Slow Your Ass Down (Blog #911)

Leave a comment

Twice last night I dreamed that I took a break from work and drove to In and Out Burgers for something to eat. Both times, they weren’t open. The second time, they’d locked up just minutes before I got there. The waiter, a real pimply faced kid with stringy blonde hair, didn’t seem to care that I was starving. “You’ll have to go somewhere else,” he said. “We’re closed.”

This morning I mowed a lawn then came home to eat. Thanks to intermittent fasting, this has been my routine for the last twelve days–wake up, do something for a couple hours, then–after noon–eat. I get this window every day, eight hours, to eat whatever I want within reason, and then the window closes. Currently it’s four-fifteen in the afternoon, which means the window is open. I just ate two handfuls of nuts and an apple, which means I’m still hungry. I’ve been hungry for twelve days straight. I mean, it’s not awful, I just don’t have that I’m-oh-so-satisfied-because-I-just-ate-French-Toast feeling.

But my pants fit, so there’s that.

This afternoon when I got home from mowing I noticed a plate of desserts on our kitchen counter. Our neighbor, who’s a witch with an oven, had just brought them over. “You should try this bundt cake with butterscotch rum icing,” my dad said. “Go ahead. Just dip your finger in it.”

“No,” I said. “Get thee behind me, Satan.”

This makes two days in a row that I’ve turned down a dessert that was sitting right in front of my face, just begging to be eaten. What is happening to me? After breakfast I thought, I wonder if I have the willpower (dedication, motivation) to keep this up for an entire year, until I’m 40. Just how bad do I want a rockin’ bod (instead of a rockin’ dad-bod)? What I finally determined was that I had the willpower to stick with things today and that I can worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Will there be exceptions made along this journey? Absolutely. I’m positively determined to not be a perfectionist about this physical transformation. Give me a special occasion, and I’ll tear up a chocolate cake. But I simply can’t believe that a weekday qualifies as a special occasion and expect to reach my goals. It’s why I haven’t made even one exception to writing this blog every day. I know myself too well. If I take a break for a  day, it’ll turn into a week.

Know thyself.

Getting back to the dream I had last night, it obviously had something to do with my diet. Any time I’ve quit cigarettes I dream about smoking, and any time I go on a diet I dream about cheeseburgers and cookies. It’s like my subconscious is saying, “Hey! Where’d all the good stuff go?” This being said, I really think the dream was driving home the idea that I can’t nourish or sustain myself with any sort of “fast food,” anything in-and-out. This applies to food, friendships, ideologies, philosophies, and work. No, it simply takes time to cultivate anything worthwhile, either inside yourself or outside yourself. It takes desire, will, intent, focus, dedication, dedication, and patience.

I know I said dedication twice. It’s really important.

God’s not a fast-mover.

In terms of patience, I think this idea often gets represented in my dreams as waiters in restaurants. That is, wait-ers, people who wait. I hate that this quality is so needed for everything worthwhile–skills we learn and develop, relationships we cultivate, diets we go on. I hate it, hate it, hate it as much as you do. And yet it’s simply the way of things. God’s not a fast-mover. It takes an entire year (by definition) for the earth to travel around the sun. It takes about ninety days for the seasons to change. But you think you can change faster? Bitch, please. Slow your ass down. Take a deep breath. Do The Hard Work. Wait. The universe isn’t in a hurry.

You don’t have to be either.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

You can’t stuff down the truth—it always comes up.

"

On Things I Claim to Believe (Blog #904)

Leave a comment

Yesterday I was supposed to be a dance gigolo, but the gig got cancelled. And whereas a part of me was like, Crap, there goes that money, most of me was like, Something else will come along. Because of this incident, I’ve thought a lot today about two things I claim to believe–1) the idea that things happen for a reason and 2) the idea of divine timing, that everything happens when it’s supposed to. Because both these ideas are easy to profess but harder to really animate when the rubber hits the road. Like, whenever I’m counting on a certain amount of income and a client says, “Let’s forget about it,” my faith in “God knows what he’s doing” starts to falter.

As if God’s primary concern were my bank account.

