Better Together (Blog #1096!)

2 Comments March 30, 2020 CoCo

Dear Marcus,

It’s been a bumpy ride. Six years ago two days from now we were passed out drunk and naked, hugging a toilet seat, having just broken up with the first and only person we’ve ever thought we were going to marry. It wasn’t pretty. And boy were we wrong about him. (Sometimes it’s good to be wrong.) Anyway, it was touch and go there for a while. We didn’t know where we were going to live, how we were going to pay the rent, or how we were going to heal That Which Was Broken. We were so confused. Thankfully, only one week before all of this occurred we had our first therapy session and met our guardian angel. (Who knew angels could wear Kesha T-shirts and curse like sailors?) Which just goes to show you that Maria in The Sound of Music was right. When the lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.

Granted, there were some rough days, some hole-in-our chest moments when nothing made sense. Now we know this was simply The Mystery, The Necessary Mystery. Said another way, it was The Healing. Which is, of course, crooked as a dog’s hind leg, anything but fun, and, well, just plain gross at times. For us it meant a lot of time in therapy, completely rewiring the way we thought, getting some damn boundaries, and changing or saying goodbye to oh-so-many relationships. Also, and I’m sorry about this, it meant a lot of empty pockets.

I’ll explain.

Despite the fact that you’d done a lot of internal work three-and-a-half years ago, the powers that be weren’t quite satisfied. As it turns out, they demand the best. In other words, they want the best for us. So they did what they often do when someone they care about isn’t living up to their full potential. They make them absolutely miserable. In your case this misery pushed you to close your dance studio, sell most of your earthly possessions, and move from Fort Smith, Arkansas, to Fayetteville, Arkansas, with the intention of moving to Austin, Texas, where many people (who haven’t checked your Facebook page in over three years) still think you are. Even though you never went. Indeed, that was your plan. But not you-know-who’s plan, which is why it didn’t work out. (He always gets his way.) This is why it was a good thing you didn’t have more money than you did. Because–let’s face it–if you’d had the money you would have gone “come hell or high water” and missed out on The Opportunity.

Because you’re so damn stubborn.

Also, don’t worry. Stubbornness is a good thing. Because life isn’t for sissies. It just means that you don’t always have the most patience. Like someone recently told you, “You’re happy to give God the reigns, but if he hasn’t done anything with them in ten minutes you take them back.”

(Correct.)

Getting back to your move to Fayetteville, that obviously didn’t work out either, and I know that few adult men would be thrilled about moving back in with their parents. Which you had to do. But again, this was by design. As you’ve told a number of people these last three years, it’s given you a chance to mend, heal, and grow relationships you couldn’t have otherwise. It’s given you a chance to be understanding. And to be understood. And whereas it’s tempting to think you’ve somehow missed out on life because you haven’t spent the last three years making a shitpot full of money or “being like everybody else,” the things you’ve busied yourself about are the things that really matter and make life WORTH living. The things that matter to your soul and the things that make you fully human.

So never regret getting to know me.

Please.

It’s worth every minute.

I promise.

Speaking of the last few years and specifically what you’ve done with and through this blog, I couldn’t be more proud of you. I realize it hasn’t set the world, or even the internet, on fire, but it has set us on fire. Again, this is what matters. For us, this has been the royal road, the way, The Path. The Path out of suffering. The Path back home. Sure, you didn’t have any idea what you were getting yourself into when you sat down three years ago tomorrow and wrote your first post, but I did. Additionally, through both your best days and your most challenging days, your–what’s the phrase you use?–that-makes-my-ass-want-buttermilk kind of days, I’ve been cheering you on and nudging you forward. Darling, don’t give up. Don’t you dare give up. I’m waiting for you.

I know this hasn’t been easy. I also know that you’re not quite sure where to go from here. There’s a part of you that wants to hang on to this project that’s been so good for us. And still there’s another part that’s so effing ready to let go, so excited to see what’s next that you can hardly wait to hit Publish and move on. Allow all your feelings, but lean into this second part. Get excited. You’ve worked your ass off here, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Congratulations! Celebrate. Your life’s not over, it’s only just beginning. What’s more, although I know you often think and believe that you try, try, try and get nowhere, all your hard work has actually paid off. It continues to pay off. You read all those damn books about healing, and now you’re one of those people those books talk about. Yes, we know things aren’t perfect, but you’re headed in the right direction. So keep going. And just know that you’re already a success story.

