On Ways to Change Old Patterns (Blog #877)

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This morning I went to bed at three and woke back up at six in order to help my dad celebrate his birthday (it’s today). One of his favorite things in the world is chocolate-filled donuts from Irish Maid Donuts in Fort Smith, and the last time we went–on Father’s Day at ten o’clock–they were nearly out. So this time we decided to go earlier. Not only that, Dad called them this morning to make sure they were still open (because several streets in Fort Smith flooded during the night), and when we arrived, they not only had our donuts ready, but they’d also written “Happy Birthday” on top of our box.

Talk about service.

Dad and I ate at the store, and the lady working the counter said they’ve been using the same donut/chocolate filling recipe since the 1950s. Y’all, it’s delicious. Totally worth getting up for. That being said, I went straight back to bed when Dad and I were finished and slept til almost twelve.

This afternoon I watched several videos online, mostly “smartypants” stuff, as my therapist calls it. You know, self-help, personal growth material. And whereas I enjoyed most of it, there was one video by one lady that absolutely got on my nerves. I kept thinking, This is dumb. I’ve got better things to do. Still, my inner completionist kept thinking I should stick with it. My inner good student thought, What if there’s important information that we NEED? Finally I thought of something my therapist says occasionally–follow the energy. That is, if something doesn’t excite you, it’s probably not for you. So I switched off the video while the lady was mid-sentence and moved on with my life.

It felt great.

Lately I’ve been talking a lot about changing patterns, and one of the videos I did completely watch today said that you can engage new patterns in a couple of ways. First, and I know this seems obvious, but you can “just do it.” What I mean is that I have an old pattern of completing things I start even if I don’t enjoy them, but a desire for a new pattern of being willing to walk away from that which doesn’t serve me (don’t throw good money after bad). So the simplest way for me to get comfortable walking away is to actually practice walking away–from a book, from a video, from a person. People always tell me they have two left feet. Duh. Of course they do–and they always will unless they’re willing to at least TRY to dance.

Which brings me to the second way you can change patterns. Get a role model, a teacher, or a therapist. The donut shop has been using the same recipes for over fifty years not because one baker has come in and done their own thing, but rather because one baker has learned from another who has already done it. This is why you take dance lessons from someone who already knows how to dance. This is why I see a therapist–because she already knows how to have boundaries, how to advocate for herself, how to speak her truth, and so on, and these are things I’ve wanted to learn. In order to do so, I’ve needed–and I think we all need–an example, a guide, someone who says, “Look here. See what’s possible. See how you can grow. See what you can become.”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Our burdens are lighter when we share them.

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On Perseverance (Blog #875)

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This morning without meaning to I drove through a no-car zone near a local school. As soon as it happened, I was like, Oh crap, I’m not supposed to be here, but it was too late. I WAS already “here,” both on the planet and in the no-car zone, so I kept going. Naturally, my inner rule-follower felt bad enough, but then one of the recess teachers gave me the evil eye as I made my way back to where I was supposed to be. I thought about it all afternoon. Like, I’M SORRY, MISTER. IT WAS A MISTAKE. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES!

Other than being a schoolyard rebel, I spent today painting. Earlier this week I started transforming a turquoise room at a friend’s house into a white room, and today, after over six hours of work, I finished. Here’s the before picture. Well, I’d already primed the ceiling, which was brown.

Here’s the after picture. Look at all that glorious white. I think the space could pass as God’s waiting room. If only the floor were gold. And there were floor-length purple drapes, of course.

This evening, in addition to starting a house-sitting gig, I spent over three hours working on my mom’s tablet. First I helped her sign up for a rewards club (she’s actually done it correctly, but since they didn’t confirm by email, I went ahead and did it again), then I worked getting all her pictures to display properly in her gallery (because they weren’t). For months, certain downloaded photos have shown as black or blank on her tablet, although the files themselves have always been fine. You could move them to another device and view them no problem. Well, everything the internet suggested didn’t work, and it suggested a lot. While going through all the possible solutions, I actually caused more problems. Finally, not only did I fix those, but I fixed the original problem as well. One app had to have its updates REMOVED, and ANOTHER app had to BE updated.

Sheesh. Technology.