Another thing I claim to believe is that God works in mysterious ways. To me this means that–really–none of us know why anything happens or doesn’t happen. In terms of my plans changing last night, it could be that had I driven out of town, I would have hit a deer (or worse). Or I could have had such a miserable time that the money wouldn’t have been worth it. (As it was, I had a delightful evening.) Caroline Myss says that when you pray for things, you don’t get to tell God how to answer you. Well, I’ve asked for a body that feels as good as possible as well as for healthy relationships, and it’s possible my going out of town last night would have been out of alignment with those requests.

This must be a lesson the universe really wants me to get, since this afternoon I drove all the way to Fort Smith for an appointment only to find out that it too was cancelled. (The person whom I was meeting had sent me a message that they were sick, but I didn’t get it because my phone network was down.) Anyway, it was forty-five minutes of my day that felt completely wasted and unproductive. Again, part of me was like, This blows. But most of me was like, We are not going to complain. We’re alive and well and have been given an opportunity to relax–to NOT be productive. We are going to be grateful. And it was that simple. I wouldn’t let myself throw a fit.

My advice–don’t let yourself throw a fit.

Tonight I went to a swing dance at the studio where I tore my ACL this last December. This was my first time back since the accident. When I was getting ready I actually thought about wearing the same (slightly oversized) shoes I was wearing when the accident happened, like, I’ll show you, slippery floor, but decided against it. Instead, I wore shoes that hug my feet and have stickier bottoms. And guess what? I didn’t hurt myself.

Of course, I didn’t attempt to jump over anyone’s head either.

Y’all, dancing tonight was the best thing. I saw and danced with several people I know and, in the process, got in some serious cardio. By the time the night was over, I was sopping wet.

Here’s a video (taken by my friend Sydnie) of my friend Renee and me Lindy Hopping to Caro Emerald’s Completely.

 

Wow. So much has happened since the last time I was dancing on that floor. I remember the night of the accident. I couldn’t get out the front doors by myself. Someone had to support me. There are times when I get frustrated because my knee and I can’t do everything we used to, but–really–it’s a miracle that we’re dancing at all. Also, I keep calling it an accident, but another idea I claim to believe is that there are no accidents. In other words, at least in my best moments, I believe that my injuring my leg, on some level, needed (knee-dead) to happen. I can’t say why–that’s above my pay grade–but I do know the whole experience has given me more compassion, patience, and understanding for both myself and others, and that’s enough for me.

The way I see it, if you say you believe something, at some point you’ve got to start acting like it. “Acting like it,” indeed, is an accurate way of describing what you’ll be doing at first. That is, until you get the hang of it, you won’t feel patient or understanding when someone cancels on you, or when something terrible happens. My therapist says, “Fake it until you make it.” Now, I don’t know that any of us ever “make it.” I doubt it will ever become fun for life to throw you a curve ball. But I do think it gets easier to accept what is (gracefully) if you can slow down and remind yourself that even frustrating or “terrible” things can contribute to your growth.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

Growth and getting far in life have nothing to do with where you’re physically standing.

"

Things Can Turn on a Dime (Blog #901)

Leave a comment

Okay. I’ve been on a diet for twenty-four hours and my thighs still rub together when I walk. What the actual hell? If only deciding to take care of yourself produced immediate results. Alas, this is not the instant gratification station. This is the work hard, be consistent, make good choices station. This is the chocolate cake makes your ass bigger not smaller channel. This is planet earth.

I know. I hate it too.

I’m grousing, but the changes I’ve made in the last twenty-four hours truly haven’t sucked. Last night before blogging I went to the grocery store for snacks, fruits, vegetables, and protein, then went to the gym with my dad after. “Are we going to do this every night?” he said.

“What about every other night?” I replied.

Every other night seems like a reasonable goal, one I could achieve instead of overachieve. What’s the saying? Set yourself up for success.