You know those magical days when you wake up and you can see it, feel it, almost taste it? Those days when you absolutely know that you’re exactly where you need to be, learning and doing what you need to be learning and doing? Those days when you know nothing is an accident, that the people who are in your life, all those wonderful friends, teachers, and mentors, were sent to you for a reason? That you were sent to each other for a reason? Those days when you can feel in your bones that nothing is random? Well, keep thinking these things, keep believing these things. You’ll doubt at times, of course, since that’s what the mind does here on planet earth. But know that I never do. My faith in you and The Way of It is rock solid.

My faith in us is rock solid.

So keep your chin up.

You know that Joseph Campbell fella you’re so madly in love with? He said, “Schopenhauer said that when you go through life, this character appears, that character appears, and it all seems accidental at the time it is happening. Then when you get on in your sixties or seventies and look back, your life looks like a well-planned novel with a coherent theme. Things have happened, you realize, in an appropriate way. Incidents that seemed to be accidental, pure chance, turn out to be major elements in the structuring of this novel. Schopenhauer says, ‘Who wrote the novel? You did.'” I couldn’t agree more. Things have happened in an appropriate way. But it’s not that you wrote the novel, it’s that I did. We did. So from here on out, just know that you have a partner in all this.

No one is alone, and that includes you.

Going forward, I’m not discouraging you from planning. I know you like to do that. And yet, as you’ve come to see time and time again, sometimes the best things aren’t planned. What’s more, sometimes what you think are the worst things turn out to be the best things. Because they put us on the path back to ourselves. Really, this is the only path there is. The only game in town, it’s the pearl of great value, the true buried treasure, the kingdom of heaven. So it’s worth all the time, pain, and heartache and whatever you have to give up in order to find it. It’s worth all The Hard Work, all the icky emotions and past experiences you have to dig through and sort out, and all the judgment you have to endure from others and yourself. Because when it’s all said and done, what profits a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?

All this to say, Marcus, please stay open to what’s coming down the pike. Please stay open to, and expect, miracles. They happen. And are kind of God’s thing. Also, please remember the he/she/it is rather fond of you. Just like I’m rather fond of you. I mean, good lord, you’re a knockout, you’re smart as whip and have a killer personality and sense of humor (although I know your family may disagree, but, in the words of your father, they have to live with you), and you have a good rear end to boot. What’s not to love? Said another way, what more do you want?

(Some cash would be nice.)

Relax, already. It’s coming. We’re in the middle of a recession.

But seriously, you’ve been given everything you need to succeed. And whereas this has always been the case, now that you’ve walked the royal road, you know it. Deep down. What’s more, now that you’ve come to know yourself, things are going to get easier. The next half of your life is going to look so much different than the first half. So much better. Not that you’ll never face another challenge again–you certainly will–but you’ll handle things better. With more grace. There will be a steadiness about you that you didn’t have before, a confidence, an internal anchor. A part of you that knows that, come what may, I have what it takes and am going to be all right. And just know that if the world ever gets to be too much, you can always reach out and find me. You can sit down at this keyboard ANY TIME YOU’D LIKE, and we can fix whatever it is together. Or just call my name, and I’ll come running.

That is if I don’t call you first. Which, honestly, I probably will. Because, Marcus Anderson Coker, I’m not done with you yet. Plus, I’ve always called you first, since it’s kind of my job to pursue you. You see, Darling, I just can’t stand to be without you. Without us. We are, after all, better together than we are apart. Surely by now you agree.

With all my love,

Your heart (your sweet heart)

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Not knowing what's going to happen next is part of the adventure."

These Hundreds of Thousands of Words (Blog #1094)

1. Abundance

Ugh. Does this have to be the first one? This has been a toughy for me, since, as a result of my traumas, I grew up believing that if you love something, just wait, it’ll be taken away from you. And yet my therapist, who has a real hard on for abundance, has shoved it down my throat. Yes, things leave, but other things come around. Thankfully, I have made progress. For one thing, money isn’t terrifying to me anymore. Even though I don’t have much of it. Although now I imagine if I did I wouldn’t be scared of it. It’s just paper. The most important thing being, however, that I really do believe deep down that I’ve been given an abundance of talent, love, help, knowledge, wisdom, and resources (both internal and external) with which to make my way through life. Creatively, I’ve been given an abundance of ideas. This is what counts. I know it’s rough when your bank account is strapped, but don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

2. Affirmations

A lot of self-help books are huge on affirmations, looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m beautiful, rich, and forgiving.” Or whatever. And whereas I’ve tried this shit more times than I care to admit, it hasn’t been what’s worked for me. Instead, the affirmations that have turned my life around, rather than being forced into me, have come out of me. That’s what this blog has been about. Sweetheart, be patient. I’m here for you. So if you like the idea of affirmations, go for it. But don’t open a book to find them. Open your heart.

