These Hundreds of Thousands of Words (Blog #1094)

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Phew. All day I’ve been tired, sad. And whereas I could blame lack of sleep and a number of other things, the fact is I’ve already begun to grieve the loss of this blog. Including tonight, I only have three more posts to go. I don’t know. It’s weird. Just like when a person dies you go through all those stages–denial, anger, grief, acceptance, bargaining–I’m going through those with this. Denial because, has it really been three years? Anger because of what hasn’t happened, hopes and expectations that haven’t been met. Ugh. All the feelings. The good news being that, so much more than three years ago, I’m open to all the feelings and what they have to teach me. Sweetheart, letting go is never easy.

At times throughout this process I’ve imagined that I’d, I guess, somehow be perfectly healed, or just perfect, on the other side of this thing. And that one of my final posts would be like, here’s how I did it. And how you can too for three easy payments of $127. Alas, if anyone ever pitches you such a deal, run don’t walk away. Because the fact is that no matter what a person learns, they are always and forever still growing. Still a work in progress. As much as people like me may hate it, there is no perfect to get to. If it does exist, perfection is like the casserole I made for dinner tonight. A little bit of everything. One big delicious mess.

With cheese.

This being said, I would like to take this blog as an opportunity to “sum up” what I’ve learned or how I’ve grown as a direct result of this project. My idea being that, although I despise numbered lists and bulleted sub-headings, I’ll go through my blog “categories” one by one and write a few sentences or paragraphs about each one. As these categories became self-evident early on and new ones haven’t been added in maybe a year and a half, I’ve come to see them as themes, or what this time in my life has been all about. The lessons I’ve been learning and doing my best to embody.

So here we go. I’m just going to shoot from the hip. And I’ll try to be brief. (Yeah right, Marcus.)

1. Abundance

Ugh. Does this have to be the first one? This has been a toughy for me, since, as a result of my traumas, I grew up believing that if you love something, just wait, it’ll be taken away from you. And yet my therapist, who has a real hard on for abundance, has shoved it down my throat. Yes, things leave, but other things come around. Thankfully, I have made progress. For one thing, money isn’t terrifying to me anymore. Even though I don’t have much of it. Although now I imagine if I did I wouldn’t be scared of it. It’s just paper. The most important thing being, however, that I really do believe deep down that I’ve been given an abundance of talent, love, help, knowledge, wisdom, and resources (both internal and external) with which to make my way through life. Creatively, I’ve been given an abundance of ideas. This is what counts. I know it’s rough when your bank account is strapped, but don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

2. Affirmations

A lot of self-help books are huge on affirmations, looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m beautiful, rich, and forgiving.” Or whatever. And whereas I’ve tried this shit more times than I care to admit, it hasn’t been what’s worked for me. Instead, the affirmations that have turned my life around, rather than being forced into me, have come out of me. That’s what this blog has been about. Sweetheart, be patient. I’m here for you. So if you like the idea of affirmations, go for it. But don’t open a book to find them. Open your heart.

3. Archetypes and Personalities

More and more I see the world through the lenses of “we’re all different” and “we’re all the same.” And whereas I don’t subscribe to one particular personality system, it’s helped me to be able to label people with archetypes (diva, drama queen, addict, pimp), since it allows me to get impersonal about their behavior. Or even mine. (Of course I’m worried about my outfit; I’m an artist!) Additionally, the more personality systems I study, the more I realize that every archetype and personality type is not only neutral (although it can be animated positively or negatively), but also necessary. God knows we don’t need everyone to an anal-retentive control freak. But God also knows the world would be a much sloppier place without those of us who are. (Wash your damn hands.)

4. Authenticity

This is a buzz word these days, and one my therapist actually dislikes because it’s so “hip.” To me it equates to being honest, even and especially if that honesty looks like anger, sadness, or confusion. You know, the emotions we hide behind our masks. Alas, it doesn’t seem to be something we can achieve every minute of every day (certain niceties are required in a polite society), but it is something we can strive toward. Being real. Being ourselves. My only other thought about it is that I’ve often been as surprised as anyone else when I’ve been able to be assertive or–here’s another word my therapist hates–vulnerable. Like when I cry in public or admit my faults (which, I agree with my therapist, isn’t being vulnerable, it’s being honest). Meaning we often don’t know what our authentic selves look like until they reveal themselves to us.