Today I’ve eaten three reasonable meals–no bread, no refined sugar, no alcohol. After each meal I felt full but not stuffed. What’s this feeling of non-expansion? I thought. In terms of exercise, this morning I mowed a lawn. Tonight I went for a twenty-minute walk. And whereas I used to think a walk didn’t count unless it was at least an hour and uphill all the way, tonight I thought, Twenty minutes is twenty minutes. I mean, I broke a sweat.

What’s nice about all the changes I’m making this week–and I admit they’re a bit “all at once”–is that none of them are new. Like, I’ve eaten mostly paleo before, I’ve been a gym rat before, and I’ve gone on walks before. This means that with little resistance I can slip into these routines like an old shoe. The part of my mind that loves carbs kicks up a bit of a fuss, of course, but most of me is like, Oh yeah, we know how to do this.

All this being said, the one thing I’m doing that I haven’t done before is intermittent fasting, which basically amounts to not eating between 8 PM and noon the next day. Eat however many meals you want (within reason) between noon and eight, but then zip your lips for sixteen hours. The idea (behind any type of fast) is that it not only gives your body a break (because digestion takes a lot of work), but it also allows your body to burn fat for fuel instead of all that pizza and ice cream you’ve been chunking down your throat. (Or is that just me?) Anyway, a friend of mine has been raving about it–they’ve lost fifteen pounds in the last six to eight weeks–so I figured, What the hell? I’ll give it a shot.

Now, I realize I’ve only been at this one day, but so far I like it. Sure, last night was rough. Two hours after having a smoothie at 7:30, I was starving. I went to bed hungry. Boo-hoo. But I told myself, If I’m starving in the morning, I’ll eat. Surely a little fast is better than no fast at all. But get this shit. When I woke up at nine this morning, I was fine. Not really hungry at all. So I skipped breakfast and went to work. Well, I had a cup of hot tea (non-caloric beverages are allowed.) Y’all, I mowed and weedeated in the hot sun for two hours and was fine. What’s more, I actually had an excess of energy (an excess of fat, boo-hoo). Now, was I READY to eat when the clock struck twelve? You bet your sweet bippy. But in my head I’d made it out to be this awful thing–I can’t eat for 16 hours, somebody get me a cross to hang on!–and yet it wasn’t awful at all. It simply wasn’t.

When I got home from mowing today I took my shoes off and banged them together to shake off the grass and dirt. As I did, I noticed a small rock–a large pebble–dislodged itself from the grooves in one of my shoes and landed in my parents’ flowerbed. And maybe this is weird, but I thought about that rock as if it were a teeny-tiny person. Like, it’d probably been hanging out in Fort Smith in my client’s driveway for years, and then all of a sudden got swooped up and transported to Van Buren. Just like that.

Along the same lines, get this. This evening I taught a dance lesson to a couple about to be married. The guy was born in another country, came to the United States, bounced around a bit, and finally met his fiancee up north. Then he got a job down here, and kind of like my shoe picked up that rock and brought it across the Arkansas River, he picked up his fiancee and brought her here too. Through a strange series of events, they ended up on my dance floor. After all these years, we finally met.

I really am astounded by this. How a rock or a person can hang out in one mental, emotional, or physical place and then–bam, like that–be transported to another. Is there work involved? Of course. There’s always work involved. In terms of bodily transformations, you gotta do shit. God’s not gonna strike you skinny. (Although, I guess, you could get one of those awful stomach viruses). In terms of personal growth, you gotta do shit. (My suggestion: see a therapist.) But my point is that at some point there’s a tipping point. (That’s a lot of points, I know.) This is why people say things can turn on a dime. Sooner or later, your hard work, your patience, pays off. Sooner or later, you see results.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

We always have more support than we realize.

"

On Perseverance (Blog #875)

Leave a comment

This morning without meaning to I drove through a no-car zone near a local school. As soon as it happened, I was like, Oh crap, I’m not supposed to be here, but it was too late. I WAS already “here,” both on the planet and in the no-car zone, so I kept going. Naturally, my inner rule-follower felt bad enough, but then one of the recess teachers gave me the evil eye as I made my way back to where I was supposed to be. I thought about it all afternoon. Like, I’M SORRY, MISTER. IT WAS A MISTAKE. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES!