3. Archetypes and Personalities

More and more I see the world through the lenses of “we’re all different” and “we’re all the same.” And whereas I don’t subscribe to one particular personality system, it’s helped me to be able to label people with archetypes (diva, drama queen, addict, pimp), since it allows me to get impersonal about their behavior. Or even mine. (Of course I’m worried about my outfit; I’m an artist!) Additionally, the more personality systems I study, the more I realize that every archetype and personality type is not only neutral (although it can be animated positively or negatively), but also necessary. God knows we don’t need everyone to an anal-retentive control freak. But God also knows the world would be a much sloppier place without those of us who are. (Wash your damn hands.)

4. Authenticity

This is a buzz word these days, and one my therapist actually dislikes because it’s so “hip.” To me it equates to being honest, even and especially if that honesty looks like anger, sadness, or confusion. You know, the emotions we hide behind our masks. Alas, it doesn’t seem to be something we can achieve every minute of every day (certain niceties are required in a polite society), but it is something we can strive toward. Being real. Being ourselves. My only other thought about it is that I’ve often been as surprised as anyone else when I’ve been able to be assertive or–here’s another word my therapist hates–vulnerable. Like when I cry in public or admit my faults (which, I agree with my therapist, isn’t being vulnerable, it’s being honest). Meaning we often don’t know what our authentic selves look like until they reveal themselves to us.

5. Balance

Is required and looks different for everyone. How do you know you’re out of balance in any area of your life? Your body will tell you. Learn to listen to its subtle and not-so-subtle messages. Additionally, pay attention to your relationships. If they’re full of drama, contention, or anything but an underlying peace, something is out of whack. Chances are you’ll never be able to hold the center point forever, so just keep your eyes on the middle. The rest will take care of itself.

6. Boundaries

My therapist calls boundaries the Holy Grail of personal growth. And whereas I used to think I had them, I realized I didn’t. Pro tip: if you can’t say no or if you tell the most personal details of your life to complete strangers (or vice versa), you don’t either. So get some. Learn to not only say no, but hell no. Figure out what you’re worth and don’t settle for less. Get in touch with your soul, do whatever it says, and never, under any circumstances, sell it. For one thing, it’s not yours to sell. For another, you’ll always regret it. How do you do these things? By learning to say no, hell no. And don’t worry if you “mess up.” Life will, without a doubt, give you another opportunity to excel. As with all things, having good boundaries is a process.

7. Coco’s Favorites

These blogs are my personal favorites. Many are already tagged as such, but I’ll be adding others as I work my way through reading all my old posts.

8. Creativity

People say they’re not creative, but I’m convinced we all are, even if it’s just in the way we make up a story about how we’re not creative, or what someone did that ruined our lives, or how awful things are (when they’re really not). Of course, creativity is better expressed through writing, dancing, knitting, planting, decorating, or whatever, and I’m certain our souls MUST, somehow, expand themselves through creating. So first stop and notice WHAT you’re creating (dinner, drama, dissent), then think about what you’d LIKE to be creating (an encouraging environment, a business, a hilarious blog). Then CHOOSE something different.

9. Dancing

Is good for a hundred reasons. Do it. Even if you don’t like it, consider that you were made to move. Some way, somehow. Your very heart BEATS. Tune into the rhythm of your life. If you ARE willing to give dancing a try, remember what my mentor Maggie tells her students. “Let dancing love you.” If not dancing, then let something, someone. Please, open your heart.

10. Dream Interpretation

I wish I were a master at this or had some of the experiences the people who write all those books about dreams do. Lucid dreaming, predicting the future, and whatnot. I don’t know, my therapist says I have the “most auspicious dreams,” so maybe it’s just easy to think someone else’s life is better or more fabulous than yours. Regardless, I do believe our subconscious/inner wisdom speaks to us a thousand different ways. Through dreams, synchronicities, hunches, bodily sensations, feelings, emotions, and even thoughts. So it’s whatever floats your boat, whatever you’re willing to listen to. Just know that it’s not all as random as it seems. Know that you can trust yourself. You’re wiser than you realize.

