How Wide My Branches (Blog #195)

Once again, I’m blogging while the sun is up. I hope this doesn’t become a habit. I mean, it’s all right. I woke up early to get ready to go out-of-town. For the last three hours, I’ve packed, showered, and gone to Walmart to get my “subscriptions” filled to deal with my current skin inflammation. I swear, my nipples are so red, it looks as if I’ve been breast-feeding. Anyway, I’ve quite literally packed almost everything I own for this trip. I might as well just throw the rest of my shit in the car and go ahead and move. Maybe I’ll meet Zac Efron in Colorado and that will be that. A girl can dream.

My main stress today has been “getting on the road.” I love a good road trip, but I hate getting ready for them. You know how it goes–all the shit to move around, trip after trip from inside the house to the car. My hair products alone weigh enough to make for a decent Crossfit workout. But I digress. The other big stress has been what to write about. It seems like I just did this last night, and other than spotting a few lesbians at Walmart, not much has happened. I guess we could talk about the yogurt I’m currently eating or the fact that my pharmacist said to not put the antibacterial ointment on my nipples as if it were axle grease.

I wonder if he thought I would enjoy that sort of thing.

Just now a man pulled in our driveway and hopped out of his truck with his two sons. Last week his uncle knocked on our door and asked if he could take some of the Chinese Chestnuts that had fallen from our tree into our front yard. “Sure, take all you want,” I said. Well, I guess our nuts are becoming a town hit, since the guy told his nephew about them, and he later came by and asked if he could bring his kids to get some. I remember being excited about this sort of things when I was younger. My sister and I would put the tops of carrots in little saucers of water, watch them sprout into little forests. Once a man came over and helped plant apple trees in our backyard. I was so excited, like I was going to be Johnny Appleseed or something, spend my summers hanging from the branches. Eventually they died, but before they did, our white-haired neighbor with painted-on eyebrows made a few killer apple cobblers.

As part of getting ready to go out-of-town, I dismantled the Lego set I put together several weeks ago. It’s not for certain, but I’m hoping to see my sister on this road trip, and I’d like to give the Lego set to my nephew. Since he’s seven, I’m assuming he doesn’t read my blog and that it will be a surprise. Anyway, when I put the Lego set on the kitchen table, my dad said, “How old are you?” Well, I put my shoulders back and said, “I’m thirty-seven, thank you.” Tonight I’ll be staying with my friend Megan, and she said she and her son were building a castle this afternoon. Honestly, this excites me. Just because you get older, I don’t think that means you have to lose your childlike sense of wonder. My therapist says that growing up means you don’t act childish, but you can–and should–be curious.

Earlier my friend Kara sent me a text with best wishes for my road trip. I said, “First, thanks! Second, help! I don’t know what I’m going to write about today.” Well, being the dutiful friend and eternal student that she is, Kara sent me a list of suggestions–road-trip snacks, pictures with roadside attractions, etc. My favorite, however, was “How quests have to start with questions.” Until she said it, I hadn’t thought of my trip as a quest, but I guess it is. Ultimately, I’m doing this because I’m looking for something besides Zac Efron–knowledge, self-discovery, more peace of mind. On the surface, the question I’m asking looks like, What’s this all about? Deep down, it looks more like, Who am I and what am I really doing here (like, on the planet)? I don’t expect to have those questions answered in a weekend, but perhaps a piece of the puzzle will come together.

Maybe that’s what I like about it–the mystery of it all. I can pack and plan all I want to, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I may stop and see some friends next week who are staying in New Mexico, but they said they may leave early if the weather gets bad. So I’m trying to be up for anything, to remain open and curious. For a planner like me, it’s not easy, and it’s kind of like I’m planning to be spontaneous. This makes even me shake my head. But I do think it’s exciting, not knowing exactly what lies ahead. Like those who plant seeds, my constant hope is to simply remain in fertile soil and tend gently to myself, all the while wondering what will become of this tree and how wide my branches can reach.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Your story isn’t about your physical challenges.

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That Which Rises (Blog #194)

Well shit. Currently it’s one-thirty in the morning, and I just got back from the emergency room. When I woke up this morning, my right nipple was hurting. Honestly, I just thought it was a pimple, since sometimes that happens. But then this afternoon my other nipple (the left one) started hurting too, so I was like, That’s odd, I feel like I’m going through puberty again, I wonder if I’ll start lactating. Anyway, around midnight I took my shirt off to examine things, and the red bumps had spread to my armpits, so I thought, Houston, we have a problem. Fortunately, I didn’t freak out too much, since something similar happened about six months ago. But since I’m going out-of-town tomorrow, I did want to get it checked out, so thus the emergency room.