Other than being a schoolyard rebel, I spent today painting. Earlier this week I started transforming a turquoise room at a friend’s house into a white room, and today, after over six hours of work, I finished. Here’s the before picture. Well, I’d already primed the ceiling, which was brown.

Here’s the after picture. Look at all that glorious white. I think the space could pass as God’s waiting room. If only the floor were gold. And there were floor-length purple drapes, of course.

This evening, in addition to starting a house-sitting gig, I spent over three hours working on my mom’s tablet. First I helped her sign up for a rewards club (she’s actually done it correctly, but since they didn’t confirm by email, I went ahead and did it again), then I worked getting all her pictures to display properly in her gallery (because they weren’t). For months, certain downloaded photos have shown as black or blank on her tablet, although the files themselves have always been fine. You could move them to another device and view them no problem. Well, everything the internet suggested didn’t work, and it suggested a lot. While going through all the possible solutions, I actually caused more problems. Finally, not only did I fix those, but I fixed the original problem as well. One app had to have its updates REMOVED, and ANOTHER app had to BE updated.

Sheesh. Technology.

By the time this ordeal was over, I was ready to spit nails. Then my dad asked me to change a lightbulb, and I tried three bulbs I found sitting around before one of them worked. In the process, I broke a perfectly good bulb. Shit, I said. It didn’t help that I was hungry.

Things are worse when you’re hungry.

Now it’s 2:15 in the morning, and I’m bound and determined to finish this in 500 words or less and go to bed. Earlier, after working on my mom’s device, I noticed I was in a tizzy. I really wanted to get that problem sorted out, and yet I was hungry, and yet I hadn’t blogged yet. So I got stressed. Finally, after grabbing a burrito (okay, two) and settling down, I took my mind off what was stressful about today and smiled–because I accomplished things. The day didn’t suck. I painted a room, I fixed a tablet. I persevered.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

Nothing was made to last forever.

"

Reverse, NEUTRAL, Drive (Blog #859)

Leave a comment

Two nights ago I threw up everything I’d eaten for the previous week. It was nasty. Thankfully, I haven’t thrown up since. I have, however, been dragging ass. Yesterday I spent all day in bed. Today, by the grace of God, I only spent half the day in bed. My energy is noticeably better–I took a shower today!–but it’s still not fabulous. This evening I taught a dance lesson and thought, I think I’m perking up, then I came home and promptly merged my ass with the couch. Ugh. You just can’t heal any faster than you do.

Ain’t that the truth, Ruth?

Normally when I’m sick I’m pretty impatient. I want to heal NOW. And whereas, of course, I’d like to feel better on the lickety-split, I’ve noticed this time around that I’ve been able to let things unfold at their own pace. I keep thinking of how for two hours Sunday night I felt nauseated and then how–all of a sudden–I was on the bathroom floor vomiting. It was so fast, so violent. My point is that my body was clearly ON IT, working swiftly to remove whatever was bothering us. Y’all, I’ve given my body a lot of crap over the years, and yet right there on the cold tile I had all this proof that my body was on my side. Clearly my immune system is like one of those muscle-y bouncers at da club. It’s ready to throw any offending party out on its rear.

Like, get the hell out. And stay out.

Now, do I wish that I’d thrown up Sunday night and felt better immediately? Of course. But in truth, I have felt better–progressively better. And when you consider that my body was just poisoned or otherwise invaded–and that in throwing out the bad guys my stomach also had to throw out some good guys–it makes sense that it would take a few days for things to regain their balance. Even if it takes a week, what’s the big deal? Few things in life can’t wait a week.

This perspective, that my body is actually on my side and constantly working to help me, helps make the healing process more bearable. Recently I heard that when things aren’t going well in your life, it may be because you’re in a time of transition. When I’m teaching dance I often compare a series of three steps to “reverse, neutral, and drive,” meaning the first step goes back, the second step stays in place, and the third step goes forward. My point in teaching it this way is to emphasize that each step is important–even the neutral one that doesn’t “go” anywhere. Anyway, lately I’ve been thinking about how important the neutral phases in our lives are.