11. Emotions

Are not something you primarily think about. They’re something you primarily feel. Also, I hate to break it to you, they’re not something that go away when you shove them down. Like, they just hang out in the shadows. In your shadow. And whereas I wish I had a surefire way for coaxing them out, I’ve learned they come up when they’re ready. The best thing we can do is to listen. Be curious. Love, or at least make space for, whatever arises. Including frustration, anger, grief, sadness, and anything else that gives you snot bubbles. Because that’s your inner wisdom talking. For example, anger often means “get some damn boundaries.” (See above.)

12. Encouragement

Whatever you’re going through, I promise you’re not alone. Yes, your situation is unique to you and is your cross to bear, but it’s not the first time it’s ever happened. In Alcoholics Anonymous they say, “You’re only as sick as you are isolated.” Meaning that a burden is automatically lifted when you stop trying to carry it yourself. So please know that people love you and are rooting for you. Granted, they don’t always know what to say, but I guarantee there are people who would take a bullet for you in a heartbeat. People who will cry at your funeral and feel that something important, something they liked, is missing from their lives when you’re gone.

13. Facebook Live

This is where I’ve put the few live videos I’ve done and where I’ve read, out loud, other stories I’ve written. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll do at least one more when this is over.

14. Gratitude

Is often something those self-help books try to force. Don’t worry, be happy. Alas, I’ve found that gratitude, like an affirmation, works best when it springs naturally from the heart. A humbling voice, it says, “Sweetheart, you have everything you could ever need and more.” What’s more, I’m convinced this voice is always there, available even when we are most down. It says, “Life sucks, but we’ve been given this breath, and with this breath we will make it to our next. Or make it home.” So again, listen to your heart. (Not your head.)

15. Growing Up

Involves letting go of the need to blame, being your own parent most of the time, taking responsibility for your life and choices, and sucks. But is absolutely necessary. Also, it’s natural. Stop fighting it.

16. Hope

As stated in The Shawshank Redemption, “is a good thing, maybe the best of things.” So please, please, please allow as much room as is humanly or even divinely possible that even your most challenging circumstance can turn around for the better. On a dime if heaven so sees fit. Along these lines, pray for miracles and expect them to show up.

17. Improv Comedy

Is worth trying or at least taking note of. Because, like life, it requires that you think on your feet, play well with others, and not look back. Audiences may not be forgiving, but improv teaches you to be. So what if the show didn’t go well? It’s over. (Everything in your life is over.) Why is this a good thing? Because now we can play another game.

18. Letting Go

Is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Because we like what we like and we want it last. Our relationships, our stuff, our identities, our stories and judgments about ourselves and others. Our blogs. But nothing lasts. We don’t get to keep a thing. So work on enjoying whatever it is while it’s here, then letting it go. The way the sun sets, the way a storm ceases. With grace.

19. Myths and Fairy Tales

Aren’t just cute little stories. Rather, within them are embedded the mysteries of life, our personalities, and our struggles. Best thing I ever heard on this topic was that your three favorite movies reveal the path your life is on, and I believe this more and more. Recently through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) I realized one of my favorite movie characters (for almost twenty years now) was not only hung up on integrity (like I am) but was also embarrassed by his station in life (like I used to be). The idea being that you’re drawn to these characters and their stories for a reason. Your inner wisdom is nudging you forward, giving you a template for what’s possible. Be willing to take the trip.

20. Patience

Is almost harder than letting go. But is one of the most useful traits you could ever hope to develop. Because although the universe is capable of turning on a dime, it rarely does. What’s more, it rarely does what you want it to, when you want it to. Pro tip: the less you insist on having everything your way, the more patient you’ll be. So, in the words of Nancy Byrd Turner, “learn to labor and to wait.” Give yourself the gift of time. To grow. To heal. Nature does not proceed in leaps, and neither do we.

21. Perspective

If I could give everyone one gift, it would be the gift of perspective, the gift of being able to perceive whatever it is thats bothering you (including yourself) in a different way. Alas, since I can’t, go see a therapist. This is what they get paid for. But seriously, what if you could put on a pair of mystical glasses that allowed you to see everything in your life, even the rotten stuff, as heaven’s gift to you? What if you could turn your viewpoint upside down and really see that there’s nothing in your life by accident and that–if it’s there–it’s there for a reason? To challenge you, to grow you, to change you, and maybe even the world, for the better? What if you could look at the mountain you’re facing and, rather than asking God to remove it, absolutely know you were meant to climb it? And then put your boots on. This is my encouragement. Pick up a book, go to church, or bang your head against the wall, not until your circumstances shift, but until your perspective does. Because that’s when you will.

