Today I have felt overwhelmed. The dictionary describes feeling overwhelmed as feeling “buried or drowned beneath a huge mass.” (Accurate.) Synonyms for feeling overwhelmed include feeling swamped, deluged, flooded, inundated, and submerged. (Also accurate.)

Somebody send in a lifeboat.

My main gripe today is a rash on my skin, the cause of which is unknown. That is, it could be a simple irritation, eczema, or a fungus. (I’m not a doctor.) Being paranoid, I assume it’s all of the above, and I’m TRYING (trying) to not freak out and cover myself in unnecessary creams and ointments and thus further exacerbate the issue. But I don’t like sitting around doing nothing either.

Nothing except itching that is.

I grant this isn’t a HUGE problem in the grand scheme of things. People have skin issues MUCH worse. But in light of the fact that my left knee is currently FUBAR (that’s Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, Mom), it’s just another thing to deal with. This is a difficult thing for me to do, taking care of my skin while I’m worrying about my leg. I keep thinking, You’re kidding! I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Plus, not that I’m going to ignore this problem, but every time I put an anti-itch cream on my skin, I feel like I’m trying to comb my hair in the middle of a hurricane. That is, I’m not sure my efforts are doing any good.

This is part of feeling overwhelmed, the thought that nothing you try or do is ultimately helpful. Picture a hamster running around the inside of a wheel–absolutely working its ass off but going nowhere. My one sliver of hope today came from a dear friend of mine who said, “If an old lady like me can recover from knee surgery, so can you. You’re young and have strong muscles.” (So that’s nice–somebody thinks I’m young.) Oh–and–I guess one other thing gives me hope. I’ve had this small patch of dry skin on my elbow for a while now. My doctor said it’s psoriasis (so it probably is). Anyway, she gave me some stuff to use, and now my skin is actually getting better. So obviously my body is capable of healing and repairing itself given the right conditions.

I have one square inch of skin to prove it.

This afternoon I started working on a travel writing article about my recent trip to Tennessee. And whereas I made progress, I quit when my brain turned to mush. It was that feeling overwhelmed thing. My brain just couldn’t handle the stress. I kept thinking, I have to heal my skin, have surgery, learn to walk again, AND write this story? Anyway, figuring my body could use all the rest I could give it, I took a nap. The nap itself only lasted an hour, but I stayed in bed for two, maybe three, during which time I did my best to “breathe” and “relax.” This is difficult for me to do, to actually slow down and feel my feelings and whatever is going on in my body. I’m so used to tightening up and pushing through. But today while tuning in (or, turning inward), I sensed that my skin was “angry” and my lungs were “sad.”

Maybe this sounds weird. Oh well. I really do believe emotions get stored in our bodies and that our bodies have something to say to us if we’re willing to listen. That’s the part I’m working on, simply slowing down and listening. Because I honestly have no idea what to DO with my emotions. My first thought when I realized parts of me were angry and sad was, How do I get rid of these feelings? But upon reflection, that’s what I’ve been trying to do for years, to get rid of my feelings or, at the very least, shut them up. (You there, go sit in the corner.) So now I’m working on NOT doing that.

In certain spiritual traditions, there’s something called a welcoming prayer, which is a prayer that’s said in order to invite in those emotions or situations we’d normally push away. An example of a welcoming prayer would be Welcome, Anger, or Welcome, Sadness. Really, it’s that simple, and the idea is that by treating your feelings as you would an honored guest, you open yourself up to learning something from them. So I’m trying to do this, to welcome this feeling of being overwhelmed and see what it has to teach me, to let not knowing what to do sweep over me, to really sink into not being in control.