I’ll explain.

A while back I had a confrontation that wasn’t fun for me. And although it wasn’t fun, it felt good to not bite my tongue. It felt good to be honest and let the chips fall where they may, where they needed to. When I discussed this confrontation with my therapist she said, “I imagine there will come a day when you’ll be negotiating a business deal, and this skill of speaking your truth and standing your ground will come in handy. So just think of this as practice.”

I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of this advice, the idea that although my current circumstances aren’t glamorous, they may be preparing me for something better down the line. Lately I’ve been reminded of the adage, “If you want the things in your life to change, you have to be willing to change the things in you life.” To me this means that if you want your life to be different, YOU have to be willing to be different. Of course, like healing, personal change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something that comes in stages. The future you is something you grow into a little bit here, a little bit there.

Recently I blogged about changing patterns, and this is basically what I’m talking about tonight. Applied to my example about confronting someone, you could say that I USED to have a pattern of letting myself be walked on like a door mat (reverse), but that for the last few years I’ve been 1) letting that pattern die out and 2) letting a new pattern develop–speaking up for my damn self (neutral)–so that I’ll be better able to navigate the rest of my life (forward). Y’all, my therapist is probably the most outspoken and confrontational person I know, but she says she used to be quiet as a church mouse. Well, shit, she didn’t just wake up loud and boisterous one day. She had to work at it. She too had to go through a neutral phase.

More and more, I’m appreciating the neutral phase, the transitional phase, the healing phase. I think when you realize there’s a point to it, it’s easier to sit with, patiently. When you remodel and redecorate a room, you have to let the paint dry before you hang the curtains. Otherwise you’ll have a damn mess. Likewise, when you want an entirely different life, you have to let your old one (your old patterns) dry up first. I mean, what would happen if you were a people pleaser and all of a sudden inherited a bunch of money? That’s right–goodbye money. Why? Because your pocketbook changed but YOU didn’t. So if it feels like you’re stuck and not going anywhere–good. Chances are you’re being given a chance to change, to learn something new, to heal. Take heart. Be patient. Your time is coming.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

We follow the mystery, never knowing what’s next.

"

Slow Down, Sweetheart (Blog #853)

Leave a comment

This morning I saw my therapist and used part of our session to express my gratitude for several good things that have happened lately–for work or help that’s shown up at just the right moment. Often with my therapist (or on this blog) I process my fears about there not being enough or my frustrations with life in general, so I think it’s important to stop now and then and recognize where there’s more than enough and where things are working just fine. In other words, those places where I’ve–somehow–managed to get on the same page as life itself.

Because we always have more than enough, and things are always working just fine.

I know it doesn’t always feel like this. Feel free to punch me in the butt if you want to.

My therapist and I also discussed how many of the historical things I wanted to work out that didn’t have actually turned out to be positive. (Surprise.) For example, after I closed my dance studio and had my estate sale, I wanted to move to Austin. I said as much, and–as a result–some people still think I’m there. Or just moved back. Even though I never went. Plus, I can see now that the timing simply wasn’t right. For one thing, staying here gave me the opportunity to start this blog, get some health issues sorted out, and not have to worry about paying an astronomical amount in rent. It’s also given me time to better get to know and heal some things with my parents. This is huge.

Later I told my therapist some of the specific goals I’d like to accomplish in the near future (like living in a pain-free body), and she said they all seemed reasonable. Then we discussed some synchronicities that have happened regarding these goals. For example, I recently switched chiropractors because I ran out of insurance-paid chiropractor visits, a fact that initially distressed me. But then my new guy turned out to be a dream, and I can see now that I simply needed a nudge to get there. I had, by the way, just asked the universe to help me get a pain-free body. (Note–when asking the universe for help, you don’t get to decide HOW it answers you.) My therapist said, “The universe is listening. I know the answers and resolutions aren’t coming as fast as you want them to, but they aren’t coming fast for any of us.”

Preach, lady.

