On Handyman Things and Attention (Blog #784)

It’s just before midnight, and I’d like like to keep this short because I’m tired, covered in bug spray, and generally “done.” That being said, I often say I’d like to keep this short and end up going on and on nonetheless. This is, after all, what writers do–write. Recently I told my friend Marla that I frequently fantasize how conversations will go and imagine every possible outcome (and that sometimes this drives me crazy). She said, “Marcus! You’re a writer. We imagine.” I mean, I was thinking of my wild imagination was a bad thing, but it OBVIOUSLY comes in handy for the line of work I’m in. My point being that although my wordiness can keep me at the keyboard longer than I’d like, I’d rather have too much to say than not enough.

That would be dreadful. (For a writer. Maybe not so much for, I don’t know, a President on Twitter.)

The reason I’m worn out is because–believe it or not–I’ve been working, like manual labor, most the day. This afternoon I did handyman things for Mom and Dad. First, I installed grip bars in their bathroom to make their getting on and off the toilet (the terlet) easier. (Everyone’s gotta go.) I’d been saying I’d do this for months. And maybe this sounds like a cop out, but I think I knew it was because once I started, I wouldn’t stop. That is, today when I got in the handyman mood with the grip bars, I stayed in the mood. Next I installed a smoke detector. Then I fixed a spring on their dishwasher. “What else?” I kept saying.

This evening, for several hours, I cleaned antique door hardware for my friends Todd and Bonnie. (Outside, which is why I’m covered in bug spray.) A few days ago I put a pile of paint-covered brass hardware in a crockpot with some dish soap. This is a cool trick I learned online–the heat breaks the chemical bonds of the paint, and it just comes right off. Of course, I still had to scrub the hardware today, since the crockpot process leaves the hardware pretty rusty dirty. Again, the internet saved the day. It said I could scrub the hardware with baking soda and lemon juice, so that’s what I did. Worked like a charm.

I don’t have a before photo, so just imagine those decorative plates completely covered in white paint.

After several hours of cleaning and scrubbing (and refilling the crockpot with more hardware), I called it quits. Granted, I could have gone on. There was more to do, and as I said earlier, once I get in the mood, it’s easy for me to keep going. To keep push, push, pushing. But I’m really trying to do better at this. To not cram a week’s worth of work into one day, to not cram a semester’s worth of knowledge into my head in one month, to not cram two days worth of blogging into one night. You know, to stop, dammit. Anyway, that’s what I did tonight at Todd and Bonnie’s. I called it quits. Then Todd and I ate pizza, drank beer.

Now I’m house sitting at a friend’s house, a different friend/house than earlier this week. THIS friend has a hot tub. So whereas, yes, I have other things on my mind, other things I’d like to talk about, I realize that there will ALWAYS be more to talk about, always more to do. So even if I’m in the mood to do these things, so what? Being in the mood, I think, is simply a matter of being focused on something. That is, whatever you fully give your attention to automatically becomes interesting. So I know that I can turn my attention FROM writing TO hot-tub sitting and the world will keep turning. The writing–and everything else–will be there tomorrow.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There’s a power that comes when you meet life’s challenges head-on. Those are the times you breathe the deepest. Those are the times the waters come forth and your heart beats every bit as loud as the thunder claps. Those are the times you know more than ever—no matter what happens next—in this moment, you’re alive.

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Living, Not Labeling (Blog #772)

This morning I woke up at 9:45 (!), much earlier than what I’m used to. It’s a tough life. But I’m not complaining–this was my choice–my dad had plans to take my aunt to Oklahoma to visit her son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren, and I wanted to tag along. So after a quick breakfast (toast with peanut butter and a cup of coffee), I got myself together and that’s what I did. Or, that’s what we did, rather–hit the road for two hours, met my cousin in a McDonald’s parking lot, dropped off my aunt and all (!) her luggage, and turned right around to come back.

We’re in the car now.