22. Relationships

Seems to be the medium through which everything happens. The bullshit, the learning, and the healing. So look alive. Like or not, no one is alone. We’re all in this together.

23. Self-Acceptance

Means coming to love yourself warts and all, not putting up such a damn front, and being gentle with yourself and others. It means accepting every part of you–even the ugly, angry, and sad parts. The weird thing? The more you accept yourself exactly as you are, the more you accept others and the world exactly as they are. And vice versa. This is why Jesus said don’t judge. Because that which you hold against someone else, sooner or later, you’ll hold against yourself. But as you accept That Which Is Unacceptable in yourself or another, That Which Is Unacceptable becomes your teacher. All parts come bearing gifts. Hold out your hands.

24. Spiritual Practice

Looks different for everyone but is something I’m convinced we all long for and participate in somehow. Maybe one person does it in the kitchen, the way they lovingly prepare the perfect meal to feed their family. Maybe another does it in a chapel. I grew up as a Christian. Last night I prayed the rosary. Now I don’t know what to call myself. More and more, the labels are unimportant. It’s the experience I’m after, the inner knowing that I’m part of something bigger than myself. The conviction that every time I take a breath, God breathes with me. I’m after what the mystics know, the truth that every life, every rock, and every molecule is both sacred and holy.

25. The Physical Body

This could be an entire series of posts. And has been. Suffice it to say that every experience we have on this planet is granted to us through our physical organism. And whereas my personal temptation has been to ignore my body’s signals (information, guidance, wisdom) or be mad it at for hurting or being sick (not good enough), I’ve learned that it is the master and I am its pupil. I am in its classroom, and I must play by its rules. So more and more I’m learning to love, honor, and take care of my body, this gift I’ve been given. Granted, it’s easy to compare yourself to others and find fault with your body, but then you miss The Mystery. Then you miss the wonder that is you.

26. Therapy and Healing

Is actually a thing. And whereas I could go on and on about different therapies and modalities I’ve tried and succeeded with, really, it all started the day I picked up the phone and called my therapist. One little choice that was really a big choice. “I think I need help,” I said. Thankfully, my therapist was a good fit for me, and her office became a safe place, a sacred place, where I could begin to put myself back together. And whereas I’ve done a lot of work on my own, I think this is a huge part of the process. Having a witness. Not someone that does the work for you, but someone who sees you and believes in you. Maybe more than you do. Someone who is willing to stick with you through it all. Another big part being what my therapist told me that first session. “For this hour we’re going to do two things: sit in truth and not judge ourselves.” So whatever path you choose, I suggest taking these two gems with you. The truth (it will set you free) and non-judgment. I promise, you’ll get further faster if you do.

27. Transformation

Is not only possible, but necessary. Just like a caterpillar can’t stay a caterpillar forever, we as humans can’t stay our old selves forever. Indeed, we’ve been designed to grow, change, transform, evolve. To forget that which is behind and press forward toward the mark. To be burned in the ashes and rise again. To die on the cross and ascend three days (or three years) later. This is written in our stories, and this is written in our cells. So just find a way to accept it. Then get on with the process. Set your foot upon The Path. Entertain the idea that you are more (insert positive adjective here) than you ever thought possible.

28. Travel Writing

Hasn’t been a huge part of my journey or this blog but is still worth mentioning. One lesson from traveling being that, just like that, the universe can take you on a trip, put someone on your path, or put you on someone else’s. Just like that, you can be in a whole new world. With a whole new perspective. JRR Tolkein said, “Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or secret gate.” Believe in this magic. Trust that as one journey ends, another is beginning.

29. Writing

Isn’t for everyone, but is for everyone. At least, words are for everyone. Personally, these words, these hundreds of thousands of words, have changed my life. Once a writer friend pointed out that I was literally writing into existence the life I wanted to live. Sweetheart, hang on for one more day. Things will get better. Lately I’ve been hashtagging all my posts #healing. And whereas I’ve thought of these statements and labels as simply my way of hoping or just description, well, in the beginning was the word. Seriously. Think of the world you create when you say something is “possible” versus the world you create when you say something is “impossible.” Notice how your thoughts, feelings, emotions, attitude, and actions change depending on which world you decide to inhabit. Crazy, I know. And that’s just one little word. Now, have the words I’ve written these last three years MADE my life change? I could never prove that. But my life has changed, and surely it’s at least partly due to the fact that at some point I started telling myself a different story. A story I wanted to hear. One of healing, forgiveness, self-acceptance, hope, transformation, and transcendence. A story in which I was the hero and there was a happy ending.