Anticipating a long wait, I took my laptop to the hospital and just figured I would blog while waiting. Well, sometimes life throws you a bone, and no one else was there. I mean, the staff was there, but no one was in the waiting room. Y’all, they had me back in a room in under a minute and were taking my vitals before they even asked me my name. They were awesome. The doctor was back in no time, and I quickly got a diagnosis–folliculitis, which is inflammation of the hair follicles, usually due to infection. So he gave me a pill for the night, slapped me on the ass, and sent me back home with prescriptions to fill tomorrow.

He didn’t really slap me on my ass. (That only happens in porn.)

I asked the doctor if it was a hygiene problem, and he said, “You seem like a clean person. It’s probably just bad luck.” But Google said you can get folliculitis from using a hot tub, so that’s probably it. Suffice it to say, I should probably bathe after using hot tubs and stop thinking of the hot tub itself as a bath. Lesson learned.

This afternoon the chiropractor ran ultrasound therapy on the spot in my mid back that’s been giving me shit for a few months now, and I think it’s actually helping, so that feels like a small miracle. Then I had my oil changed, and the hot guy behind the cash register kept calling me sir, so that did not feel like a small miracle. Then I met with the three ladies I’ve been working with lately for their last dance lesson before their performance this weekend. Y’all, I’m so proud of them. Today they showed up for a full dress rehearsal and they looked killer, all decked out in fishnet hose, white tails, and top hats. They’ve come SO far from where we started a few months ago. As a teacher (and just a human), it’s really rewarding to see people work their butts off for something and have it come together.

After the dance lesson, Bonnie fed me and gave me beer. The whole family gathered in the living room for dinner and conversation, and I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. I guess most the time I always have this feeling that no matter what I’m doing, I should be doing something else. My mind is go, go, go nine times out of ten. But there’s something about Bonnie and Todd’s house, whether it’s their living room or front porch, something that says, Sit down, stay a while–you can relax and be yourself. After a while, we all settled into our devices, and I borrowed their high-speed internet to work on another writing project and go ahead and download the photos for tonight’s blog.

Tomorrow I leave for a weekend, spiritual retreat of sorts in Colorado. I’ll be breaking up the drive, and I’ll keep you posted as a I go along. Thursday’s blog may look like, Drove all day, tired, and that’s about it. We’ll see. Anyway, the retreat is basically about–I think–finding that place in yourself that’s always calm and centered. My therapist says I’m “going to get enlightened,” but I’m sure that’s not really something that happens over the course of three days and two nights. (I’m sure she doesn’t think that either.) Whatever happens, I’ll let you know how it goes, but now I’m all nervous and wondering how I’m going to get everything done before I leave and how I’ll have time to blog every day.

I’m taking the nerves as confirmation that I’m still in need of enlightenment, and therefore not wasting my time and money.

For the longest time I used to think that getting sick was some sort of personal failure. Maybe since I was a teenager, it’s always felt like if I ate better, exercised more, and didn’t “sin” so much (whatever that means), I’d be healthier. Consequently, going to the doctor was a problem because not only did I feel sick and vulnerable, I also felt–well–guilty. Thankfully, these thoughts and feelings have seriously subsided over the last few years. I mean, I certainly believe I have a huge role in the health of my body, but I also believe shit happens. Tonight at the emergency room, more than anything, I felt grateful–I walked right in, had wonderful care, and got answers. And people smiled at me.

This, of course, is not a little thing.

It seems to me that healing happens in little pieces. You spend most your life feeling afraid and even cynical, maybe for good reason. Life, after all, can be a real bitch sometimes. But then one day you wake up, and even if your nipples hurt, you still think the world is a good place to live. Or maybe you start at zero with a dance routine, and every time you move your body it feels like a question mark. Week after week you work, then finally things click, and you’re ready to light up the stage. So many times I think that life is some sort of dress rehearsal for something bigger, but the show is clearly right here, right now. (It’s not where we’re going, it’s how we get there.) On this stage you and I are not so different–we smile, we stumble, we get back up again. I’m starting to believe that deep down there’s a part of us that’s always calm and centered, confident in the knowledge that we can relax and be ourselves wherever we go. If we’re lucky, this part rises.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All things are moving as they should.

