It’s just before nine in the evening, and I’m worn out. I haven’t had a lick of energy all day. Granted, I have been able to play with my four-year-old nephew, who dragged me outside this afternoon and had a difficult time understanding that I couldn’t run because of my injured knee. “You chase me. I’ll go slow,” he said as he took off like a jackrabbit. He really is the cutest. Except when he hits me. He’s just playing around, of course, but the boy doesn’t know his own strength. This evening after he’d “bonked” me on my head, I said, “Who made you so violent?”

His answer: “God.”

Later my older nephew (who’s been entertaining himself today) complained that my younger nephew was reading his private journal. My sister’s reply: “Son, he’s four. HE CAN’T READ.”

Kids.

Other than playing with my nephew, I’ve spent today reading a book and scrolling through my phone. I’m really haven’t been motivated to do anything else, although I did get out to have coffee with my friend Marla. We always have a good time together. But for the last two hours I’ve been lounging in an oversized chair in our living room waiting for my life to get better. So far it hasn’t happened. My neck hurts. My skin has a rash. My knee is stiff. My entire body feels “blah.”

Lately I’ve been going back and forth–things will better, things won’t get better. He loves me, he loves me not. And whereas I really want to believe things will get better, it’s a tough thought to hang on to when I’m not seeing a lot of proof here. Sure, it makes sense logically that things will improve; it just doesn’t feel like they will. Like, even if you really believe in rainbows, when you’re stuck in the woods, it’s hard to envision a world of rainbows because all you can see is a world of trees.

Caroline Myss says that “in order to have faith, you have to have a crisis that requires you to find it.” I really hope that’s what is happening here, that this time in my life is bringing out the best in me. That’s one of the things I like about that quote, the implication that faith is already in us, we just have to get in touch with it. But seriously, damn that a crisis is required. That being said, who would wake up on a good day and think, You know what? I could use more faith today. No, we look for our faith when times are tough, when things are darkest, when we can’t see our way out of the woods. And perhaps this is a gift, to be forced to look inside yourself and discover hope waiting for you, to be reminded that part of you never stops believing in something better.