5. Balance

Is required and looks different for everyone. How do you know you’re out of balance in any area of your life? Your body will tell you. Learn to listen to its subtle and not-so-subtle messages. Additionally, pay attention to your relationships. If they’re full of drama, contention, or anything but an underlying peace, something is out of whack. Chances are you’ll never be able to hold the center point forever, so just keep your eyes on the middle. The rest will take care of itself.

6. Boundaries

My therapist calls boundaries the Holy Grail of personal growth. And whereas I used to think I had them, I realized I didn’t. Pro tip: if you can’t say no or if you tell the most personal details of your life to complete strangers (or vice versa), you don’t either. So get some. Learn to not only say no, but hell no. Figure out what you’re worth and don’t settle for less. Get in touch with your soul, do whatever it says, and never, under any circumstances, sell it. For one thing, it’s not yours to sell. For another, you’ll always regret it. How do you do these things? By learning to say no, hell no. And don’t worry if you “mess up.” Life will, without a doubt, give you another opportunity to excel. As with all things, having good boundaries is a process.

7. Coco’s Favorites

These blogs are my personal favorites. Many are already tagged as such, but I’ll be adding others as I work my way through reading all my old posts.

8. Creativity

People say they’re not creative, but I’m convinced we all are, even if it’s just in the way we make up a story about how we’re not creative, or what someone did that ruined our lives, or how awful things are (when they’re really not). Of course, creativity is better expressed through writing, dancing, knitting, planting, decorating, or whatever, and I’m certain our souls MUST, somehow, expand themselves through creating. So first stop and notice WHAT you’re creating (dinner, drama, dissent), then think about what you’d LIKE to be creating (an encouraging environment, a business, a hilarious blog). Then CHOOSE something different.

9. Dancing

Is good for a hundred reasons. Do it. Even if you don’t like it, consider that you were made to move. Some way, somehow. Your very heart BEATS. Tune into the rhythm of your life. If you ARE willing to give dancing a try, remember what my mentor Maggie tells her students. “Let dancing love you.” If not dancing, then let something, someone. Please, open your heart.

10. Dream Interpretation

I wish I were a master at this or had some of the experiences the people who write all those books about dreams do. Lucid dreaming, predicting the future, and whatnot. I don’t know, my therapist says I have the “most auspicious dreams,” so maybe it’s just easy to think someone else’s life is better or more fabulous than yours. Regardless, I do believe our subconscious/inner wisdom speaks to us a thousand different ways. Through dreams, synchronicities, hunches, bodily sensations, feelings, emotions, and even thoughts. So it’s whatever floats your boat, whatever you’re willing to listen to. Just know that it’s not all as random as it seems. Know that you can trust yourself. You’re wiser than you realize.

11. Emotions

Are not something you primarily think about. They’re something you primarily feel. Also, I hate to break it to you, they’re not something that go away when you shove them down. Like, they just hang out in the shadows. In your shadow. And whereas I wish I had a surefire way for coaxing them out, I’ve learned they come up when they’re ready. The best thing we can do is to listen. Be curious. Love, or at least make space for, whatever arises. Including frustration, anger, grief, sadness, and anything else that gives you snot bubbles. Because that’s your inner wisdom talking. For example, anger often means “get some damn boundaries.” (See above.)

12. Encouragement

Whatever you’re going through, I promise you’re not alone. Yes, your situation is unique to you and is your cross to bear, but it’s not the first time it’s ever happened. In Alcoholics Anonymous they say, “You’re only as sick as you are isolated.” Meaning that a burden is automatically lifted when you stop trying to carry it yourself. So please know that people love you and are rooting for you. Granted, they don’t always know what to say, but I guarantee there are people who would take a bullet for you in a heartbeat. People who will cry at your funeral and feel that something important, something they liked, is missing from their lives when you’re gone.

13. Facebook Live

This is where I’ve put the few live videos I’ve done and where I’ve read, out loud, other stories I’ve written. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll do at least one more when this is over.