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On Being Mostly Dead (Blog #193)

I finished house sitting this morning. Now I’m back at Mom and Dad’s. They’re asleep, and I’m sitting at the kitchen table, which I’ve decided is slightly better for my posture than slumping down in the living room chair. Still, I’m frustrated. I got spoiled this week with fast internet, and my hotspot is running slow. So far it’s taken me ten minutes to upload two photos to tonight’s blog, so that’s going to have to be enough. The pictures are me and a cat, so if you don’t like one of us, hopefully you’ll like the other. That being said, this is a writer’s blog, and the words are uploading just fine.

So there’s that.

Today I went to therapy, and it was the first time in a while that I haven’t gotten through my entire list of things to talk about it. This stresses me out, of course, but I’m learning to deal with it, since apparently you can’t get through and solve your entire life in just under an hour. We mostly discussed my fear of asking for what I want and believing I will get it. I don’t want to be too detailed at the moment, but an example would be my entering a writing contest and believing I have a shot at recognition. I’ve been reading about how current “charged” situations are often connected to childhood events, so we talked about once when I was in elementary school and basically did cartwheels across the room as I asked my teacher, Miss Jackson, if I could help pass out the milk that day. (I’ve blogged about this incident before, here.) The crux of the negative memory had to do with another teacher, who said my behavior was inappropriate.

Well, first off, my therapist started rapping–I’m sorry, Miss Jackson–I am for real–Never meant to make your daughter cry.

I’m not kidding. (I am for real.)

Anyway, when she finished with the chorus, she said, “Okay, now back to you. This hag had a problem with the fact that you were enthusiastic?”

“Yeah, basically.”

My therapist said we don’t know what this lady’s problem was–maybe she was jealous, maybe she was hung over, maybe she was on the rag. Regardless, despite the fact that it would be normal for a child to take the event personally, it doesn’t have to be my problem anymore, since I’m an adult. Just because some hooker from grade school had a bad day (people have bad days), doesn’t mean I can’t be enthusiastic now and believe good things will come from it.

Just to lighten the mood, here’s a picture of a cat in a sink. His name’s Riley, and he doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about my childhood–or yours. Isn’t that refreshing?

This evening I drove to Poteau, Oklahoma, and watched a friend of mine perform in the musical Little Shop of Horrors. (Horrors, by the way, is two syllables, not one.) Anyway, another friend was the director. If you don’t know, the show is about a florist shop with a plant that will only eat human blood and flesh. It’s kind of morbid when you think about it, but since there’s so much doo-wop music, it’s actually rather endearing. Not to ruin anything, but the last number is sung by all the dead people inside the plant, and it’s called “Don’t Feed the Plants.” Cute, right?

Well, as if the show weren’t enough entertainment, there was an ad in the program for a local funeral home. Picture this. In big, red (bloody) letters, it said, “Don’t Feed the Plants!” Then underneath that it said, “But if you do, we have two locations to serve your needs!”

Wow. Don’t die–but if you do–we’re here to help.

This morning I saw a tweet by Tim Ferris about the letters of Seneca. Seneca was a philosopher, a Stoic, around the time of Christ. Apparently he wrote a bunch of letters, essays, to a friend of his, covering an array of topics, and they’re currently enjoying a resurgence amongst the world’s businessmen and leaders because of their wisdom. So tonight I bought the book and started reading it. First off, Seneca says to not go running around reading a bunch of different authors and books–stick with you can handle. (Since I’m currently reading several books, including his, I’m ignoring that part.)

In another letter Seneca said we get fixated on and afraid of the moment of death, but the truth is that we’re already mostly dead. (Insert Princess Bride reference here.) What that means is that our entire life thus far is over–it belongs to the grave.

Healing is like the internet at my parents’ house–it takes time.

I think a lot of us get hung up on what’s already over. Personally, I know I’ve spent a lot of time talking about the past in therapy and on this blog. And whereas it would be easy to get bitter and to get stuck there, I’d like to be clear–my therapist won’t put up with that bullshit. (I will, but not for very long.) So I think the only healthy reason to go digging around in my childhood is because parts of it have been negatively impacting my current life. But if I can get the past sorted out and put away, then I can approach my future with a cleaner emotional slate. Sometimes I get frustrated that after three years of therapy there’s still stuff to deal with, but healing is obviously like the internet at my parents’ house–it takes time. Still, I believe it’s time worth taking, for anyone. Since one day we’ll all be plant food–I’m sorry, Miss Jackson–there’s no reason past emotional baggage should keep us from living as fully as possible right here, right now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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It’s enough just to be here.