And surely anyone can do this.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

If you think only girls cry or that crying is inappropriate for some reason, fuck you. Some things are too damn heavy to hold on to forever.

True (Blog #1091)

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

A friend’s laughter takes us backward and carries us forward simultaneously.

The Giving (Blog #1090)

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

Your life is a mystery. But you can relax. It’s not your job to solve it.

Messy (Blog #1073)

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

There’s no such thing as a small action. There’s no such thing as small progress.

Don’t Suffer Needlessly (Blog #1072)

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

Each season has something to offer.

Healing in the Blink of an Eye (Blog #1067)

1 Comment March 1, 2020 CoCo

For the last month I’ve been meaning and wanting to talk about something but haven’t. Granted, I’ve hinted at it, most specifically by saying that I’ve been seeing a different therapist lately for trauma resolution. What I haven’t said is exactly how this therapist has been and is helping me. Sure, I’ve told my friends and family, but I haven’t written about it. Until now. Ugh. It’s not really something I want to do. Not because I don’t want to share my experiences (I do), but because I’m quite sure I’m not going to be able to adequately describe them. And I want to be able to adequately describe them. Because I think a lot of people could benefit from the knowledge.

So I’m going to try.

Let’s start here. Two years ago I read a book called Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro, the founder of EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a fairly well-known therapy that’s often used for the resolution of various types of trauma, including PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). According to Shapiro and from what I can remember, our past, unresolved stressful and traumatic experiences often and regularly negatively affect our current reactions and responses. For example, I’ve mentioned a number of times that I have a lot of money hangups, most likely because I was handed the family checkbook when I was fourteen and my dad went to prison. The idea being that early on my nervous system linked the feeling of “overwhelming” to finances, so that’s the way it’s responded to money ever since. Like, We can’t handle this.

Back to EMDR, the book recommended a number of self-help techniques, including creating a “safe” space for processing memories and crossing your arms across your chest and tapping in alternation to self-soothe. This “bilateral stimulation” is the crux of EMDR and is traditionally done by a therapist who moves their finger back and forth across your field of vision (eye movement) or taps one of your knees and then the other as you think about whatever it is that bothers you. The theory being that this back-and-forth activates and connects both sides of your brain and allows it to reframe stress and trauma in such a way that, instead of seeing past threats as ongoing, it sees them as finally over (desensitization and reprocessing). This brain connection can also be achieved with a moving light (light bar) instead of a therapist’s finger, or with little vibrating buzzers or pulsers (that you hold in your hands) in place of the taps. Or with headphones and audio tones that “ping pong” from one ear to the other.

You know, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Other than the self-help exercises in the book, I didn’t actually try EMDR two years ago. I did discuss it with my therapist, but she didn’t know too much about it. Eventually, the whole thing got shelved. Well, a couple months ago I got (another) sinus infection and felt totally defeated. This is often the case when I get sinus infections. They are “that thing” for me, the thing that causes me to go down the rabbit hole of “I’m not good enough, I can’t take care care of myself, things will never get better, God hates me, and I’m doing everything I can but failing.” Anyway, I thought of EMDR. First because I realized that a handful of distressing emotions had long ago been lumped together with my sinus issues, and second because I remembered the book saying that EMDR can help with chronic pain. Later when I talked to an out-of-state friend who’s an EMDR practitioner, they said, “EMDR didn’t make my chronic health condition go away, but it did help it be not so overwhelming. After I went through the process, I stopped being paralyzed and started thinking, I can handle this. I can take care of myself.”

With that, and upon my friend’s recommendation to find an EMDR practitioner listed on the EMDR.com or EMDRIA.org website (because EMDR isn’t a trademarked process and, therefore, comes in many different flavors), I began my search, finally settling on a gentleman who “just felt right.”

My first appointment (out of four thus far) with him was a month ago, and it lasted two hours. For the first hour, we mainly talked. “Tell me why you’re here,” he said, and I told him basically what I just told you. Then we went through a lot of paperwork. Office stuff, but also a variety of tests, including ones on adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, depression in its numerous forms, and PTSD. “In order to bill your insurance, I have to have a diagnosis,” he said. And whereas I tested high for traumatic events, the only diagnosis he could offer was “generalized stress.”