This afternoon I read a book about headaches, which is one of the things I’m working on healing. I have this tension in my neck that comes and goes and can really keep me on edge. Anyway, the book said that often people with tension headaches are go, go, goers–people who don’t slow down and put a lot of pressure on themselves. Uh, guilty. So I’ve been thinking I could really make an effort (no pressure, Marcus!) to chill the eff out. You know, now and then. So, starting today, I’m trying.

Here’s how.

You can’t run on empty forever.

When I finished the headache book, instead of starting another book like I normally do, I quit reading altogether. Then I ran a couple errands, one of which was–finally–getting a new battery for my cell phone. My old battery hasn’t been holding a charge well for months. I’ve talked before about seeing life symbolically, so to me this message is clear–you can’t run on empty forever. Anyway, then I had coffee with a friend. Now I’m home, it’s 8:30 in the evening, and I’m working to finish this blog so I can take the rest of the night off–meaning I’m not going to read or watch anything educational. Instead, I’m going to watch a movie–probably a rom-com–then get some sleep. My new mantra is–Slow down, Sweetheart. The universe isn’t in a damn hurry, why should you be?

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

Stop buying your own bullshit.

"

On Endurance (Blog #835)

Leave a comment

It’s Saturday, and this morning, again, I woke up with sinus junk. This has been going on for two weeks now. Color me not amused. That being said, since I haven’t been every-day sick for the last two weeks, I know my body is trying. Indeed, some days I’ve woken up and felt almost normal (whatever that is). So I continue to ingest different probiotics and fermented foods (kimchi) in hopes that I’ll once again find the magic formula that literally clears things up. But in the meantime and for the record, this back-and-forth isn’t fun for me. Pick a lane, body!

The feeling-fine lane, that is.

In an effort to be productive, this afternoon I attempted to install a utility sink at a friend’s art studio. I say attempted because before I could make much progress, I knocked over an open quart of pink paint and made an absolute mess. As if that weren’t enough, I didn’t notice the mess until I stepped in it and nearly went into the splits as one of my legs went one direction and the other went the other. Color me terrified. All I could think about was my recently operated-on knee. Praise the lord, I was fine. And after about thirty minutes of cleaning up paint, so was (most of) the floor.

Here’s a picture of the spot where I almost became a unich.

Curse words were said.

Here’s a before picture of the sink installation. I guess a cabinet used to be there but was ripped out. The tank is the hot water heater.

Thankfully, getting the sink assembled and connected went fine. I often get overwhelmed by projects like this because no two jobs are ever the same, but it was just a matter of going step-by-step. Now, granted, the box the sink came in said, “Everything you need is included!” but the instructions on the inside of the box said, “Anchor the sink to the floor with concrete bolts (NOT INCLUDED).” So that sucked. Plus, I had to go to the hardware store to get a longer supply line, since I turned the sink sideways and one of the lines wouldn’t reach. But whatever, we figure things out.

Here’s the final product.

At one point while working today, I noticed a blob of pink paint on my leg, a spot I’d missed earlier. Getting up off the floor and making my way to the bathroom sink, everything hurt–my head, my back, my ankle. And not that these things individually were unbearable, but on top of my sinus infection and a number of other life problems I’m facing at the moment, it was all too much. Mostly because I really have been working hard lately (these last few years) to be healthy and get some of this stuff figured out. And I really do believe the body is capable of healing itself. My general take on the body, healing, and even life itself is, “Everything you need is included!” And yet some days it feels like I’m missing something, like I’m doing something wrong.

You can do this.

There’s an idea that a big part of the spiritual journey is learning endurance. I think about this a lot, that before I was born I probably made the mistake of asking the gods for patience, maybe even compassion for those who suffer. I say mistake because there’s only one way to learn these things. You have to be continually frustrated. You have to go through hell and survive. Only then can your character truly be refined or changed. Only then can you learn to surrender, learn to trust. Only then can you look at someone else who’s suffering and honestly say, “Sweetheart, I know this sucks, but you can do this.”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

Freedom lies on the other side of everything you're afraid of.