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Trying to Manage Expectations (Blog #192)

This afternoon Riley woke me up by sitting in the doorway and meowing over and over and over again. He has a history of rude behavior like this, so I’m honestly surprised he’s left me alone until today. I guess he figured if vomiting and breaking dishes weren’t getting me out of bed at a decent hour, he’d try the direct approach. I’m all for stating your needs, of course, but I also wasn’t getting up easily, so that’s when Riley got on the bed. Like, on top of me. “What, did we win the lottery?” I said, and turned back over. Then Riley moved to the nightstand, put his butt in my face without even asking first, and proceeded to circle the alarm clock as if he’d recently learned how to tell time.

Fine, I’ll get up. But I’m not happy about it.

It did occur to me that perhaps Riley was trying to tell me about a problem. You know, Lassie used to do that sort of thing, so for a moment I envisioned walking downstairs and finding Riley’s brother, Oscar, dead. I thought, That would really, really suck. But when I entered the living room I found Oscar hanging out in the sun by a window, totally alive and unconcerned about the fact that I was awake. So I ran my hand across his back and said, “You’re my favorite.”

This evening I met my friend Tess for a photo shoot where she was the photographer and I was the subject. I’ve been a bit nervous about the whole thing since we planned it, and I meant to spend the afternoon getting ready. I also meant to lose ten pounds, but that didn’t happen, one thing led to another, and I ended up saying fuck it and showering and throwing on my clothes at the last minute. Anyway, I met Tess first, then we rode together to a secret location marked with No Trespassing signs, walked right past the warnings, and began shooting.

I felt like such a rebel. Sort of like James Dean, but I had a cause and he didn’t.

Tess started by having me dance while she took pictures. You might think I’d be a natural at this sort of thing, but I really do better when I’m dancing with someone else and not just myself, especially considering the fact that I was sober. But whatever, I tried to have a good attitude, and when Tess asked me to jump up in the air and touch my toes, I simply thanked god for my stretchy jeans and said, “Okay, on the count of three.” Well, all of this was in direct sunlight, and even when it came time to stop jumping around and pose for the “high school senior” shots, I couldn’t stop perspiring. So we’ll see how things turn out. Maybe I’ll just look “radiant.”

For the next set of photos, Tess wanted to go to a different location and recreate some pictures of Gene Kelly she found online, pictures where he was wearing a gray sweatshirt. When she originally told me about the idea, I thought, Awesome, and went to Walmart and bought a Fruit of the Loom. Suffice it to say, maybe we should have thought it through a little more because by the time I got out of the wet clothes I was wearing for the jumping photos and pulled out the sweatshirt to put on, I was still sweating like a whore in church. I thought, This is sweatshirt is not going to help anything.

So that’s my excuse for being half-naked in this selfie. I’ll let Tess speak for herself. Personally, I think we could all stand to show more skin. As RuPaul says, “We’re born naked, and the rest is drag.”

By the time we got set for the Gene Kelly pictures, the sun was going down fast. Still, we persevered, and Tess clicked away as I put my thumbs in my pockets, crossed my arms, smiled, half-smiled, and wondered if I should have used more hairspray. When it was all over, I was exhausted. I also think I was stung by a wasp on my neck. Maybe it was just a mosquito. I’m not a veterinarian, so it’s hard to say what it was. Regardless, I’m now convinced models earn their money. Looking natural is harder than I thought.

Now I’m back at the house, and every time I get up to go the bathroom, Riley follows me. And whereas my bladder doesn’t have stage fright, I will say it’s a little weird having an audience when I go to the john. Last night I woke up to pee and found Riley sitting in the sink, waiting. I guess he does this because he likes to drink out of the faucet, so maybe it’s not personal. Anyway, I’ve spent the evening getting the house ready for my friends to come back–washing dishes, doing some laundry, eating peanut butter and jelly, stuff like that.