By the time this ordeal was over, I was ready to spit nails. Then my dad asked me to change a lightbulb, and I tried three bulbs I found sitting around before one of them worked. In the process, I broke a perfectly good bulb. Shit, I said. It didn’t help that I was hungry.

Things are worse when you’re hungry.

Now it’s 2:15 in the morning, and I’m bound and determined to finish this in 500 words or less and go to bed. Earlier, after working on my mom’s device, I noticed I was in a tizzy. I really wanted to get that problem sorted out, and yet I was hungry, and yet I hadn’t blogged yet. So I got stressed. Finally, after grabbing a burrito (okay, two) and settling down, I took my mind off what was stressful about today and smiled–because I accomplished things. The day didn’t suck. I painted a room, I fixed a tablet. I persevered.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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One day a change will come.

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On Self-Possession (Blog #873)

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Today I started painting a new room at my friend’s house that I’ve been working at this month. And whereas the room is small, it’s still taking longer than it “should” because it’s requiring three coats of paint instead of two–one coat of primer and two coats of white. This afternoon I rolled and cut in one coat of primer and one coat of white. Oh my gosh, y’all, I made such a mess–mostly on myself–because the primer and the paint splattered so much when I rolled them on the ceiling. When I took a break to see my chiropractor, not only was I covered in paint, I was also covered in sweat. I thought about going home to change, but then I thought, Fuck it.

Wayne Dyer tells a story about when he was in college and studying Maslow. His teacher said, “If a self-actualized person went to a party dressed in blue jeans and a t-shirt but everyone else were dressed in tuxedos and ballgowns, what would the self-actualized person do?” Well, Dyer and his classmates had all sorts of thoughts. The guy would go home. The guy would change clothes. The guy would stay but feel embarrassed. The guy would stay but wouldn’t care. “No!” the professor said, “The self-actualized person wouldn’t notice.”

Okay. That sounds nice, right? Who wouldn’t love to go through life so self-assured that you don’t even NOTICE when you’re sticking out like a sore thumb? Alas, I’ve talked to my therapist about this hypothetical situation, and we both called bullshit. “I don’t know ANYONE with a respectable IQ that wouldn’t NOTICE,” I said. “Wouldn’t you NOTICE if you walked outside and it were a hundred degrees? Or if your tires fell off your car while you were driving down the highway?”

“I’ve known some pretty spiritual people,” my therapist said, “but I’ve never met anyone who’s self-actualized by that definition. Self-possessed, certainly. I’ve known plenty of self-possessed people.”

My therapist explained that self-possessed people carry themselves with confidence. They don’t ask the world’s permission to exist. In my experience, it’s not that you don’t NOTICE what other people are doing or wearing, it just doesn’t have a bearing on what you do or wear. Since putting my dance instruction videos on YouTube and my life in general on this blog, I’ve had both friends and total strangers tell me to get rid of my blonde hair, never wear flip flops to dance in, stop wearing hats and bandanas, stop wearing so many black t-shirts, and smile more. With all due respect, go fuck yourself. I’m an adult and capable of not only dressing myself, but also taking care of myself in ever aspect of my life. I’m not saying I have everything figured out, but whenever I need help, I have a long list of professionals whom I can consult. My therapist and my chiropractor, for example.

My point in sharing these examples is mostly to say that as you walk the path of self-possession, there will be plenty of voices that tell you you’re doing something wrong. Don’t give them much notice. Even this voice, my voice. Rather, take what serves you and disregard the rest. Just like I am, you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. The more you own your capabilities, the more the world will accept you as you are. In the last few years I’ve found I’m just as comfortable going out in public covered in paint as I am in a suit and tie. Not that I feel equally “hot” in both get-ups, but my self-worth doesn’t change. Either way I don’t worry about what other people will think or worry if they’ll be disappointed in me. This is who I am–warts and all.

It’s that simple.

Here’s one final thing to consider in terms of self-possession. A self-possessed adult doesn’t tell another adult what to wear or what to do. (Why, Marcus?) Because a self-possessed person is too busy working out their own shit and trying to be responsible for their own life to be concerned with someone else’s. Going back to Dyer’s example, this means only an insecure person would tell the guy in jeans and a t-shirt he needed to change. I mean, a self-possessed person COULD do it (if there were a rule or boundary to enforce), but an insecure person most likely WOULD–because they feel insecure, because they need someone or something outside of them to change in order for them to feel better. That’s the deal with self-possessed people. They know what’s outside them doesn’t really matter. This is why they’re comfortable in both rags or robes. It’s what’s inside them that determines their joy.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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It's enough to sit in, and sometimes drag ass through, the mystery.

