It’s 3:30 in the afternoon, and for the next week I’ll be house sitting for friends, which means that not only will my upcoming posts be uploaded faster (WIFI!), they’ll also include cats. So prepare yourselves. Currently I’m on their back porch, and it’s hot as balls. It’s not even summer, and Arkansas is already doing it’s humidity thing. I could go inside, of course, but I’m thinking it wouldn’t hurt me to stay out here and sweat. With any luck I’ll cleanse myself of that chocolate pudding I ate earlier today.

Change of plans. I just noticed there’s a fan.

In a few hours I’m planning to attend a fundraiser/dance with one of my former students and current friends. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve heard there will be drinks, dancing, and even a food truck. (Diet starts tomorrow.) That being said, it should be an all-night affair, and that’s why I’m blogging now. (I’ll schedule this to post later.) I’ve only been up for a few hours and already want a nap, so I just can’t write late tonight. Granted, I could–I have before–but more and more, I’m considering “write first, play later” an exercise in self-kindness.

Along this line of thinking, after tonight, at least for a few days, I’m hoping to leave the house as little as possible. Rather, I’d like to lounge around, read, write, and Netflix. I need to take it easy. I brought several books, but I’m telling myself I don’t HAVE to read them. I don’t HAVE to finish even one. I’m always thinking that healing or self-knowledge is at the end of “the next” book, but yesterday I thought, Enough, Marcus. You’ve read enough. Keep reading if you want to, but you already have everything you need to succeed in life.

One of my goals while house sitting this week is to do some writing outside of the blog, some more inner work. Sometimes I tell people that I think it’s interesting the way the subconscious works. For over a year I’ve been sitting down to spill my guts on the internet, and more often than not, I have no idea what’s going to land on the page. Consequently, one of the most fascinating things that’s happened this last year has been for me to see what “themes” have organically come up in my life as a result of this project–themes like abundance, self-acceptance, and trust in both my body and life, the universe, or God.

You know, little things like that.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve spent a lot of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. As a result, when I see things like the above-mentioned themes “pop up” in my life,” sometimes it feels like seeds are being planted here (in me) that won’t grow. On one hand I can see clearly that I’m being invited to see and experience the world differently than I have for the last three decades, but on the other it feels like a tease, something that’s too good to be true.

Ultimately, I think that’s the struggle I deal with on the daily–whether or not life itself is fundamentally good. Of course, this isn’t a question to be taken lightly, something you figure out over a plate of fried mozzarella sticks or a glass of beer. It’s a serious question.

Recently I was discussing with a friend the difference between believing something in your head and believing it in your heart. Personally, I think that any good idea or life philosophy starts out as just an idea, something that sounds good or maybe even something that doesn’t. Either way, I see it as a seed that has the potential to grow. Given the right care, attention, and enough experiences to back it up, I think a thought can eventually become a belief that’s so deeply rooted in your body and soul that nothing–nothing–can ever shake it. And if it’s “the right” belief, nothing can ever shake you either.

I mean, how different would your life be if you believed from the top of your head to the tips of your toes that life itself was not just good but really good? What if that belief pervaded your entire being? Imagine how it could anchor you in a storm.

I think I’m in the process of trying out my thoughts and beliefs, of figuring out scientifically, Is the universe abundant? Is it possible to have peace in the midst of chaos? How does my world change when I’m brave enough to let love in and out of my heart? These are the issues I’d like to explore this next week in my non-blog writing. I’m sure some of it will make it onto the web, but I’d like to sit down and start listing–recognizing for myself–all the seeds that have been planted in my life that are currently growing or have already becoming towering trees. I think that would remind me that I’m more rooted than I realize. I think looking back and seeing my slow path of growth would affirm what I know to be true deep down in my being–that all things in good time–bloom.