Earlier I was searching for a way to make toast and mistook a wine cooler for a toaster oven, so I know it’s getting close to my bedtime. The day starts early tomorrow, and the rest of the week will be packed, since I’m going out-of-town. Honestly, I’m a little overwhelmed, as I’ve been meaning to flip my sleep schedule for my upcoming travels, but it hasn’t happened–despite Riley’s help. Part of me is also concerned about the photos. You know, I’m a control freak AND I’m vain, so the struggle is real. My therapist says a big part of being happy is managing expectations, so I’m currently trying to set the bar low, not demand perfection of myself and others, and “let go and let Tess.” I haven’t seen a single picture yet, but so far it’s working. One way or the other, this week will come and go, the pictures will come back, and–most importantly–Riley will put his butt in someone else’s face.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Things are only important because we think they are.

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Those Who Play Well with Otters (Blog #191)

Tonight I had dinner with my friends Amber and Kara. The three of us have known each other since high school, but we’ve really connected since graduation. We all live in different cities, but a few times a year we travel to see each other, eat something delicious, and catch up. We’re all talkers, all listeners, so we always warn our waiter or waitress–we’re going to be here a while. Honestly, it’s usually a tour of emotions–we laugh, we cry, we make each other think.

Tonight we talked about high school more than usual. Never afraid to dive right in, Kara asked if I went to school the day after my dad was arrested, or maybe she said after he went to prison. Either way, I said, “I can’t remember. I think it was on a weekend.” Anyway, the question made me realize that there are definitely gaps in my memory during that period of time. I was a teenager. Looking back, it seems crazy that I would simply continue going to school, studying for tests, and making good grades as if my world wasn’t falling apart, since it was. My therapist says it’s a wonder I didn’t become a juvenile delinquent. My guess is that all the emotions just got shut down, along with my sexuality. At the time, it was all too much–too much stress, too much grief, too much religion–to handle consciously. As I think about it now, there were simply too many broken pieces to even try to put them back in place.

As the conversation continued, Kara asked if any of our teachers directly addressed the issue of my father, if any of them “stepped in.” I said, “Well, Mr. Saulsbery did.” Mr. Saulsbery was our Bible teacher, and I remember he’d specifically ask about Dad, even joke with me about the situation. He had a great laugh, and there was something about it that always put me at ease and made the world seem like a lighter place. Only recently have I realized what a mentor he was, as that was a word I didn’t understand when I was younger. Even after we graduated, “Saulz” and I would get together for lunch, and he’s the one who introduced me to Toastmasters, which is a community practice group of sorts for public speakers. He didn’t specifically say it at the time, but I can see now that he was saying by his actions, “I believe in you.”

This, of course, is not a little thing.

The last time I remember spending much time with Saulz, we were in a life-coach training seminar taught by my former life coach, Barbie. We were supposed to write a positive statement about someone in the class, and Saulz handed me a slip of paper that said, “Plays well with others,” except I thought it said, “Plays well with OTTERS,” so we laughed about that too.

A few months ago, Saulz passed away. I was going to his funeral when I had the car accident that totaled my Honda Civic. Well, I was late to the service and left early to begin self-care, but I later watched the whole thing online. Not surprisingly, everyone who spoke of him had similar stories to mine. Saulz had the mentor thing down. I guess he used to say, “You can’t speak into someone’s life if you don’t have a relationship with them.”

Amber, Kara, and I also talked about another Bible teacher of ours, Mr. Herrington. Mr. Herrington used to walk around with a straight back and a yard stick. Sometimes he would shout, “Amen!” if someone fell asleep in class. Kara reminded us that he made a big deal about mind, body, and spirit, and he was always drawing three circles to represent them. But the thing I remember is that he came over to our house one weekend to teach me and my sister how to change a flat tire, since Dad was gone (and probably could have used the lesson himself anyway). I don’t think I’ve spoken to Mr. Herrington since I was a teenager, but I wish I could tell him how handy that knowledge has been. It’s gotten me back on the road more times that I can count.

Getting comfortable in your own skin takes time.

No one in high school ever brought up my sexuality, at least directly. Like, no one said, “It’s okay. Guys who wear high heels are welcome in heaven.” I mean, it was a Christian school, in the Bible Belt no less, so that’s to be expected. Unfortunately. Even if someone had said something, I probably would have lied. Regardless, those conversations and those role models would come much later. Getting comfortable in your own skin, it seems, takes time. Honestly, one of the biggest benefits I’ve realized from having both a life coach and a therapist has been being the recipient of what’s sometimes called “unconditional positive regard,” or simply, acceptance. In my experience, healing isn’t a straight line, but if there’s a starting point, I think it looks like being totally yourself in front of someone who doesn’t flinch when you share your secrets and still wants to see you again the next day.