14. Gratitude

Is often something those self-help books try to force. Don’t worry, be happy. Alas, I’ve found that gratitude, like an affirmation, works best when it springs naturally from the heart. A humbling voice, it says, “Sweetheart, you have everything you could ever need and more.” What’s more, I’m convinced this voice is always there, available even when we are most down. It says, “Life sucks, but we’ve been given this breath, and with this breath we will make it to our next. Or make it home.” So again, listen to your heart. (Not your head.)

15. Growing Up

Involves letting go of the need to blame, being your own parent most of the time, taking responsibility for your life and choices, and sucks. But is absolutely necessary. Also, it’s natural. Stop fighting it.

16. Hope

As stated in The Shawshank Redemption, “is a good thing, maybe the best of things.” So please, please, please allow as much room as is humanly or even divinely possible that even your most challenging circumstance can turn around for the better. On a dime if heaven so sees fit. Along these lines, pray for miracles and expect them to show up.

17. Improv Comedy

Is worth trying or at least taking note of. Because, like life, it requires that you think on your feet, play well with others, and not look back. Audiences may not be forgiving, but improv teaches you to be. So what if the show didn’t go well? It’s over. (Everything in your life is over.) Why is this a good thing? Because now we can play another game.

18. Letting Go

Is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Because we like what we like and we want it last. Our relationships, our stuff, our identities, our stories and judgments about ourselves and others. Our blogs. But nothing lasts. We don’t get to keep a thing. So work on enjoying whatever it is while it’s here, then letting it go. The way the sun sets, the way a storm ceases. With grace.

19. Myths and Fairy Tales

Aren’t just cute little stories. Rather, within them are embedded the mysteries of life, our personalities, and our struggles. Best thing I ever heard on this topic was that your three favorite movies reveal the path your life is on, and I believe this more and more. Recently through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) I realized one of my favorite movie characters (for almost twenty years now) was not only hung up on integrity (like I am) but was also embarrassed by his station in life (like I used to be). The idea being that you’re drawn to these characters and their stories for a reason. Your inner wisdom is nudging you forward, giving you a template for what’s possible. Be willing to take the trip.

20. Patience

Is almost harder than letting go. But is one of the most useful traits you could ever hope to develop. Because although the universe is capable of turning on a dime, it rarely does. What’s more, it rarely does what you want it to, when you want it to. Pro tip: the less you insist on having everything your way, the more patient you’ll be. So, in the words of Nancy Byrd Turner, “learn to labor and to wait.” Give yourself the gift of time. To grow. To heal. Nature does not proceed in leaps, and neither do we.

21. Perspective

If I could give everyone one gift, it would be the gift of perspective, the gift of being able to perceive whatever it is thats bothering you (including yourself) in a different way. Alas, since I can’t, go see a therapist. This is what they get paid for. But seriously, what if you could put on a pair of mystical glasses that allowed you to see everything in your life, even the rotten stuff, as heaven’s gift to you? What if you could turn your viewpoint upside down and really see that there’s nothing in your life by accident and that–if it’s there–it’s there for a reason? To challenge you, to grow you, to change you, and maybe even the world, for the better? What if you could look at the mountain you’re facing and, rather than asking God to remove it, absolutely know you were meant to climb it? And then put your boots on. This is my encouragement. Pick up a book, go to church, or bang your head against the wall, not until your circumstances shift, but until your perspective does. Because that’s when you will.

22. Relationships

Seems to be the medium through which everything happens. The bullshit, the learning, and the healing. So look alive. Like or not, no one is alone. We’re all in this together.

23. Self-Acceptance

Means coming to love yourself warts and all, not putting up such a damn front, and being gentle with yourself and others. It means accepting every part of you–even the ugly, angry, and sad parts. The weird thing? The more you accept yourself exactly as you are, the more you accept others and the world exactly as they are. And vice versa. This is why Jesus said don’t judge. Because that which you hold against someone else, sooner or later, you’ll hold against yourself. But as you accept That Which Is Unacceptable in yourself or another, That Which Is Unacceptable becomes your teacher. All parts come bearing gifts. Hold out your hands.