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Right Brain, Take the Wheel (Blog #871)

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It’s late Sunday afternoon, and after having spent the last five days painting, last night I decided I needed a break. So this morning I slept in then took my time making and eating breakfast. Then I read a book–No Self, No Problem: How Neuropsychology Is Catching Up to Buddhism by Chris Niebauer, Ph.D. The book officially comes out in a few weeks, but I received an advanced copy in exchange for writing an online review. And whereas I haven’t written the review yet, I really liked it. The author does a fabulous job explaining the two halves of our brains and how the left half–because its job is to recognize patterns and categorize things (as good or bad, right or wrong)–is responsible for most of our suffering. Additionally, its responsible for not only the judgments you have about yourself (I’m fat, I’m handsome, I’m oh-so desperately lonely), but also the idea that YOU, as in I or ME, exist as a separate entity in the first place.

I know, I know, we all thing we exist. I’m Marcus Coker. I like cheddar cheese and need a new pair of pants (because I like cheddar cheese).

Niebauer says the right side of your brain tells a different story. It’s the side that focuses on SPACE instead of OBJECTS, and also the side that feels connection to rather than separation from. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neurobiologist who had a stroke on the left side of her brain, says the same thing in her book My Stroke of Insight. When only her right brain was online, she felt “at one” with everything in her environment. She couldn’t tell where she ended and the floor started. Granted, she couldn’t make a phone call or immediately communicate her experience to anyone because the side where she had the stroke is responsible for language, but still, it was good trip. This state of bliss is what the Buddhists refer to as Nirvana or other traditions call Enlightenment. The goods news, Niebauer says, is you don’t have to have a stroke to experience the positive benefits of the right side of your brain. Whenever you’re so absorbed in what you’re doing (reading a book, creating an art project, making love) that you lose track of time, you’re in the right side of your brain.

Later, when you think, I really should have been working out at the gym, you’re in your left side.

Since I spend A LOT of time in the left side of my brain (hanging out with my inner perfectionist and inner completionist), my new motto is, “Right brain, take the wheel.”

The right side of your brian, apparently, is in the moment, which is where life encouraged me to be this afternoon. I’d planned to go to the library to do some things on their high-speed internet, but just as I was finishing Niebauer’s book it started raining cats and dogs, so I decided to stay home and work on a personal writing project I recently started instead. This was absolutely the best thing that could have happened. For two hours I got absorbed in my work, then I read it out loud to myself over and over again so I could check the pacing and iron out the kinks. And whereas writing can often feel like a have-to, this felt truly exciting.

I had so much fun, in fact, that I lost track of time (thanks, right brain!), which means that now my left-brain is pushing me to finish tonight’s blog in a hurry, before I meet a friend for dinner. (My left-brian’s a planner; yours is too.) One of Niebauer’s suggestions for getting into your right brain is to do something just because–not because it’s smart or healthy or wise, but just because you had the thought to do it. So in an effort to follow that advice, rather than trying to wrap this up neatly like I always do, I’m going to simply stop typing and get on with my life. Right brain, take the wheel.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Normal people don’t walk on water.

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On Perfectionism (Blog #869)

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This afternoon I started painting a bathroom at a friend’s house. And whereas I didn’t get one complete coat done, I did come close. Plus, I’m learning to accept less than perfect as okay. Often when I’m editing a piece of writing or choreographing a dance routine, I can tweak forever. Eventually, my eyes cross. I don’t know what’s good and what’s bad. This is, of course, because what’s good, great, or perfect in one person’s eyes is blah or whatever in another’s. Tonight I watched a video on YouTube with two million views. Eight thousand people gave it a thumbs up. Two thousand people gave it a thumbs down.

Who’s right?