"

Persistence, Persistence Ever (Blog #830)

Leave a comment

I spent this last weekend out-of-town and sick with a sinus infection. Since I’d left my probiotics (which usually help my sinuses) at home, Friday afternoon I went to a local Asian market (called Grace, which I thought was auspicious) and bought some homemade kimchi. (Kimchi sometimes, not always, contains the probiotic that helps my sinus infections.) Then, because I like the shotgun approach to healing, that night I went to a health food store and bought more kimchi (a retail brand), as well as regular probiotics.

Unfortunately, none of this helped. I woke up Saturday sicker than I was Friday. So that morning I went to another Asian market (called Lucky, which I hoped I would be) and bought more kimchi, this time a brand I’ve had good results with back home. Alas, after using that kimchi all day Saturday, I woke up Sunday (yesterday) still stick.

Talk about frustrating.

About ready to give up and be sick, I decided to try again. So off I went to another Asian market. This one had an unremarkable name, but it did, however, have a case of coconut water labeled CoCo (my nickname on this site) sitting right at the front door. Maybe it’s a sign, I thought. Anyway, I bought MORE kimchi, this time a brand that prints the production date on their labels. (The helpful probiotic in kimchi is only alive for so long after production, which is why using kimchi to help your sinuses is sort of a crap shoot based on brand, ingredients, and the age of the product.)

THANKFULLY, this bottle seemed to do the trick. Last night my friend Matt and I went swing dancing, and mid-way through the dance I started feeling like myself again–more energetic, less blah. Y’all, I really had the best time. This was my first occasion Lindy Hopping since my knee injury seven months ago, and I was in absolute heaven. Not only did I get to see some old friends, but I got to Lindy Hop. I love Lindy Hopping. Now–granted–my left knee didn’t perform like it used to, but it didn’t “act up” and it didn’t cause me any pain either. So it’s just going to be a process–a process of learning how to dance again.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 to drive back home, go to therapy, and run some errands. Then I unpacked, took a nap, and spent five hours reading a book I picked up this afternoon (The Call of the Phoenix) while running around. Now I’m trying to knock out tonight’s blog so I can go back to bed because I’m getting up early tomorrow for my six-month follow up with my knee surgeon. Talk about a journey. I know I still have progress to make, but I really have come a long way.

The word on my mind today is persistence. The book I read tonight said, “Persistence, persistence ever.” This weekend I bought four jars of kimchi and one bottle of probiotics in an attempt to cure my sinus infection. That’s four grocery stores and forty to fifty bucks, which to my mind is better than going to the doctor and using antibiotics, but the whole ordeal was nonetheless a pain the ass. Sinus infections are a pain in MY ass. But boy am I sure glad I persisted and went looking for that fourth jar. Still, for all I know, I could wake up sick tomorrow and be back to the drawing board. But in my experience, this is life. We dance. We fall down. However slowly, we get back up. We insist on dancing again.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Kindness is never a small thing."

We Could Use a Little Help Here (Blog #828)

Leave a comment

Well gross. I’m out-of-town for the wedding of some dance students and woke up sick morning. Sinus crap. I’ve been fighting it all week. I thought I was on top of it, but it appears to be on top of me. I hate that. Anyway, it’s 11:30 in the morning, and despite the fact that I haven’t left the place where I’m staying or done anything today, I’m blogging now because–come hell or high water–I’m attending that wedding this evening and don’t want to force my body to stay up late in order to blog. This is what I’ve realized, that even though I can’t immediately solve my sinus infection problem, I can do little things to support my body and decrease how much we suffer from it.

Down with suffering.

I said I haven’t done anything today, but that’s not exactly true. That’s never exactly true. Even if you lie in bed and snore all day, that’s SOMETHING. Well, after I got up an hour and a half ago, I ate breakfast (a protein bar and fruit), then read about thirty pages in a book I recently started about headaches. Today I learned that tension headaches (which I have) can be triggered by stress, anxiety (defined as fear without an object), and depression, as well as certain foods (often nitrate-containing) or liquids (alcohol, caffeine, or the withdrawal of caffeine).