“That sounds right,” I said. “I live with my parents.”

The second hour is when things got interesting, and this is the part of the process (the actual EMDR process) I’m worried about being able to describe. Again, I’m going to try. However, before I do I’d like to say this, just incase you’ve had an EMDR experience or in the future have an EMDR experience that’s different from what I’m about to describe. Before we even began my EMDR therapist said, “I used the standard EMDR protocol for years. It’s good, it works, and it gets things done. But now I use a modified protocol that–in my experience–is better and gets things done faster.”

“I’m all for fast,” I said.

“Well, I think you’ll be amazed at how quickly your brain can work,” he said. Then he explained that in ideal circumstances whenever something stressful or traumatic happens, the brain “moves” the information or event from the emotional right side of the brain to the non-emotional left side of the brain. This is what happens during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, when you dream, and is why you can go to bed upset about something and wake up the next morning just fine, thinking, What was I so pissed off about in the first place? Well, it’s not that you didn’t have reason to be pissed off. It’s just that your brain PROCESSED the affair and, in so doing, took the charge, the zing, out of the equation. Like, yeah, shit happened, but so what?

I’m over it now.

Alas, sometimes our brain is unable to process our dramas and traumas because of something called “nodes.” Think of a street that has a road bump on it and how that keeps traffic from flowing smoothly across. Well, nodes are the road bumps in your brain that keep information from moving out of something called “a channel” in the right side of your brain to one in your left. EMDR removes the nodes.

Your brain does the rest.

As I understand it, traditional EMDR involves eight phases, including (but not limited to) creating a safe space, uninstalling old beliefs or cognitions, and reinstalling new ones. “Usually there’s a fair amount of talking,” my EMDR therapist said, “but you don’t even have to tell me what you want to process if you don’t want to. All you have to do is hold these little buzzers [one in each hand], close your eyes, and think of AN EVENT or FEELING that’s troublesome to you.” That’s the thing, he explained, our brains don’t store information based on time; they store or group information based on feeling (in a channel). So whenever something stressful or traumatic happens, the brain says, “When have we felt THIS WAY before?” and it subconsciously (out of your conscious awareness) brings up all the times in the past you’ve felt frightened, scared, intimidated, or whatever. “This is why you can be anxious or nervous or panicked or depressed and not know why,” he said. “Because you’re responding in the moment with the full weight of your UNPROCESSED past.”

Think about THAT.

Holding the buzzers that first session, I closed my eyes and focused on the fire that burned our family house down when I was four. It’s the earliest trauma and formative event (game changer) I can think of, I reasoned. Well, immediately I began to cry. Not just a little, but a lot. Full body kind of stuff. At the same time I felt overwhelmed, scared, frightened, and alone. Then–and this is the weird part–I started getting images of the dozens, if not hundreds, of times in my life I’ve felt these emotions. Once I heard a man with a photographic memory say that when he sees an oak tree he remembers EVERY TIME he’s ever seen an oak tree. The way you’d flip through the pages of a photo album. Well, it was like that. And then there was this time, and there there was that time.

This went on for thirty to forty-five minutes. Every ten to fifteen minutes we stopped for break, either after so many buzzes or when I was breathing too hard. That’s the thing, while holding the buzzers (that were continually going buzz, buzz, buzz) and thinking about my past, not only did I release emotions, but I also breathed heavily and, perhaps because I was getting too much oxygen, tingled throughout my hands, stomach, chest, throat, and head. Later I read that when being continuously bilaterally stimulated, some people “itch” inside their brains, theoretically because the brain is creating new neural pathways or “channels.” Getting back to our discussion about rapid eye movement, this new neural pathway creation is what happens during REM sleep and is what EMDR simulates. “But because you’re awake when it happens,” my EMDR therapist said, “you can CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE what you want to process.”

Talk about amazing.

I just said I was thinking about my past, but that’s not really accurate. I started thinking about my past, and then my brain took over. Honestly, it was like I was watching a two-part movie. The first part being called Here’s Why You Used to Believe and Feel the Way You Did, and the second part being called Here’s What We Believe and Feel Now (Better). That is, while I was breathing hard and feeling all kinds of emotions (“The key to healing is feeling,” my EMDR therapist said), I was getting image after image of everything that had contributed to, among other things, my belief that the world was a scary place or that something bad (like a fire and total loss) was going to happen. And whereas I wish I could tell you all of those memories, 1) I already have on this blog over the course of three years, and 2) it happened too fast for me to keep track of. You know how a hockey puck gets bounced around on the ice from player to player?