Recently I saw someone on a online forum ask, “What’s the difference between a perfectionist and a person who just appreciates excellence?” Well, first off, only a perfectionist would ask this question, a perfectionist who wants to believe they’re not a perfectionist. Who me? Never. I just have high standards. This thinking is insidious. I should know. I’m a perfectionist from way back. That being said, things are getting better. Over the last several years I’ve come to accept, if not embrace, many things in my inner and outer worlds that I previously would have turned my nose up at. Do I still appreciate excellence? You bet your sweet bippy. I can absolutely marvel at a flawless body, a well-decorated room, or prize-worthy writing. But do I NEED everything in my life to conform to my extremely high standards in order to have inner peace?

No.

I didn’t participate in the online conversation I just mentioned, but for me the big difference between a perfectionist and someone who appreciates excellence is the perfectionist will act compulsively and the person who appreciates excellence won’t. That is, a perfectionist MUST have things just so in order to move on or sleep well at night. Earlier I was editing a piece of music, and my perfectionist got hung up because the cut ended on count 7 instead of 8, the end of the measure. Well, I almost threw the whole project out. This is crap, I thought. No one will like it. Because of one beat! When most people don’t even count beats of music–OR CARE. Thankfully, I just got over it. Seven is the number of perfection, I told myself. And it was that simple. I just needed to tell myself a different story. Now I have a piece of edited music I didn’t have before.

At the very least, it’s good enough.

Several years ago I painted and redecorated nearly the entire interior of a friend’s house. Weeks after everything was done, I realized I’d used latex paint on their trim instead of oil-based. Now, this is a common thing to do, but it’s not technically “the best” thing to do because latex doesn’t stick to oil-based paint all that well. It comes off it’s bumped into a lot. Anyway, I called my friend in a panic. “I fucked up,” I said. But my friend wasn’t upset. I guess because THEY aren’t a perfectionist, at least when it comes to their house. “Is everything better than it was when you started?” they said. “Yeah, it is,” I said. “Then I’m happy,” they said.

Contrast this to how uptight Barbra Streisand got when she remodeled her house. (You can read about it in her book she wrote about design.) She absolutely insisted everything be just so. Like, do it over. Is her house beautiful? You bet your sweet bippy. But is she any happier living there than my friend is in their home? I doubt it. Because a perfectionist is never truly satisfied. There’s always SOMETHING to improve. Talk about tiring. So for all recovering perfectionists, I suggest looking at something that would normally drive you crazy–a crooked picture, an unfinished project, a less-than-perfect selfie–and leaving it alone. Go ahead, try it. Find a way to move on with your life. The world won’t fall apart.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You know when someone crosses a line. You may not want to admit it, but you know.

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Each Step is Necessary (Blog #866)

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This morning I finished painting a room I started painting a couple weeks ago before The Great Upset Stomach Incident of 2019. Well, I technically didn’t paint it today. Rather, I scraped paint off the windows then cleaned up the mess I made on the floor. Then I put the light switch and electrical outlet covers back on. This is all part of the process when painting a room–the details. With respect to this particular project, twenty percent of my total time was spent either getting the room ready to paint or putting it back together after having painted it.

After finishing that room, I started on another. This room was smaller than the first, but it still took over an hour to tape off the carpet around the baseboards, scrape off some old paint that was peeling inside the closet, and get the drop cloth down. Once things were prepped and ready to go, I was ready to go. That is, I took a break so I could see my chiropractor and grab lunch. Later, I came back and got one full coat of paint applied to that room. Ugh. I’d wanted to finish the whole thing tonight, but things always take longer than you want them to.

This is what tomorrow’s for.

Several days ago I figured out the rash on my arm is ringworm, a fungus. I can’t tell you how grossed out I’ve been about it. Anyway, I’ve been putting anti-fungal cream on it and, honestly, probably overdoing it. Still, although I have to admit it’s colorful to look at, I want the damn thing gone. Well, after three days of applying the cream, I couldn’t tell a difference. I thought, Maybe I’m doing something wrong. MAYBE IT’S CANCER! But then just like that, this morning, I noticed a significant positive change. Now it’s pink instead of red. There’s new skin forming. My point is that, first, if you just look at things as they are–a half-painted room, a fungus on your arm–you can’t always tell something good is happening. Second, if you’re not patient, you’ll probably get real frustrated and and think things are worse than they are.

There’s a famous tale that gets told a lot in spiritual circles. A wise man prayed that his teenage son would always be safe, and the next day his son fell off a horse and broke his leg. “How awful,” the villagers said, but the wise man stayed silent. Later when a war broke out and most the town’s youth were drafted to their ultimate demise, the wise man’s son was spared. How could he fight with a broken leg?