24. Spiritual Practice

Looks different for everyone but is something I’m convinced we all long for and participate in somehow. Maybe one person does it in the kitchen, the way they lovingly prepare the perfect meal to feed their family. Maybe another does it in a chapel. I grew up as a Christian. Last night I prayed the rosary. Now I don’t know what to call myself. More and more, the labels are unimportant. It’s the experience I’m after, the inner knowing that I’m part of something bigger than myself. The conviction that every time I take a breath, God breathes with me. I’m after what the mystics know, the truth that every life, every rock, and every molecule is both sacred and holy.

25. The Physical Body

This could be an entire series of posts. And has been. Suffice it to say that every experience we have on this planet is granted to us through our physical organism. And whereas my personal temptation has been to ignore my body’s signals (information, guidance, wisdom) or be mad it at for hurting or being sick (not good enough), I’ve learned that it is the master and I am its pupil. I am in its classroom, and I must play by its rules. So more and more I’m learning to love, honor, and take care of my body, this gift I’ve been given. Granted, it’s easy to compare yourself to others and find fault with your body, but then you miss The Mystery. Then you miss the wonder that is you.

26. Therapy and Healing

Is actually a thing. And whereas I could go on and on about different therapies and modalities I’ve tried and succeeded with, really, it all started the day I picked up the phone and called my therapist. One little choice that was really a big choice. “I think I need help,” I said. Thankfully, my therapist was a good fit for me, and her office became a safe place, a sacred place, where I could begin to put myself back together. And whereas I’ve done a lot of work on my own, I think this is a huge part of the process. Having a witness. Not someone that does the work for you, but someone who sees you and believes in you. Maybe more than you do. Someone who is willing to stick with you through it all. Another big part being what my therapist told me that first session. “For this hour we’re going to do two things: sit in truth and not judge ourselves.” So whatever path you choose, I suggest taking these two gems with you. The truth (it will set you free) and non-judgment. I promise, you’ll get further faster if you do.

27. Transformation

Is not only possible, but necessary. Just like a caterpillar can’t stay a caterpillar forever, we as humans can’t stay our old selves forever. Indeed, we’ve been designed to grow, change, transform, evolve. To forget that which is behind and press forward toward the mark. To be burned in the ashes and rise again. To die on the cross and ascend three days (or three years) later. This is written in our stories, and this is written in our cells. So just find a way to accept it. Then get on with the process. Set your foot upon The Path. Entertain the idea that you are more (insert positive adjective here) than you ever thought possible.

28. Travel Writing

Hasn’t been a huge part of my journey or this blog but is still worth mentioning. One lesson from traveling being that, just like that, the universe can take you on a trip, put someone on your path, or put you on someone else’s. Just like that, you can be in a whole new world. With a whole new perspective. JRR Tolkein said, “Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or secret gate.” Believe in this magic. Trust that as one journey ends, another is beginning.

29. Writing

Isn’t for everyone, but is for everyone. At least, words are for everyone. Personally, these words, these hundreds of thousands of words, have changed my life. Once a writer friend pointed out that I was literally writing into existence the life I wanted to live. Sweetheart, hang on for one more day. Things will get better. Lately I’ve been hashtagging all my posts #healing. And whereas I’ve thought of these statements and labels as simply my way of hoping or just description, well, in the beginning was the word. Seriously. Think of the world you create when you say something is “possible” versus the world you create when you say something is “impossible.” Notice how your thoughts, feelings, emotions, attitude, and actions change depending on which world you decide to inhabit. Crazy, I know. And that’s just one little word. Now, have the words I’ve written these last three years MADE my life change? I could never prove that. But my life has changed, and surely it’s at least partly due to the fact that at some point I started telling myself a different story. A story I wanted to hear. One of healing, forgiveness, self-acceptance, hope, transformation, and transcendence. A story in which I was the hero and there was a happy ending.

And surely anyone can do this.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Some things simply take time and often more than one trip to the hardware store.

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On Chasing Tail (Blog #418)

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Today has been a full day. I’ve been full of coffee, consequently full of anxiety, and–this evening–full of spaghetti. But seriously, folks, I’ve been nervous all day–buzzing, even before the coffee. This morning I woke up and took my blood sugar just because I’ve been so on-edge physically. And whereas my blood sugar was a little high (my dad said it was great, but he’s a chocolate-cake-eating diabetic that thinks anything under 300 is “great”), I’m not sure that it would explain my feeling shaky. Oh well, just one more thing to talk to my doctors about next week.

