On Bending (Blog #643)

Last night I blogged with a headache. Talk about no fun. Then I watched Netflix and ate popcorn by the handful out of a five-gallon tin. Followed by three scoops of ice cream. Then I went to bed, still with a headache, but I guess it disappeared sometime during the night. Weird how problems can be so “in your face” then slowly and silently fade away like a ghost through a wall. I have about ten pounds I wish would do that. I know, the popcorn and ice cream aren’t helping that wish come true.

You don’t have to rub it in.

Today has been all right. (Yes, just all right.) Honestly, all my days are beginning to look the same. Eat a meal, do knee rehab (while watching Netflix), ice knee (while still watching Netflix), repeat. Today I did finish reading a book about business that I started before Christmas, but otherwise it’s been zoning out on Netflix and movies. Just today I finished the series Atypical (which I discussed last night), and watched the movies Dumplin’ (which is about the overweight daughter of a former beauty queen and made me cry) and The Shape of Water (which is about a woman who falls in love with a sea creature and was obviously weird but beautiful). Then I started back on Season 2 of Ozark, about a family in Missouri who’s laundering money for a Mexican drug cartel. It’s so good.

And stressful.

Honestly, I can’t wait to get back to the series. Not that I’m so wrapped up in it, although I guess I am. I just want to zone out, escape. For one thing, it’s cold and gloomy outside. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or whatever. For another, life’s been tough lately, and I’ve had enough. Normally I’d be up and on the go, distracting myself that way. But since I had knee surgery only a week ago today, going places isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do. Plus, every time I stand up, sit down, take a step, or do rehab, I’m reminded of what my body CAN’T do. I’m reminded of everything that hurts. And it’s frustrating as hell. Thus all the binge watching and pop corn and ice cream eating.

Shove those feelings down!

Despite my frustration, I do see progress. Standing up today hasn’t hurt nearly as bad as it has for the last week, and my knee is bending more. Like, earlier I draped it off the side of the couch, and a few days ago that would have been unthinkable, since its default position was “straight out” and I didn’t have enough muscle strength/control to get my foot to the floor without manually picking it up and putting it there. So that’s something. Things are improving. I’m not dancing the jitterbug, but hey, I’m BENDING.

The doctor said my goal was to bend my leg 90 degrees by the two-week mark, and I’m pretty much there now. (Go me.) But that’s it; I can’t go farther than 90. I just hit this point where all my muscles say, “Hell no, we won’t go.” The doctor said, “Don’t worry. You’re not going to pull anything loose.” Still, I can’t shake the feeling that something’s going to snap–bend and snap (that’s a musical reference, Mom). Whatever. I’m sure my muscles will come around sooner or later, so I’ll keep trying to bend, both physically and emotionally. Because that’s the difficult thing, zoning back in after you’ve zoned out, pushing yourself to do and be more than you have before, even if “being more” simply means being more patient with your body or being more gentle with your self-talk.

All things in good time, sweetheart.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You really do belong here.

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On Being Rooted (Blog #428)

It’s 3:30 in the afternoon, and for the next week I’ll be house sitting for friends, which means that not only will my upcoming posts be uploaded faster (WIFI!), they’ll also include cats. So prepare yourselves. Currently I’m on their back porch, and it’s hot as balls. It’s not even summer, and Arkansas is already doing it’s humidity thing. I could go inside, of course, but I’m thinking it wouldn’t hurt me to stay out here and sweat. With any luck I’ll cleanse myself of that chocolate pudding I ate earlier today.

Change of plans. I just noticed there’s a fan.

In a few hours I’m planning to attend a fundraiser/dance with one of my former students and current friends. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve heard there will be drinks, dancing, and even a food truck. (Diet starts tomorrow.) That being said, it should be an all-night affair, and that’s why I’m blogging now. (I’ll schedule this to post later.) I’ve only been up for a few hours and already want a nap, so I just can’t write late tonight. Granted, I could–I have before–but more and more, I’m considering “write first, play later” an exercise in self-kindness.

You have everything you need.

Along this line of thinking, after tonight, at least for a few days, I’m hoping to leave the house as little as possible. Rather, I’d like to lounge around, read, write, and Netflix. I need to take it easy. I brought several books, but I’m telling myself I don’t HAVE to read them. I don’t HAVE to finish even one. I’m always thinking that healing or self-knowledge is at the end of “the next” book, but yesterday I thought, Enough, Marcus. You’ve read enough. Keep reading if you want to, but you already have everything you need to succeed in life.

One of my goals while house sitting this week is to do some writing outside of the blog, some more inner work. Sometimes I tell people that I think it’s interesting the way the subconscious works. For over a year I’ve been sitting down to spill my guts on the internet, and more often than not, I have no idea what’s going to land on the page. Consequently, one of the most fascinating things that’s happened this last year has been for me to see what “themes” have organically come up in my life as a result of this project–themes like abundance, self-acceptance, and trust in both my body and life, the universe, or God.

You know, little things like that.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve spent a lot of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. As a result, when I see things like the above-mentioned themes “pop up” in my life,” sometimes it feels like seeds are being planted here (in me) that won’t grow. On one hand I can see clearly that I’m being invited to see and experience the world differently than I have for the last three decades, but on the other it feels like a tease, something that’s too good to be true.

Ultimately, I think that’s the struggle I deal with on the daily–whether or not life itself is fundamentally good. Of course, this isn’t a question to be taken lightly, something you figure out over a plate of fried mozzarella sticks or a glass of beer. It’s a serious question.