So often this happens in our own lives. We think something is awful, and it turns out to be good. Today my chiropractor and I talked about my current frustrations, the chief of which is that it often feels like I’m doing everything right and not getting the results I want (in my health, in my life). However, the truth is that I have a limited perspective. I look back on my life thus far and think, All of that was necessary preparation. So wouldn’t it make sense to think that what I’m living NOW–even with all its pains and frustrations–is also necessary preparation for what I will be living LATER?

Of course it would.

Each step is necessary.

My chiropractor’s suggestion was for me to see how much I could embrace. That is, often when things aren’t going how we want them to, we push against the universe. We go to work with a scowl on our face and curse and spit at every opportunity because we feel we’re being put upon by life. (Or is that just me?) But there is another option. Personally, I know I have it within me to ENJOY whatever it is I’m doing, whomever I’m around (well, almost). I can EMBRACE the moment–half-painted room, a fungus among us, this is my life right here, right now. I can recognize that everything is part of The Process. I can recognize that each step is necessary. I can recognize that all things are progressing, healing as they should.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Take your challenges and turn them into the source of your strengths.

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On Staying on Top of Things (Blog #864)

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Phew. It’s 11:15 at night, and Daddy is worn out. This afternoon and evening I mowed and weedeated two lawns. And whereas my body rose to the occasion after being sick most of last week, y’all, it was hotter than the devil’s armpit. Thankfully, since I started later in the day, I had a lot of shade. Plus, I stayed hydrated–I drank over a gallon of water. Anyway, I worried last week because my stomach bug kept me from my mowing obligations, but everything turned out okay. The grass waited for me. Hell, it even grew. This wasn’t a problem for me, though. I enjoy a good challenge.

Before I mowed the lawns today, I grabbed a burrito (okay, two) for lunch then used a toothpick apparatus to clean my teeth. Oh my gosh, one of my back teeth has been bothering me lately, and–no shit–I dug out a piece of popcorn that’s apparently been stuck up there since last week when I went to the movies. I seriously don’t know how this little sucker got passed me. I brush and floss every day. It must have really been hiding.

The thing that’s been on my mind today is how so often little things become big things. Like that piece of popcorn (when I pulled it out, my gums bled). Like the grass I mowed today (I had to go over several grown-up sections twice). Like the problems I’ve had in my relationships, both platonic and non-platonic. Looking back, without exception, I can see that every major blowup I’ve had in my relationships was due to the fact that I ignored red flags and let things get out of hand. When I finally did confront problems, I imagine there were more hurt feelings than there needed to be because, by that point, there was so much history. People had become attached.

A while back I had a date with someone and realized we simply weren’t compatible (because they were bat-shit crazy and I’m not). Nonetheless, I was still attracted to this person, since, let’s be honest, crazy can be real hot. Now, fortunately, things fizzled out on their own, but in thinking about whether or not I should “try again,” I remembered something my therapist says she tells herself sometimes–“Do you REALLY want to do that? We’ve been down this road before and know how it ends.” So I didn’t. I didn’t try again.

My point in telling this story is that the old me would have clung on for all the wrong reasons until eventually things got so miserable I couldn’t stand it. Not only that, the old me would have done this repeatedly, each time with a different person. The old me did do that. Most of us operate this way. Different people come in and out of our lives, but we experience the same problems, the same drama. As I recently heard, people say life is one damn thing after another, but it’s actually the same damn thing over and over again. Why? Because we refuse to recognize and change our patterns.

I say recognize and change because recognition is huge. People say you first have to admit you have a problem, and this means SEEING you have a problem. This is where a therapist or trusted friend comes in handy. They see problems we can’t see because we’re too close to them. That was the deal for me. The old me didn’t realize what was going on. Sure, I recognized certain bad behavior, but I wasn’t able to connect the dots. Things would just one day blow up, and it was like, “How did we get here?” Now after years of therapy I’m able to step back and observe others’ behavior neutrally. Like, that was passive aggressive. That was real shitty. That was bat-shit crazy. Even, that was real mature.

Or, I’m being unrealistic. Or, I’m just not that into them.