This afternoon I had a follow-up appointment with my dermatologist regarding my very personal rash (where no one wants a rash). An inflammation whose cause is unknown, that’s what the nurse said it was when the biopsy report came back over six weeks ago. Thankfully, things are a lot, lot better, but not completely back to normal. This seems to be a theme with my health this last year–issues improve, but like all the flies in my parents’ kitchen, they don’t go away. (Assholes.) Anyway, the doctor today said it was technically “a dermal hypersensitivity that could have a number of causal factors.” In other words, my boys are pissed off and no one knows why, but I should continue to “keep things dry and avoid friction.”

“Oh–and–that’ll be a hundred-and-twenty-five dollars, Mr. Coker.”

Seriously, I don’t know any business other than the medical profession where people PAY to be told, “We don’t know what the answer is.”

Yesterday I blogged about being scared of everything, specifically trying new things like penning a travel-writing article or picking out pictures for a travel-writing article. My therapist says that owning your fears is a big part of healing, and I guess she’s right, since yesterday I was all a-twitter about picking out pictures, but this afternoon after having owned my shit last night, I got the entire job done with little to no anxiety. That’s me smirking about my accomplishment in the photo above. The Peabody Duck, which I got during my travel-writing trip to Memphis, is actually a disguised USB drive with press photos on it. (The Peabody is a famous hotel with trained mallard ducks that march down a red carpet and into a fountain in the lobby every day.)

How cool is that?

I’ve spent the rest of the day running errands, teaching dance, and reading a new book about stand-up comedy by Stephen Rosenfield. It’s genius, and my inner student loves the fact that stand-up, just like dance, has its history and pioneers, as well as its tried-and-true rules that are meant to be followed as well as broken. Really, I’m riveted, and I’d probably be done with the book by now except I keep going to YouTube to watch the comedians the book mentions. Of course, this isn’t a terrible way to spend an evening–laughing. Plus, as the book points out, comedy takes life’s tragedies and makes them bearable. When we can laugh at our burdens, they automatically become lighter.

Here’s something. For years, maybe even decades, one of my biggest gripes about my lovely father is that he’s an interrupter. Specifically, he’s a me-interrupter. At least that’s what gets on my nerves. This usually happens when I’m in the middle of a story, often in response to his asking, “What did you do today, son, oh fruit of my loins?” Like, let’s say I’m going on about being in the dermatologist’s office and how the dermatologist is telling me, “You don’t want to use steroid cream and anti-fungal powder at the same time because that would be like mixing milk and flour together and getting frosting.” But before I can even get to the part about the dermatologist saying, “And you wouldn’t want GENITAL FROSTING,” Dad’s interrupts me and starts talking about a cake with chocolate frosting he ate at the senior citizen’s center last Friday. Like, licking his lips and everything. “It was WONDERFUL.”

Historically, this type of behavior has really pissed me off because (as my father’s child), being interrupted makes me feel minimized and unimportant, as if what I have to say doesn’t matter. I’ve said this to Dad before, and he says that’s not the case. “If I don’t say what I’m thinking right away, I’ll forget it,” he says. And whereas I don’t completely buy this excuse (or buy it at all), I have come to accept it. At the very least, since interrupting is my dad’s habit with–well–most people, I’ve come to not take it so personally.

[At this point I’d like to apologize if I’ve ever interrupted you, dear reader, and say that I really have been working on fixing the problem for a while now.]

Okay. All that being said, this morning I’m sitting at the breakfast table, still in a daze from the anti-histamines I took last night, chewing away on grilled chicken and scrambled eggs. And BAM–out of freakin’ nowhere!–Dad starts apologizing for “all those years” he interrupted me. Oh my God, y’all, I almost choked on my cheddar cheese. Suspicious, I said, “Where is this coming from?” Dad said, “Well, your aunt interrupts me on the phone sometimes when I’m in the middle of a sentence, and IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.”

I put down my fork and leaned back in my chair. “Payback is a real bitch.”

Sometimes you have to give up wanting something before you can actually have it.