The book said that for those of us who experience tension headaches it’s important to remove triggers. Granted, if your job is stressful, you may not be able to remove your job (or punch your boss in the face), but you can work at how you respond to your job or boss. For example, you could go for a walk or try meditation. Serenity now! For Type A personalities, the book suggested scheduling in time to relax. Like, make yourself shut off your phone, lie down, and stare at the ceiling fan. Or listen to the birds chirping. Or pet your dog or cat.

Another suggestion was to tense your major muscle groups (biceps, calves, quads, butt, back, shoulders, and neck) one-by-one and then relax them. The idea being that–if you do this enough–they get the message that if and when they get tense, the next thing they should do is relax. This theory made sense to me, so I tried it. (I let go a little. It was nice.) Once I heard someone say that just like you speak English (or whatever), your muscles speak a language too, a language they’ve been taught. So if your body is constantly tensed and stressed and you want it to behave or feel differently, you have to teach it how. You have to teach it a new language. You have to take time to say, Sweetheart, there’s nothing to worry about. You can let your guard down now.

I’m working on all of this, although it’s often overwhelming to think about and do when I’m sick. That is, when I feel like crap from a sinus infection AND have a headache (or even just tight muscles), I want to throw in the towel. More than that, I want to yell and scream at my body, Get yourself together. I get so impatient with myself. And yet when I don’t feel well, this is exactly the time that patience for myself is needed–because my body is clearly communicating that it’s had enough of the push, push, pushing, and the go, go, going. It’s clearly saying, We could use a little help here. We could use a little understanding.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

When the universe speaks—listen.

"

On False Emergencies (Blog #827)

Leave a comment

Last night I hung out with several friends for the Fourth of July. I snapped the above picture of me, my friend Kate, and her son at the party–because all three of us had holiday-inspired shirts on. (No one else did. Lame.) Mine said, “Tastes Like Freedom,” Kate’s said, “Firewerks,” and Kate’s son’s said, “I’m here for the hot dogs.” (Me too, kid, me too.) Anyway, we had a blast (get it, a blast?), but I didn’t get home and crawl in bed until after midnight. And whereas going to bed late isn’t unusual for me, since I also had to get up early this morning to go out-of-town for a wedding, I’ve been dragging ass all day.

The dragging ass part may have to do with my sinuses. Last Sunday I woke up with an infection but ended up kicking it in the butt earlier this week thanks to my adventures in probiotics (that is, sniffing probiotics up my nose). Really, I felt so much better mid-week. Still, I may not have completely turned the corner, since my energy has been low today and I’ve been a little snotty. I’m trying not to worry about it. Things could be worse, I keep telling myself. It’s not the end of the world. Nonetheless, since I don’t travel with my (refrigerated) probiotics, I hit the health food stores this afternoon to buy more supplies. Just to be safe.

We’ll see what happens. Only time will tell.

Other than the probiotics run, I’ve spent most of my out-of-town day going to bookstores. Believe it or not, I only bought one book–about gargoyles. I started to pick up a couple others, but searched the internet and found out I could read them for free through an online library I’m a member of. This is one way I’ve learned to save both money, physical space (in my room), and time (dusting)–using libraries. What a miracle! That being said, I’m currently maxed out the number of books I can check out online, and there’s all this pressure for me to read my butt off this next week so I can return the books completely read. This pressure, of course, is self-induced and what I call a False Emergency. Because the truth is nobody gives a damn if I read those books or not. The earth will keep spinning no matter what I do.

Speaking of False Emergencies, let’s talk about the couple who’s getting married tomorrow. They’re the ones who have been taking dance from me for a while, learning a routine. This evening we met for their final lesson before tomorrow’s performance. And whereas they got all parts of the routine “down,” they didn’t get them all down at at once (in one run-through). Granted, they’ve come a LONG way since they started a few months ago, and they look good. But, like I told them tonight, routines are inherently a funny thing–sometimes you nail them and sometimes you screw them up. Who’s to say what’s going to happen tomorrow? Anyway, that’s my point–I could worry about it, they could worry about it–but regardless, whatever will be, will be.

So don’t worry, be happy right here, right now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"

No emotion is ever truly buried.

"