For most of the ride, I’ve been reading an honest-to-god book. Lately most of my reading has been on my laptop, but that’s tougher to do in a car. Plus, I enjoy the satisfaction of turning a page versus scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Dad and I are getting close to home. Maybe thirty minutes ago I put down my book and pulled out my laptop to blog. However, internet (my hot spot) sucks in Oklahoma, so it took forever to get connected. This happened last night, and my first inclination (my habit) is always to spit. But I’ve been realizing how important it is to not get swept away by every emotion that knocks on your door and offers to take you out on the town and show you a good time. So rather than spit, I looked up, took in the scenery, listened to the radio, and felt the cool breeze of the air conditioner on my skin.

Sometimes our family dog, Ella, just sits and stares. “I wonder what she’s thinking,” Dad has said a number of times. Well, apparently, she’s not. I’ll explain. Recently I talked about an attention technique called Open Focus. The idea is that rather than narrowly focusing on one thing (your damn internet problems, for example), you can “open focus” on multiple things (sights, sounds, feelings, smells, thoughts, and emotions) simultaneously. And it’s not like you’re trying to ignore whatever it is that’s stressing you out. Rather, you broaden your focus and INCLUDE it. For me, whenever I do this, two things happen. First, I immediately feel more calm and connected (even if my internet isn’t). Second, whatever it is that’s bothering me is put into perspective. That is, rather than my entire world being my frustrations, my entire world becomes partly my frustrations but MOSTLY the fact that I’m riding in a car, it’s cloudy out, there’s a song on the radio, and so on.

Thinking is not required.

To be clear, whenever I open focus, it’s not like I’m labeling everything that’s going on. There are drops of rain on the windshield. The flowers on the side of the highway are yellow. That’s what my mind WANTS to do, of course, but thinking is not required to EXPERIENCE life in this present moment. That was my point about our dog and the idea that she’s probably NOT thinking whenever she just sits and stares. Rather, she’s most likely simply noticing and experiencing being right here, right now, free of thought or inner commentary.

Inner commentary. Or hell, even outer commentary. There’s a can of worms we could open, and I guess I just have. In terms of inner commentary, just notice how much hell you can create for yourself by labeling what happens in your life. Not like, There’s a green tree, but like, This is a TOUGH life, I’m so fat (and that’s BAD), Things will never get better (and that’s BAD too). I’m talking about the knowledge of good and evil, how you can kick yourself out of the garden whenever you take a fact (like how much you weigh) and turn it into a GOOD fact or a BAD fact.

In terms of an outer commentary, I once went to a spiritual/personal development workshop where we had to pair off and listen to each other’s problems. But we could only listen. “You’re not allowed to give advice,” the workshop leader said. Try this sometime. It’s excruciating. Your ego hates keeping its mouth shut. We like to think we know stuff. But by keeping quiet, you provide someone a space where they can actually hear themselves. This is what my therapist does. She doesn’t interrupt. And it’s affirming. By being allowed to speak, I’m given the message that I have everything I need to figure things out. I don’t need someone else to tell me what to do. And neither do you. Each of us inherently wise.

When I started blogging earlier, I didn’t think I had anything to say. Of course, this is never true. After two full years of daily writing, I know there’s always something in The Well That Never Runs Dry. All you have to do is dip into it. I’m talking about life. This is something I’m currently learning, that no matter where I am or what I’m doing, there’s life to experience–to see, to smell, to taste, to hear, and to feel. All you have to do is notice. What’s going on right here, right now? (Just look around. See if you’re not fascinated.) And, again, try not to label it. Life is meant for living, not labeling.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Patting yourself on the back is better than beating yourself over the head.

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On Attention (Blog #706)

This afternoon I ran errands with my friend Bonnie. We picked out some yarn for my upcoming knitting project, a beanie. The next step will be to find a pattern, then I’ll be off and knitting. Out of my way, Grandma. The last thing Bonnie and I did was eat at Village Inn. I made a mistake and looked at the calories in my favorite meal there–the California Skillet. (It was a lot.) Oh well, I was already committed; I ordered and ate it anyway. I did, however, manage to keep myself from eating the entire stack of pancakes that came as a side. Way to make good choices, Marcus. But then (because it was free slice Wednesday), I ordered and ate an entire piece of pie. Out of my way, willpower.