Twelve hours later, I’m still in shock. All these years of asking Dad to change and getting nothing, and now this, unsolicited. Not that I expect Dad’s habits to turn around overnight, but–as they say–the first step is admitting you have a problem (not someone else admitting you have a problem). But truly, I’m in awe at the way life works. Wayne Dyer tells a story about a cat that chases its tail. Of course, he never catches it. Then one day he decides to give up trying and go about his life. Later the cat comments, “You know, it’s funny. Now my tail follows me everywhere I go.” To me this means that sometimes you have to stop trying so damn hard. To me it means that whether it’s an apology or the answer to a healthcare problem, maybe you have to give up wanting something before you can actually have it. (Ain’t that a bitch?) So this is my new mantra–Stop chasing your own tail, Marcus. Now as for chasing someone else’s tail, well, that’s another matter.

That was a sex joke, Mom.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You can be weird here. You can be yourself.

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Learning to Navigate (Blog #400)

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Today I don’t feel a hundred percent. You know those days when you think, I should have stayed in bed. I can’t say exactly what’s wrong. I feel anxious, off. I had it in my head that I was going to do two things–two whole things–I didn’t want to do today. First, I was going to call the insurance company of the guy who hit me. I hate adult things like this. Second, I was going to choreograph a dance for a group of teenagers who are taking a lesson tomorrow. I hate choreographing. And not that I hate teenagers, but they’re usually awkward and I’m usually awkward, so when we get together it’s just–well–usually awkward.

However, despite my feelings of impending doom, I called the insurance company earlier today. Just get it over with, I thought, get it the fuck over with. So I did. Before breakfast even. I left a voicemail. Like an adult who’s not afraid of his own shadow or making a damn phone call. As it turns out, sometimes I can pretend. Then after breakfast I actually sat down–well, stood up–to choreograph that dance for the awkward teenagers. Just get it over with, I thought, get it the fuck over with. But I couldn’t because APPARENTLY I threw away the slip of paper with the name of the song on it that the awkward teenagers want to dance to. Something about Cinderella, I remembered. So I started looking online.

Do you know how many freaking Cinderella songs there are!?

And not one of them rang a bell.

Well shit, I thought. Immediately I started shallow breathing and breaking out in a heavy sweat, as if the wheels were coming off. It’s okay, Marcus, I tried to tell myself. But lately it’s felt like so many things are going “wrong,” that my baseline of pressure is so high, that any little thing can send me right over the edge. A small dip in energy, another bill in the mail–any sort of disappointment–and there I go, tumbling down.

You’d better drop it like a hot potato.

Last week after writing about improv comedy, it occurred to me that my “life strategy” of getting butthurt when things don’t go my way would never work on the stage. There you might have it in your mind that a scene is going to go one way, like that you’re going to be an elephant. But if the other guy on stage opens his mouth first and refers to you as his pet monkey, well, you’d better start waving your arms over your head or pretending to eat a banana. Because in that moment it doesn’t matter what you’d intended, that elephant plan is over, and you’d better drop it like a hot potato, mister, if you don’t want to be left behind.

Changing directions at a moment’s notice is really easy to do on statge. But I’m finding it harder to do in real life. Today when I couldn’t find that song I was looking for, I just kept looking, sometimes blankly staring at the screen in astonishment. I can’t believe this is my fricking life, I thought. Eventually, I snapped myself out of it and thought, I’ll do something else. So I decided to clean out my voicemails. Y’all, as much as I bitch about the importance of good customer service, I’m terrible at calling people back. (I’m working on it.) Today I called one girl back who left me a message two weeks ago wanting dance lessons for her wedding, and when we spoke, she said, “Oh–the wedding’s tomorrow.”

Well, shit.

Now I’m trying not to self-flagellate, beat myself up for not calling her back sooner or not remembering the name of that song. I keep telling myself, You’ve had a lot going on, Marcus. It’s not like your life has been a cake walk lately (God knows). I really am doing the best I can to not hang on to my elephants, those things in the past that are over, those ideas about how life should have been or how I should have acted. Because–shit–they weigh a lot, and I’m reminding myself that when you’re in a storm you’ve got to throw everything overboard that weighs you down. That’s the only way you and your ship can survive, by getting light and dealing with what’s happening now–not what you wanted to happen now.

As the ocean of life changes, we must too.