Recently I was discussing with a friend the difference between believing something in your head and believing it in your heart. Personally, I think that any good idea or life philosophy starts out as just an idea, something that sounds good or maybe even something that doesn’t. Either way, I see it as a seed that has the potential to grow. Given the right care, attention, and enough experiences to back it up, I think a thought can eventually become a belief that’s so deeply rooted in your body and soul that nothing–nothing–can ever shake it. And if it’s “the right” belief, nothing can ever shake you either.

I mean, how different would your life be if you believed from the top of your head to the tips of your toes that life itself was not just good but really good? What if that belief pervaded your entire being? Imagine how it could anchor you in a storm.

You’re more rooted than you realize.

I think I’m in the process of trying out my thoughts and beliefs, of figuring out scientifically, Is the universe abundant? Is it possible to have peace in the midst of chaos? How does my world change when I’m brave enough to let love in and out of my heart? These are the issues I’d like to explore this next week in my non-blog writing. I’m sure some of it will make it onto the web, but I’d like to sit down and start listing–recognizing for myself–all the seeds that have been planted in my life that are currently growing or have already becoming towering trees. I think that would remind me that I’m more rooted than I realize. I think looking back and seeing my slow path of growth would affirm what I know to be true deep down in my being–that all things in good time–bloom.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We are surrounded by the light.

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Things That Aren’t On-Demand (Blog #247)

Tonight for dinner I ate a steak with brussels sprouts and beets. Brussels sprouts and beets, with dandelion tea to drink! (Look, Ma, I’m becoming one of those annoying healthy people on the internet.) This afternoon I even ate a mango with breakfast. But seriously, what has happened to me, stepping out of my food comfort zone? Usually my vegetables are limited to zucchini, squash, and spinach–that’s it. I like my fruits to be apples, bananas, peaches, pears, or pineapples, or I don’t like them at all. Honestly, it’d be the same if I were going out for tacos–I’m a creature of habit–I find something that works and stick with it.

As for why I’m branching out at mealtime, I’ve been on the world-wide web again. Lately I’ve been reading a lot about how you should “eat the rainbow.” Personally, I think this is one of the gayest expressions I’ve ever heard (and therefore we should keep it). But seriously, I love the way it reminds me to fill my plate with colorful food. Fried chicken is not a color, Marcus. Well, usually when I take to a new idea, I jump overboard and go one hundred percent. I’m going to buy fifty-four new vegetables and sixteen new fruits. I’m going to eat the rainbow–in one meal! But the last time I went to the store I told myself it was okay to start small–one new fruit, one new vegetable, one new canned vegetable. Baby steps.

Now that I’ve tried all these new food items, I can’t say that my life has dramatically changed. I feel pretty much like I’ve felt for the last week–sort of tired, not awful. So I’ve been trying to convince myself that I really am in this for the long haul, that eating right is something that benefits a person over time, not over an afternoon. I’ve been trying to apply this thinking to my chi kung practice too. So far I’ve been at it every day for twelve days, and I really have to fight the tendency to throw in the towel because this still hurts or that’s still a problem. I blame America for this mentality. Everything here is drive-thru restaurants, two-day shipping, and on-demand movies. I want healing now.

Our bodies aren’t on-demand.

Of course, our bodies aren’t on-demand. Health problems and the number on the scale take time to develop, take time to go away. I’m trying to remember this. Once I read that the secret to success was simply doing more of a right action. In other words, if you consider eating a healthy meal to be a good thing–do more of that. Earlier today I saw a picture of me taken a couple months ago, and the first thing I thought was, Oh wow, I’ve lost weight in my face. So whereas I have a tendency to think that nothing I do ever works, my body has obviously responded to the right actions I’ve been taking for the last month. So maybe I just need to keep it up. As the saying goes, all things in good time.

This afternoon I finished reading Turtles All the Way Down by John Green, one of the best fiction books I’ve read in a while. Then I started a non-fiction book about intuition called Second Sight by Judith Orloff. Currently I’m a little less than halfway done, and all I can think about is finishing so I can get to the six other books I’ve already started but haven’t finished. I do this a lot–think about all the books I want to read but don’t have time to. I look at the dozens and dozens of titles on my Amazon wish lists and just assume my life would be better if I had all that knowledge. Since there’s always more to learn, this thinking is exhausting. So I’m trying to remind myself to simply do the best I can each day–read what I can read–and give myself a damn break.

Tonight I repaired a light fixture in my parents’ bedroom. A few weeks ago it shorted out, and I just got the replacement part I needed a couple days ago. So I was almost done. I’d already installed the new part, attached the wires, fastened the fixture to the ceiling, and put the bulbs back in. All I had to do was put the glass globe on the bottom. If you’ve ever done this sort of thing, you know nothing is ever easy, and I hit a snag when the new part I installed didn’t have a screw long enough to hold the globe on. (Don’t you hate it when a screw isn’t long enough?) Well, the next thing I knew, I was fishing through the trashcan for the old part, so I could take the long screw from it and use it to hold the globe on. Of course, the bracket holding the screw was welded on, so I ended up making a mess.

But the good news is that it worked. It just took longer than I thought.

I guess most things take longer than we think–losing weight, feeling better, reading a book. Just now I got distracted and watched a bunch of videos about intuition (it’s a theme lately), so now this blog is taking longer than I thought. Maybe we all get distracted, or maybe life isn’t meant to be lived in a straight line. Once my therapist said, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” I think I rolled my eyes; it was just more “inspirational poster” than I could handle at the moment. But when I consider this blog, for example, it really isn’t where I’m going on the outside–365 days of straight blogging–it’s where I’m going on the inside. That’s the journey the therapist was talking about, the one that transforms you. Of course, this journey, like the physical body, refuses to be rushed, is the result of taking one right action after another, and is worth every baby step along the way.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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When the universe speaks—listen.

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