Just to break things up a bit, here’s a card I received today from someone who “gets me.” My hope is that you have someone like this in your life too.

After dinner with Amber and Kara, I went to the last hour of a swing dance on the U of A campus, even though the shoes I was wearing didn’t have any laces and that makes dancing a challenge. We’ll see how my feet and body feel tomorrow, but I’m currently glad I went because I love (love) swing dancing. My friend Sydnie was there, and we probably danced together ten times. When everything was over, I was out of breath, a big ball of sweat, and–most importantly–happier than when I walked in. Like meeting up with my old friends from high school, I guess it was just another way to connect with someone, to accept each other in the moment.

Tonight Kara introduced me to a term I hadn’t heard before–FOMO. (Rhymes with Homo.) Anyway, it stands for Fear Of Missing Out, and I think that when I look back at high school, I often feel as if something important wasn’t there or that my life would have been better if. But when I left the dance, I saw a statue I hadn’t noticed before. Immediately, I thought it looked like a dancer, this brass lady with her head up and arms back, lit from the front by spotlights and behind by the moon. Then the word “surrender” came to mind. As I think about it now, I realize you can’t do anything about your past. It’s simply something you have to give up. But surely when you accept your entire life for what it’s been so far, this is healing and this is putting your broken pieces back in place. What’s more, those who play well with otters seem to be the glue that brings us back together, for no one is who they are today without the help of many compassionate hearts, those who believe in us and get us back on the road to ourselves.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Better that you're true to yourself and the whole world be disappointed than to change who you are and the whole world be satisfied.

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What More Could One Ask For? (Blog #190)

Last night I slept for shit and dreamed about a giant wooden statue with a skin condition. I’m still sorting it all out, but the whole thing contributed to my never quite waking up today. When I eventually stumbled into the kitchen, the first thing I noticed was that one of the cats had knocked a drinking glass off the counter. The glass was shattered all over the floor. I thought, First vomit, now this. Of course, neither one of the cats fessed up, so I ended up blaming myself, since I’m the one who left the glass on the counter in the first place. But the vomit is still on them.

At least they’re cute.

This afternoon I worked on a short bio then submitted an essay I wrote last year to a popular website, asking them to consider publishing it. My friend Marla sent me a link earlier this year that said the site was looking for essays on a variety of personal topics, so I finally decided to “give it a whirl,” as my therapist is fond of saying. My armpits were sweating the entire time.

Later I went through my Facebook friends list and began individually inviting everyone to like my Marcus Coker, Writer page. (Click here for a link to the page and click “like” if you want to.) This is something I’ve been meaning to do since starting the blog six months ago, but honestly haven’t felt confident enough to do. Writing is such a vulnerable thing to share in the first place, and most the time it feels like asking someone to like or share my work is an imposition. That being said, everyone on Facebook shares their pages, and people are constantly asking me to play Candy Crush, so I finally convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal. More than that, I’m slowly getting to the point where I believe in what I’m doing here. I don’t pretend it’s for everyone, but I do believe it’s valuable.

Therefore, I’m sending invites, trusting that people are adults and can say yes or no. (Either way, I’m okay.)

Whenever I get to the point that I’m willing to do something like this, I tend to be a bit anal about it, meaning I opened my list of almost 2,000 friends with the intent of inviting each of them. Well, I guess Facebook has a limit on how many requests you can send out at once, and I ended up being temporarily blocked from sending out invitations. Oh well. Still, I’ve been thrilled, as friends immediately responded positively and have continued to do so all evening. In less than twelve hours, I’ve doubled my number of likes. I’m not sure what that means in the grand scheme of things or that any amount is ever “enough,” but the response itself is enough and reminds me that we all have people willing to support us even if we don’t realize it.

Also, I’m reminded that sometimes you have to be willing to be vulnerable and ask for support before someone can give it to you.