So that’s why I’m currently writing. This blog is number #400 (in a row!), and despite my plan that I was going to choreograph AND THEN write, that’s not what’s happening. Rather, I’m writing, and then “we’ll see.” Looking back over the last 400 days, I’m reminded that I’ve made it through rough ones before, days when nothing went my way or at least not as planned. If I’m being completely honest, which is the point here, no day ever goes completely as I plan it. That’s simply not how sailing works. No, the ocean of life is unpredictable, and as it changes, we must to. One day the wind will fill our sails and carry us along, another it will nearly turn us over. So we buckle down our hatches and adjust course when necessary. From one day to the next, we somehow learn to navigate.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Life is never just so. Honestly, it’s a big damn mess most of the time.

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Create, Adjust, and Maneuver (Blog #395)

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Last night was one of the best night’s I’ve had in a while. Our improv group, The Razorlaughs, performed in Tulsa at a venue called The Rabbit Hole. A few of our regular members were unable to attend, so at first it was just going to be my friend Aaron and me. (I realize that, grammatically, that should be Aaron and I, Mom.) But at the last-minute our friend Victoria jumped in, and y’all, last night was her first improv show ever, but she did great! We had a small audience, a baker’s dozen, but all of them were into the show, and most of them participated. As a performer, this makes all the difference, performing for people who want to be performed to.

In the above photo, we are making a nod to one of our improv games–Stand, Sit, Kneel–where someone always has to be standing, sitting, or kneeling. (Therefore, if one person changes their position, the others have to also.) In the picture below, Aaron and I were playing a game called Pillars with two audience members, who had to “fill in the blanks” or give us suggestions at random times during the game.

One of the highlights of last night’s show was that my friend Kara, whom I went to high school with, came to watch. She even got up on stage. (She also took the above photos.) When we graduated, Kara was the valedictorian of our class, and I was the salutatorian, so I couldn’t help but notice how well she did with The Alphabet Game, where players have a conversation in which the first sentence starts with A, the next with B, and so on. When it came to the letter X and it was Kara’s turn to speak, she said, “Xerxes (pronounced Zerksies) only knows. (Pause.) It starts with an X, I promise.” So this morning I texted Kara, referenced this moment on stage, and said, “#ThingsOnlyValedictoriansSay.”

Last week at therapy I told my therapist that I was doing the Autoimmune Paleo (AIP) diet, which basically means eating nothing enjoyable–wheat, dairy, tomatoes, legumes, eggs, nuts, or alcohol. Later she told me, “Go easy on yourself. It’s okay to modify. If you want to eat some nuts, eat some frickin’ nuts.” So last night after the show I took her advice to heart. Aaron, Victoria, Kara, and I met at Kilkenny’s, a cool Irish pub, and whereas I stuck to AIP for my meal, I decided to have a drink. I told myself, “It’s okay to modify, Marcus. If you want to have some vodka, have some vodka.”

When our group wrapped up for the evening and said our goodbyes, I walked around the corner at Kilkenny’s and ran into my swing dancing friends Gregg and Rita, who had come by for a bite after last night’s celebratory swing dance. (Yesterday was International Dance Day). Y’all, it was the perfect little unexpected reunion. They were with their son and some of his friends, and everyone was so kind. We sat for a couple of hours and just caught up, talking about dance, work, family, earrings–you name it.

It was a wonderful night.

This is what I want for my life.

Now it’s two in the afternoon, and I’m back in Arkansas. When I first woke up this morning, I thought I was going to be sick because my sinuses were running. Maybe it’s just allergies, I thought. Still, I took some probiotics that usually help my sinuses, lay back down for a nap, and have been hitting the water pretty hard since I woke back up. (Water covers a multitude of sins.) I just had breakfast, and I need to get on the road again in an hour and a half, since I’m seeing a show in Little Rock tonight. I don’t have a “deep thought” for the day, but I do wish you could see an improv show–the way the people on stage have NO idea what’s about to happen, but are still able to create, adjust, and maneuver their way into something fun. More and more, this is what I want for my life, to be able to rise to any occasion, to take what life gives me, roll with it, and enjoy.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you’re making yourself up to get someone else’s approval–stop it–because you can’t manipulate anyone into loving you. People either embrace you for who and what you are–or they don’t.

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