It was that quick, too quick to hold on to.

It was like a life review, the kind they say you get when you die. Your life in fast-motion. But more than being a review, it was a revelation. Like, Oh! That’s the burden I’ve been carrying. That piece was heavy, and that piece was heavy. Then my breath slowed down, and there was an unloading, a cognition that, Sweetheart, it’s over now. And here’s what we learned from all that crap. This cognition, my EMDR therapist says, is what happens when your brain truly processes something. There’s a peace to it, a resolution, an over-ness. “Personally, I think Shapiro got the name wrong,” he said. “Instead of re-processing, it should simply be processing.”

According to my EMDR therapist, my brain processed–for the first time–the event I focused on that that day (the fire) and all the emotions associated with it. “We opened and ‘cleaned out’ that channel,” he said, adding that the channel would stay open until I fell asleep that night, at which point it would close. For-ev-er. “So don’t think or talk about anything related to it,” he said, “not until tomorrow. If something comes up–and it will–don’t focus on it. Distract yourself.” Which is part of the reason I haven’t discussed this until now. One the days I have EMDR, I’m sentenced to silence.

Since that first session, I’ve worked on 1) my feeling of powerlessness related to my sinus issues, 2) my feeling of hopelessness around other health problems, and 3) my issues on the topic of money. And whereas I’ll spare you all the (even longer) details, I will say that each session has been just as weird and helpful as the first. On each topic, my brain has zinged and hockey-pucked around and has shown me in pictures and feelings all the dots that have connected over the years to form my life, beliefs, emotional responses, and actions up until now. Every time, there’s been a huge emotional release. I’ve cried, heaved, sweated, stomped my feet, clenched my fists, snarled, twitched, and hissed, all things my body WANTED to do when, for example, I was a teenager and my dad was arrested (sinus issues/feeling powerless). After the release, there’s been the cognition, which usually shows up in archetypal or movie images. (I don’t know if this is typical or because I often think of my life as a story.) The prisoner being set free. The hero returning home after a long journey. The child being embraced by their family.

A deep knowing that “it wasn’t your fault.”

The result of my four EMDR sessions is that–on every topic–I feel better. In general, I wake up happier, lighter. I went to a dance last night and didn’t compare myself to other people, like I usually do. At times, I’m euphoric for no reason. It’s like a weight has been lifted. In terms of money, I literally walked into my EMDR therapist’s office nervous and afraid about the topic and walked out feeling on top of the world, unintimidated. One week my regular therapist brought up money and I squirmed, and the next week I brought it up on my own accord. “LET’S TALK ABOUT MONEY!” I said. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s like I’m a different person. Or like I’m the same person with different wiring. Painful circuits have been unplugged. Other, more useful ones, have been plugged in. “If you put all your beliefs about yourself in a jar and then removed all the bad ones, what would be left?” my EMDR therapist says.

“All the good ones.”

One of the reasons I’ve spent so much time writing about this is that, quite frankly, I never knew my brain (and body) could process and resolve trauma so quickly. (Has anyone ever told you that?) I think of it like owning a luxury car that can do zero to sixty in three seconds but never being informed, “Hey, you’ve got something powerful there.” And so you treat your car (yourself) like an old jalopy, never taking it (yourself) out of second gear. There’s a scene in Disney’s The Sword in the Stone in which Merlin the wizard “packs up” his entire cottage with a spell. “Higitus Figitus,” he starts singing, and every book, table, chair, tea cup, and sugar bowl begins to shrink, shrink, shrink and dance itself into his small carpet bag. (Mary Poppins pulled a similar trick in reverse.) By the end of his chant, what used to weigh a ton is as light as a feather. This is what processing really does, takes something huge and shrinks it down to size. THIS is what my experience with EMDR has been like. That fast, that magical. This is what we’re truly capable of. Healing in the blink of an eye.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

You know when someone crosses a line. You may not want to admit it, but you know.

On Being a Guinea Pig (Blog #1061)

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

Just because your face is nice to look at doesn’t mean you don’t have a heart that’s capable of being broken. These things happen to humans, and there isn’t a one of us who isn’t human.