At some point today I got a headache. It started this morning but was low-level, nothing too threatening. However, as Bonnie and I went here and there, the tension in the back of my head grew and grew. Alas, by the time I got home it was ugly, so I took a nap in hopes that it would go away. And whereas the nap was lovely, the headache remained. I hate it when that happens. So when I woke up, I took some pills. Now I’m sipping hot tea, and I think it’s backing off–a little. Ugh, it’s really difficult to think or pay attention to anything else when your head is pounding. However, I’m learning that this is important to do.

I’ll explain.

Lately I’ve been reading about attention. One of the ideas that fascinates me is that most of us, most the time, are focused on one thing–a headache, a writing project, a television program we’re watching. However, despite the fact that we’re essentially tuned to one channel, our minds and bodies are receiving signals from countless sources. For example, yes, I have a headache now. I’m aware of that fact. But if I slow down for a minute, I’m also aware of the temperature of my skin, the coolness of the air as I breathe in through my nostrils, and a number of different sounds–the music in my earbuds, the clack-clack-clack of the keys on my keyboard, and the talent show competition on the television in my parents’ living room.

One of the points of the material I’m reading is that when we focus on one thing to the exclusion of others, it makes that thing seem bigger than it really is. I do this with health problems (well, most problems) a lot. Consequently, they get blown out of proportion. Not that a headache is fun when it’s going on, but even then, it’s not the only thing happening. In terms of perspective, I could say, “Today sucked. I had a headache.” Or I could widen my viewpoint and realize, “Today was super. I spent time with a friend. I ate a piece of apple pie. I took a nap.” And not that this makes my headache magically disappear, but it does help restore a certain amount of balance to my reality.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Damn if good news doesn't travel the slowest.

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On Pulling Taffy and Cracking Nuts (Blog #614)

This morning, on crutches, I went to see my chiropractor and my massage therapist. (It’s a two-for-one deal.) And whereas it took all the energy I had, I’m glad I went, since they focused on my shoulder that’s been bothering me for over a month now. Plus, my chiropractor adjusted my hips and back, which he said were out of whack because my right side has been compensating for my left side, which makes sense, we both agreed, since I jacked up my left knee this last weekend and haven’t been able to walk on two legs since.

Just call me Hop-along Cassidy.

This is always a challenge for me, taking care of one part of me when another part of me isn’t working. I’m such an all-or-nothing person that I either want to be “all engines go” or give up completely. Like, if my leg doesn’t work, then screw my shoulder, my sinuses, and the dry skin on my elbow. Perhaps this is a childish inclination. I just get so overwhelmed, paralyzed. Of course, it’s not logical to stop attending to every little problem simply because a bigger one comes along, so, despite my limited mobility, I’m trying to continue initiating acts of self-care.

For example, I saw my chiropractor and my massage therapist today, and I’m still brushing my teeth twice a day.

After my appointment was over, I got a call about scheduling my MRI. And whereas I was hoping it would be this week, it’s going to be next week on Monday. My mom said she had to wait a full two weeks for her MRI when she was first diagnosed with cancer, so I guess six days isn’t that long.

This afternoon I started reading a book about time. So far, it’s mostly about one’s personal and subjective experience of time, which our brains keep track of based on MOTION and CHANGE. Along these lines, research shows that time seems to fly by when we’re having a good time because we’re so focused on what we’re doing (or whom we’re doing) that our brains AREN’T keeping track of what’s moving and changing outside of our field of focus. The idea is that if we don’t perceive many things or events as having happened, we feel like not much time has passed. Conversely, the book says, time seems to drag on when we’re in pain or a miserable location (like a prison cell or the Department of Motor Vehicles) because, since they have nothing better to do, our brains are hyper-focused on every little movement and change that’s happening in and around us. We think, He stood up, I scratched my nose, she moved her finger. Oh my god! I’ve been here FOREVER.

When it’s only been six seconds.

