–somewhere. For example, in the midst of my frustrations today, I’ve managed to laugh–at the movies I watched, at my life (if it were anyone else’s it’d be hilarious), at my own stubbornness (I will have a bad day, I will). On an ever deeper level, my emotions have been inviting me to come back to myself, to make room for even this. So often when I have an uncomfortable feeling, I want it to go away. But more and more I’m realizing the work is about accepting all parts of yourself right here, right now. Even your frustrations, irritations, and anger.
In light of this, I’m considering getting a t-shirt made–Bad attitudes welcome here. And on the back–My bad attitudes, not yours.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Beating yourself up is a far cry from self-respect."
