This afternoon I taught a dance lesson at my friend Bonnie’s, then Bonnie and I spent the rest of the day catching up. We covered all the things–thoughts, feelings, beliefs, relationships, movie quotes. And whereas I don’t intend to reproduce our entire conversation here, I would like to further process a few things we discussed that have been on my mind since.

And then I’d like to go to bed.

1. My routine

Since our conversation lasted until late in the evening, I told Bonnie I wished I’d already blogged. Along those lines, I said that although I’m really proud of my every day writing streak and never regret having written, there are plenty of days when it wears me the fuck out. Today, for example. Currently it’s one-thirty in the morning, and I’d much rather be passed out than trying to write a coherent sentence. Like, what a lovely day today would have been if I’d simply taught a dance lesson, visited with my friend, then gone to bed. Instead, I came home after midnight and went to work. Granted, this was and is my choice, I’m not complaining, but as I’ve said before, I could do some things to make this easier. Like blogging during the day when I’m fresh. Because I’ve been talking lately (for the last two years) about being more gentle with myself, and I actually think it’s quite abusive for me to push-push-push my body to work when it’s tired-tired-tired.

2. On compliments

Another thing Bonnie and I discussed were compliments, in part because I gave my dad a compliment this morning (that had been given to him by a friend of mine), and he made a self-deprecating joke in response. (My dad jokes a lot). Maybe we all do this at times, brush off the kind words of others, squirm when they say something nice. But I told my dad that it’s possible my friend really meant what they said. Despite my own insecurities about my age, looks, talents, and status in life, it’s possible (possible!) that people who say nice things about me (my body, skills, character, personality) are sharing what’s true for them rather than simply blowing smoke up my ass. After all, people are allowed to have opinions.

Once a friend told me that when someone praises you, you don’t have to dismiss it, nor do you have to take it as an opportunity to brag on yourself further. Like, “Oh yeah, not only am I a handsome devil, but I can also bake one hell of a strawberry shortcake.” Rather, they said, the correct response is “thank you.”

3. On my situation

Over the last two years, I’ve made a lot of jokes about my being single, basically unemployed, and living with my parents. At the same time, I recognize (and sometimes discuss with Bonnie) the fact that my current situation is largely by my choosing. That is, if I REALLY WANTED to be making more money or living somewhere else, I could find a way to make it happen. Instead, I’ve chosen to use this time to focus on other things–my personal growth and this writing project, for example–other things I’ve deemed more important. And not that I’ll never make a joke about my situation again, but I’m working on not being fundamentally ashamed of myself or where I am in my life. Because I’m actually really proud of who I am and what my priorities are. Given the chance to do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing. So I’d like to start owning that. To stop judging myself for something I’d willingly choose to do again. To stop saying, “This is my life” as an apology and start saying, “This is my life, thank you.”

I’m single–thank you.
I’m basically unemployed–thank you.
I’m living with my parents–thank you.