After reading for a while, I took a nap. And whereas I wanted it to last three hours, it only lasted one. (Today, class, we’re going to learn about lowering your expectations.) Anyway, it’s weird how your body does that, acts absolutely exhausted, tells you it could sleep for days, but then won’t even take a decent nap when given the chance. What the hell? Ugh. I wish I could sleep until next week. Actually, I wish I could sleep until my body heals and I feel like a normal human being again. Whatever normal is. Last night on social media I saw a picture of me at the Little Theater, and I didn’t even recognize myself at first. What with the crutches and all. Plus, I WAS wearing an elf costume. But my point is, I thought, WHEN did this become my life?!

Whatever. This is my life–tired, in pain, on crutches. At least part of my life anyway. At least for now. And whereas I don’t want to IGNORE my problems, I also don’t want to DWELL on them. Rather, I want to read a book, go to the Little Theater–um–give myself ANYTHING POSITIVE to focus on, so that my personal unpleasantries won’t seem to drag on in my subjective reality any longer than they actually drag on in my objective reality. This, I think, is the power of our minds and our attention, that we can take an experience and stretch it out like a piece of taffy (That took FOREVER) or compress it down like–what’s a good analogy?–a nutcracker (There, that was quick and relatively painless).

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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In this moment, we are all okay.

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The Experience of Living (Blog #531)

It’s the day before my birthday, and the celebrations have already begun. This morning, after waking up WAY earlier than anticipated, I made a special trip to Fort Smith for Calico County cinnamon rolls. (They’re delicious.) Since the restaurant didn’t have any that were “day old,” I bought some that were fresh out of the oven. Even better. Anyway, that’s how the day started, with two just-baked cinnamon rolls slathered in butter.

Glorious.

At breakfast my dad asked how I felt about turning 38. And whereas I have a few hang-ups about what my exterior life looks like in terms of “accomplishment,” I said that I’m extremely pleased with what my interior life looks like at 38. With each passing year, I’m happier and more comfortable in my own skin. That is to say, I love myself more. In turn, I love others more as well. So what’s not to like about growing older? A few aches and pains, perhaps? Some skin that’s not quite as tight as it used to be?

A small price to pay, I think, for what The Experience of Living gives you in return.

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and when I told her about my conversation with my dad this morning, she reminded me that although I’m not “accomplishing” a lot in terms of the world’s standards, I AM investing in myself, and that always pays off. She also said that people whose lives are “a boulevard of green lights” are often entitled and not pleasant to be around. However, she said, people who have been knocked down over and over again and continue to pick themselves back up are quite lovely.

“Well, I have been knocked down once or twice,” I smiled.

So that’s something.

Lately two words–attention and relationship–have been floating around in my brain, and my therapist happened to mention both of them today. In terms of attention, which I’ve been thinking about because it’s a limited resource and something of mine that I can control, my therapist said we have to give ATTENTION to those people and things that we care about (as opposed to every random article posted on Facebook). Later she said that if you want to have a good RELATIONSHIP with someone, or even with your bank account, you have to put your focus on it and you have to treat it well.

I like this idea, that everything in my life is a relationship. In other words, I have a relationship with body, I have a relationship with my age, I have a relationship with my parents, I have a relationship with money, and so on. Seen this way, it would, of course, behoove me to NURTURE these relationships rather than STRAIN them by, for example, giving myself a lot of shit for what I have or haven’t accomplished by a certain age. No, that wouldn’t work at all. If I want a GOOD relationship with my age, I should be as kind to it (that is, to myself) as possible.

Maybe, just maybe, I should offer myself more cinnamon rolls as a good-will gesture.

Now it’s five-thirty. I’m meeting a friend for dinner in thirty minutes, so I’m going to wrap this up. If all goes as planned, I’ll be back tomorrow–first on Facebook at 8:47 in the morning CST (the time I was born) for a Live Video, then later in the day with a birthday blog in which I’ll discuss how the cycles of the moon relate to my particular birthday. (So just wait there, on the edge of your seat.) I don’t have a beautiful way to conclude today, other than to say I’m both grateful and hopeful. Grateful for cinnamon rolls, my therapist, my friends, and growing older. Just to be here, really. Hopeful that the next thirty-eight years will, like the last thirty-eight years, be filled with adventure, rhythm, and grace.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Our burdens are lighter when we share them.

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