Recently I heard that life will invite you to self-abandon a dozen times a day. This means we’re constantly tempted to eat things that are bad for us, make someone else’s needs more important than our own, or take the easy way out. My therapist is always saying, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch–you either pay now or you pay later.” To me this means that we can either stay on top of our lawns, diets, and relationships with minimal effort, or we can ignore problems and have to bring out the big guns later. Neither way is right or wrong, but big guns always mean more fallout, more collateral damage, and–usually–a longer period of healing or putting yourself back together. So for me it’s becoming more and more important to stay on top of things. This means seeing clearly, being as honest as possible, and–if necessary–taking action.

And not dating people who are bat-shit crazy.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We always have more support than we realize.

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It’s about Momentum (Blog #862)

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After spending most of this last week fighting a stomach bug (or maybe food poisoning), I woke up today significantly better. Granted, I’m not ready for Thai food and pizza, but I am feeling more–what’s the word?–stable. Maybe seventy-five percent. Although my hips hurt like an old lady’s. Who knows why. Maybe that’s part of the sickness. Maybe I got dehydrated or spent too much time in bed. Either way, I could use some Bengay.

Honey, I’ve been gay my whole life.

But I digress.

In order to “celebrate” my body’s recovery, I spent today cleaning house. My parents are having company next week, so getting the house clean before their friends arrive is a family goal. (Go team.) Anyway, this afternoon I dusted most of the house, cleaned my bathroom, then tackled a few odd jobs I’ve been putting off for a while–storing a lambrekin under a bed (which required taking the bed apart), reattaching a toilet paper holder to a wall, super-gluing a wooden knickknack together, fixing the legs on my mom’s recliner, and removing a grease stain from the interior of my car, Tom Collins. My dad said, “What’s come over you?”

“I have no idea,” I said. “Sometimes I just get in a mood.”

Later when Dad and I were moving the living room couch so we (I) could vacuum under it, he said, “Don’t worry. We [you] won’t have to do any of this again for six or eight months.”

“Thank god,” I replied.

In terms of being in the mood to clean and tackle projects–really–I think it mostly comes down to just getting started. Like, I’d already set the day aside to work on the house, so as I was cleaning and remembered odd jobs I’d procrastinated, I thought, What’s one more thing? I’m already in the middle of it (cleaning and fixing shit).

Now my question is, “What are YOU in the middle of?” Because chances are, that’s what you’re going to keep doing, since that’s where your momentum is (and it’s about momentum). For instance, while cleaning this afternoon I got caught up in an episode of Dr. Phil in which a woman who’d had an affair created this HUGE ordeal (like, she went on the Dr. Phil show and claimed her phone had been hacked by Russians) in order to cover her tracks and convince her husband otherwise. Of course, this ordeal started off as one lie, then it grew from there. By the time she was IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, she and her husband had not only spent thousands of dollars on new electronics and a private investigator (who said the lady herself was the hacker), but she’d also tried to deceive half of America. And Dr. Phil!

Bitch, please.

People say, “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” And whereas the emphasis of that statement is usually on the word tangled or deceive, I think it could just as easily be put on the word first. That is, where do you START? With lying or with honesty? Because that’s probably what you’ll end up in the middle of and–later– finish with. One thing leads to another. Again, it’s about momentum.

To be clear, although the example I used was about lying, the principle of momentum is neutral. For example, I’ve gotten a lot of positive benefits from both therapy and this blog, and–really–that success is largely due to the fact that I simply started something and have continued to show up to it. Often when evaluating my friendships or considering possible suitors (it does it happen occasionally), I sometimes want to ignore red flags and enjoy the fantasy for a while. But then I think, What’s one more confrontation? What’s one more boundary? I’m already in the middle of it (mental health, taking care of myself). Sometimes I want to cling to a particular object, but then I think, I can let go of this. I’m already in the middle of it (living as a minimalist, not being so attached to physical things).

We’re powerful beyond our comprehension.

This is one of the reasons, I think, why Caroline Myss says there’s no such thing as a small choice. Because one thing leads to another. I chose to clean the house today, and everything looks different now, better. I chose to go to therapy five years ago, and–oh my gosh–my entire world has been turned upside down in the best way. Caroline tells the story of a man who was on his was to commit suicide and changed his mind because a total stranger, who happened to be driving by, smiled at him. Wow. We think we can’t make a difference, that we’re not powerful. But the truth is we’re powerful beyond our comprehension. There are few things we can’t do if we simply decide to. There are few things we can’t do if we simply begin.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you think only girls cry or that crying is inappropriate for some reason, fuck you. Some things are too damn heavy to hold on to forever.

