Directly Under Arcturus (Blog #466)

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After writing yesterday’s blog, I drove to Dallas and stayed the night with a friend. This afternoon I finished writing a travel-writing story (or at least completed the first draft) at a local Starbucks, then hit the road for Houston, which is where I am now. I love driving, especially in my car (Tom Collins), but the road has completely worn me out. It’s just after midnight now, and my body is absolutely done.

I’m staying here in Houston with some swing dancing friends, with whom I’m discussing swing dancing business. I arrived several hours ago, and although we didn’t intend to “dive in” until tomorrow, we’ve been chatting and working all night. It’s been good–I loved the part where we went for tacos–but now my brain has joined my body. It’s absolutely done too.

For most of the drive this afternoon I was covered in my emotions. Sometimes this happens when life catches up to me. It’s like most the time I have a grip, and then all of a sudden I don’t. I get overwhelmed. I think, I’m almost forty–I’m single–I don’t know where my life is going.

Last night in Dallas I stepped outside my friend’s apartment to look at the stars. It was hard to see them in the bright city, and there were a lot of clouds, but I found a few of the major players–The Big Dipper, The North Star, The Northern Cross. Oh, and Jupiter–you can’t miss Jupiter lately. (It’s the first bright “star” you’ll see in the evening if you’re facing south.) I did the same thing tonight when I got to Houston. Again facing south, first I found Jupiter, then Scorpius, then Saturn.

There’s something comforting about this for me, the idea that I can drive five or ten hours from Van Buren–go almost anywhere, really–and still feel at home. The sky really is beginning to feel this way to me–familiar. It’s like how you can wake up in the middle of the night and navigate your way to the restroom with your eyes closed because you live there. I don’t know anything about Houston. I’d be lost without my GPS. But I can look at the sky and know right where I am–directly under Arcturus–because I live here.

In the universe, that is.

Anyway, when I was driving earlier and my emotions showed up uninvited, all I could think about was the stars. I was in five lanes of traffic, my mind running every bit as fast as any car on the road, and the constellations were the only thing that sounded comforting. I wanted to see Cassiopeia so badly. I longed for the quiet and the peace that she brings me. What is that? I guess she reminds me that there’s no hurry in the heavens, that she’s seen it all and, “Baby, you’re doing so much better than you realize.”

One minute we’re up, the next minute we’re down.

Alas, I obviously couldn’t find Cassiopeia this afternoon. The sky was too bright, too blue, too filled with fluffy white clouds. (Ick, barf, I prefer the dark.) My friend Bonnie said, “Give the sun a chance. It’s a star too.” Now I’m thinking that just as there’s day and night literally, there’s also day and night emotionally. Like the sun, one minute we’re up, the next minute we’re down. Our perspectives change constantly. There’s nothing wrong with this. The constellations get turned around once a day, so why can’t you and I? Under heaven, there’s room enough for everything–the sun, the moon and stars, and all our emotions. Yes, the universe–our home–is large enough to hold every bit of us.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Give yourself a break.

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Star and Self-Gazing (Blog #443)

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Feelings, who needs ’em? Ugh. I’ve spent the day feeling. Feeling tired, sad, guilty, angry, intrigued, amused, hopeful. Not necessarily in that order. Ick. Feelings here, feelings there, feelings, feelings, everywhere. Who came up with this emotional highway? I’ve been all over the road today.

Pick a lane, Marcus, pick a lane.

Mostly all I did today was read. First I read fifty pages in a beginner’s book to astronomy, something I picked up recently because I’d actually like to understand the universe I live in. Seriously, I’ve spent my entire life not knowing my Arcturus from a hole in the ground, and I intend to do something about it. Today I learned that you can use The Big Dipper (year round) and Orion (in the winter) to find almost every major constellation and/or star in the sky (if you’re in the northern hemisphere). Also, I learned that Pollux, one of the two bright stars in the constellation Gemini, means “much wine.” (The other one, Castor, means “he who excels” or “beaver.”) Suffice it to say, Pollux is now my favorite star in the sky.

Even though it’s technically below the horizon as we speak.

In addition to starting the astronomy book, I also read an entire fiction novel, a story about a family suicide. So there I went feeling again–sad for the characters, mad that the author didn’t use quotation marks, even though a lot of people were–get this–quoted. Apparently this is a thing now, to just run everything together. Like, Marcus says, I think this is a bad idea. What is the world coming to? Call me an old fart, but I’m just not on board.

This afternoon during reading breaks I took the dog back I’ve been sitting the last seven nights (KoKo). Part of me was ready to take her back. I like to sleep in, and although she never barked, I could hear her moving around in the mornings. But then another part of me really wanted her to stay. She’d nuzzle up to me and give me the biggest hugs. She wouldn’t stop. I’d have to say, “Please, KoKo, this is getting awkward.” Still, I don’t remember the last time someone hugged me like that.

Yeah, I miss her.

Ugh. Feelings again.

This evening after more reading, I went for a run, which turned into more of a walk. Maybe it helped work some things out. It’s hard to tell. I took a nap this afternoon, but currently I’m so tired I don’t know what I’m feeling. Periodically throughout the day I’ve noticed my tight muscles because life, my allergies because I’m off antihistamines for the weekend, a requirement for the allergist I’m seeing Monday. I tend to ignore these things, little aches and annoyances. I’m good at soldiering through. But today I’ve caught myself taking a deep breath now and then, trying to take in and contain, rather than push away, whatever is going on inside me.

To be clear, I don’t think feelings can be contained, at least at will. I have this tight muscle in my abdomen. I’m always thinking that if I could let go emotionally, it would let go physically. (It’s a theory.) So I stretch and I breathe deep, and I feel all my feelings for an afternoon, but it’s still there, hanging out until it’s ready to leave. That’s what I mean by contain, letting something hang out. I look at everything going on in my life–all the circumstances, challenges, feelings–and wonder, Am I large enough to hold all of this, to be patient, to not rush events and emotions out my proverbial door?

At home after my walk, I plopped down in our driveway with my astronomy book and a star-gazing app on my phone. For thirty minutes I stared up at the sky and was generally pissed off at the streetlights that made it difficult to see anything. Still, slowly I found my way around the heavens. There was The Big Dipper, Polaris (The North Star) and the Little Dipper, The Northern Cross. I even found “my” Arcturus! The book said it can take a year to get really comfortable with what’s going on in the heavens, so I’m telling myself to be patient, not just with my learning about the sky, but also with my learning about myself. For surely I too am a universe–vast–with plenty of mysteries and more than enough space to contain them, to contain all that can happen and be felt in a day, in a lifetime.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There's a wisdom underneath everything that moves us and even the planets at its own infallible pace. We forget that we too are like the planets, part of a larger universe that is always proceeding one step at time, never in the wrong place, everything always right where it belongs.

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