Phew. It’s 11:15 at night, and Daddy is worn out. This afternoon and evening I mowed and weedeated two lawns. And whereas my body rose to the occasion after being sick most of last week, y’all, it was hotter than the devil’s armpit. Thankfully, since I started later in the day, I had a lot of shade. Plus, I stayed hydrated–I drank over a gallon of water. Anyway, I worried last week because my stomach bug kept me from my mowing obligations, but everything turned out okay. The grass waited for me. Hell, it even grew. This wasn’t a problem for me, though. I enjoy a good challenge.

Before I mowed the lawns today, I grabbed a burrito (okay, two) for lunch then used a toothpick apparatus to clean my teeth. Oh my gosh, one of my back teeth has been bothering me lately, and–no shit–I dug out a piece of popcorn that’s apparently been stuck up there since last week when I went to the movies. I seriously don’t know how this little sucker got passed me. I brush and floss every day. It must have really been hiding.

The thing that’s been on my mind today is how so often little things become big things. Like that piece of popcorn (when I pulled it out, my gums bled). Like the grass I mowed today (I had to go over several grown-up sections twice). Like the problems I’ve had in my relationships, both platonic and non-platonic. Looking back, without exception, I can see that every major blowup I’ve had in my relationships was due to the fact that I ignored red flags and let things get out of hand. When I finally did confront problems, I imagine there were more hurt feelings than there needed to be because, by that point, there was so much history. People had become attached.

A while back I had a date with someone and realized we simply weren’t compatible (because they were bat-shit crazy and I’m not). Nonetheless, I was still attracted to this person, since, let’s be honest, crazy can be real hot. Now, fortunately, things fizzled out on their own, but in thinking about whether or not I should “try again,” I remembered something my therapist says she tells herself sometimes–“Do you REALLY want to do that? We’ve been down this road before and know how it ends.” So I didn’t. I didn’t try again.

My point in telling this story is that the old me would have clung on for all the wrong reasons until eventually things got so miserable I couldn’t stand it. Not only that, the old me would have done this repeatedly, each time with a different person. The old me did do that. Most of us operate this way. Different people come in and out of our lives, but we experience the same problems, the same drama. As I recently heard, people say life is one damn thing after another, but it’s actually the same damn thing over and over again. Why? Because we refuse to recognize and change our patterns.

I say recognize and change because recognition is huge. People say you first have to admit you have a problem, and this means SEEING you have a problem. This is where a therapist or trusted friend comes in handy. They see problems we can’t see because we’re too close to them. That was the deal for me. The old me didn’t realize what was going on. Sure, I recognized certain bad behavior, but I wasn’t able to connect the dots. Things would just one day blow up, and it was like, “How did we get here?” Now after years of therapy I’m able to step back and observe others’ behavior neutrally. Like, that was passive aggressive. That was real shitty. That was bat-shit crazy. Even, that was real mature.

Or, I’m being unrealistic. Or, I’m just not that into them.

Recently I heard that life will invite you to self-abandon a dozen times a day. This means we’re constantly tempted to eat things that are bad for us, make someone else’s needs more important than our own, or take the easy way out. My therapist is always saying, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch–you either pay now or you pay later.” To me this means that we can either stay on top of our lawns, diets, and relationships with minimal effort, or we can ignore problems and have to bring out the big guns later. Neither way is right or wrong, but big guns always mean more fallout, more collateral damage, and–usually–a longer period of healing or putting yourself back together. So for me it’s becoming more and more important to stay on top of things. This means seeing clearly, being as honest as possible, and–if necessary–taking action.

And not dating people who are bat-shit crazy.