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Old Patterns Die Hard (Blog #861)

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Well crap. After my stomach calmed down yesterday, it revved back up today. This morning I woke up with more energy and thought, Maybe I could work in yard. So, y’all, I actually changed clothes and pulled out the mower. It’s not too hot, I thought, and the yard really NEEDS cutting. Alas, before I could even start the mower, my rumbly tumbly started up instead. Hot-footing it to the bathroom, I thought, Okay, fine. I’ll keep resting.

You win again, body.

Thankfully, things were only dramatic for about thirty minutes. I doubled down on the boring, tummy-friendly foods (bananas, rice, applesauce, and yogurt), and I’ve basically been fine ever since. This afternoon I watched a movie (The Good Shepherd) and a documentary (The Magic Pill, about the benefits of the paleo/ketogenic diet). Then I did a small handyman project in my parents’ kitchen, then this evening I went to Walmart (for more bananas, rice, applesauce, and yogurt). Anyway, fingers crossed, I’m on the mend. Regardless, I’m promising myself that–either way–I’m going to change shirts tomorrow. I’ve been wearing this one for three days!

It’s sexy, I know.

For a while this afternoon I got frustrated because there’s a lot I haven’t gotten DONE this week. For example, mowing my parents’ lawn, as well as two other lawns I’m responsible for. My dad said, “You can’t help it if you’re sick, Marcus,” and yet there’s still this internal pressure to be productive, to be “responsible.” However, the truth is, I am being responsible–to myself. I’m supporting my body. I’m resting. I’m relaxing.

I’m healing.

This evening I heard a story about a woman, a codependent, who got cancer. No shit, her family, whom she had always taken care of, were irritated with her for being sick–because she couldn’t attend to their wants and needs. Dr. Gabor Mate would say this woman’s illness is an example of how the body can say no, meaning that when things are out of balance in our lives, it’s usually our bodies that speak up and ask us to do something about it. Like, Hey, Houston, we have a problem here. STOP TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY EXCEPT YOURSELF.

At the bare minimum, being sick teaches me to rest. I’m always talking about how I go-go-go and push-push-push, and although I can logically agree that that’s not the best way to live, I keep doing it. Old patterns die hard. But lately I’ve been thinking about slowing down, maybe spending more time in nature, so it’s possible my being laid up for a few days is my body’s way of saying, Yes, please, we could use a break. Additionally, like in the example above, being sick teaches me to put myself first. I’ve been so concerned about mowing these people’s lawns–like, What will they think?–but the truth is I could never mow their lawns again and the world would be okay. I wouldn’t deliberately not fulfill my commitments to someone, but if I couldn’t or they weren’t willing to graciously wait until I feel better, it would all work out.

Grass has been growing since the beginning of time.

For me, one of the most difficult and shocking things about personal growth has been admitting that the world is drastically different than I thought it was. Said another way, it’s been admitting that I was wrong. For example, I’ve spent most my life believing I had to be “nice” and put the needs of others above my own. I’ve thought I couldn’t or shouldn’t speak up or set boundaries. I’ve thought I had to be perfect, had to be productive. As it turns out, all of these beliefs were bullshit. Are bullshit. I’m not telling anyone else what to believe, I’m just saying my life has functioned just fine–better, actually–without these self-made rules.

You have to be willing to change.

Do these beliefs still creep up every now and then? Of course they do. I spent years smoking cigarettes off and on, and they still hold a certain appeal. Old patterns die hard. But just like I can’t rationally say that smoking cigarettes is a GOOD idea, I can’t rationally say that being a people pleaser, a perfectionist, or a workaholic is a GOOD idea either. These patterns may have been useful at one time in my life, but they’re certainly not serving me well now. At least, as my therapist would say, when I use them as my “daily driver.” This is the other thing that’s difficult about personal growth–you have to be willing to adopt new patterns. You have to be willing to look at the evidence that is your life, say, “Sweetheart, this isn’t working for us anymore,” and change.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"It's really good news to find out that the world isn't as scary as you thought it was."

Reverse, NEUTRAL, Drive (Blog #859)

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Two nights ago I threw up everything I’d eaten for the previous week. It was nasty. Thankfully, I haven’t thrown up since. I have, however, been dragging ass. Yesterday I spent all day in bed. Today, by the grace of God, I only spent half the day in bed. My energy is noticeably better–I took a shower today!–but it’s still not fabulous. This evening I taught a dance lesson and thought, I think I’m perking up, then I came home and promptly merged my ass with the couch. Ugh. You just can’t heal any faster than you do.

Ain’t that the truth, Ruth?

Normally when I’m sick I’m pretty impatient. I want to heal NOW. And whereas, of course, I’d like to feel better on the lickety-split, I’ve noticed this time around that I’ve been able to let things unfold at their own pace. I keep thinking of how for two hours Sunday night I felt nauseated and then how–all of a sudden–I was on the bathroom floor vomiting. It was so fast, so violent. My point is that my body was clearly ON IT, working swiftly to remove whatever was bothering us. Y’all, I’ve given my body a lot of crap over the years, and yet right there on the cold tile I had all this proof that my body was on my side. Clearly my immune system is like one of those muscle-y bouncers at da club. It’s ready to throw any offending party out on its rear.

Like, get the hell out. And stay out.

Now, do I wish that I’d thrown up Sunday night and felt better immediately? Of course. But in truth, I have felt better–progressively better. And when you consider that my body was just poisoned or otherwise invaded–and that in throwing out the bad guys my stomach also had to throw out some good guys–it makes sense that it would take a few days for things to regain their balance. Even if it takes a week, what’s the big deal? Few things in life can’t wait a week.

This perspective, that my body is actually on my side and constantly working to help me, helps make the healing process more bearable. Recently I heard that when things aren’t going well in your life, it may be because you’re in a time of transition. When I’m teaching dance I often compare a series of three steps to “reverse, neutral, and drive,” meaning the first step goes back, the second step stays in place, and the third step goes forward. My point in teaching it this way is to emphasize that each step is important–even the neutral one that doesn’t “go” anywhere. Anyway, lately I’ve been thinking about how important the neutral phases in our lives are.

I’ll explain.

A while back I had a confrontation that wasn’t fun for me. And although it wasn’t fun, it felt good to not bite my tongue. It felt good to be honest and let the chips fall where they may, where they needed to. When I discussed this confrontation with my therapist she said, “I imagine there will come a day when you’ll be negotiating a business deal, and this skill of speaking your truth and standing your ground will come in handy. So just think of this as practice.”

I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of this advice, the idea that although my current circumstances aren’t glamorous, they may be preparing me for something better down the line. Lately I’ve been reminded of the adage, “If you want the things in your life to change, you have to be willing to change the things in you life.” To me this means that if you want your life to be different, YOU have to be willing to be different. Of course, like healing, personal change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something that comes in stages. The future you is something you grow into a little bit here, a little bit there.

Recently I blogged about changing patterns, and this is basically what I’m talking about tonight. Applied to my example about confronting someone, you could say that I USED to have a pattern of letting myself be walked on like a door mat (reverse), but that for the last few years I’ve been 1) letting that pattern die out and 2) letting a new pattern develop–speaking up for my damn self (neutral)–so that I’ll be better able to navigate the rest of my life (forward). Y’all, my therapist is probably the most outspoken and confrontational person I know, but she says she used to be quiet as a church mouse. Well, shit, she didn’t just wake up loud and boisterous one day. She had to work at it. She too had to go through a neutral phase.

More and more, I’m appreciating the neutral phase, the transitional phase, the healing phase. I think when you realize there’s a point to it, it’s easier to sit with, patiently. When you remodel and redecorate a room, you have to let the paint dry before you hang the curtains. Otherwise you’ll have a damn mess. Likewise, when you want an entirely different life, you have to let your old one (your old patterns) dry up first. I mean, what would happen if you were a people pleaser and all of a sudden inherited a bunch of money? That’s right–goodbye money. Why? Because your pocketbook changed but YOU didn’t. So if it feels like you’re stuck and not going anywhere–good. Chances are you’re being given a chance to change, to learn something new, to heal. Take heart. Be patient. Your time is coming.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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I don't think anyone came to this planet in order to get it right the first time. What would be the point?

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