This evening I had dinner with my friends Aaron and Kate, their son, Griffin, and our friend Austin. Aaron and Austin are the ones teaching the improv class I’m attending. Also, when Aaron and Kate got married several years ago, I performed the ceremony. Anyway, after eating, we all piled up in Aaron and Kate’s Jeep and took Griffin to the 130th Annual St. Boniface Lawn Social, which is a fundraiser for a local Catholic school. Considering that I’m a total stranger to two-year-old Griffin, I’d say it’s pretty good that he only cried once when I tried interacting with him. I mean, it took a solid two years for my own nephew to stop running away from me. Cats usually throw up or knock shit over.

What can I say? It’s a gift.

I really think the Catholics have fundraising figured out, since they sell beer at their events. The genius part is that rather than selling alcohol for cash, they sell it for tickets, so it feels as if you’re playing a game at Chuck-E-Cheese. Plus, I think we can all agree that anytime you can give up six tickets in exchange for getting turnt, everyone is a winner. (Turnt is the hip term for being highly excited, tipsy, or drunk, Mom.) Anyway, what’s even smarter than selling alcohol at a fundraiser is selling alcohol at a fundraiser then directing people to a silent auction. Suffice it to say, I think Aaron, Kate, Austin, and I are all hoping to NOT win all the items we bid on.

Here’s a picture of Kate and me with some handmade Ninja Turtle beanies. Aren’t they–well–cowabunga? We tried to get Aaron and Austin to try on the purple and red ones, but Aaron said he didn’t want to get in trouble and that people were staring at us. I said, “I don’t think you can sell adults ‘beergaritas’ and reasonably expect them to act responsibly in a room full of toys.”

After the lawn social we all went back to Aaron and Kate’s, and Aaron showed me his shoe collection. Since their wedding, I’ve known that Aaron collects shoes and has several hundred pairs. It’s sort of his thing, and I even wrote a poem about it for their wedding ceremony. (Click here to read “I Have 300 Pairs of Shoes.”) Anyway, seeing the shoes in person was indescribable. I said, “Mariah Carey would be jealous.” There were boxes piled everywhere, and Aaron said he was pretty OCD and knew which shoes were in what box. Personally, I think Aaron should rent his shoes out, especially since our feet are the same size and I know he can’t wear every pair every day.

We spent the rest of the evening visiting, petting Aaron and Kate’s three dogs, and watching Griffin dance to his favorite song, Good Morning, Baltimore. Currently, it’s three in the morning, and I’m wrung out and don’t know how parents do it. That being said, tonight was one of the best evenings I’ve had in a long time, a chance to get away from the cats and this laptop, reconnect with friends, and simply live, not just online but in person. Really, what more could one ask for?

A few pairs of shoes, maybe.

[Lastly, Aaron’s birthday is tomorrow, so Happy Birthday, Aaron. You’re truly one of the most talented, creative, and fun people I know. I wish you all the best and loved kicking off your day with you and your family.]

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Perfection is ever-elusive.

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The Power of Perspective (Blog #189)

It’s one in the morning, and my friends Justin and Ashley just left. For about two hours we’ve been in the hot tub, and I’m currently limp as a wet noodle. The harvest moon shines full in the night sky, I’m not sure where the cats are, and bed sounds really great about now. But I just started the music I always blog to, downloaded the pictures I plan to use tonight, and here we go. As for where we’re going, I’m not exactly sure. (Insert long pause here.) Some nights this is easier than others.

Oh look, that’s a hundred words. Almost done.

I woke up this afternoon in the middle of a dream about the hard drive I dropped and broke last year, the one with pretty much my entire life on it. In the dream I was in Van Buren, and there was a guy with bad teeth who said he could fix the hard drive pretty cheap. Apparently he was also a hair dresser, and I was sort of apologizing for how messy my hair was. Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the dream because someone was ringing the doorbell. Well, the doorbell where I’m staying is really loud and sounds like one of those buzzers you hide in the palm of you hand that vibrates when someone shakes it, and the guy wouldn’t leave it alone. It felt like being woken up by a cattle prod.

I wasn’t impressed. Still, despite the fact that I was half-naked, I stumbled downstairs, opened the door, and tried to be pleasant.

Recently I’ve been watching the Netflix series GLOW, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. My friend Marla turned me on to it, and it’s about some ladies in the 80s who are in the process of becoming professional wrestlers. Anyway, the last episode I watched had a scene where one of the girls ends up making out with the hot, feathered-hair pizza delivery boy, so I was sort of hoping something similar would happen when I answered the door this morning. Well, damn it, no such luck. It was just a guy (that was not my type) who’d brought the paper from the yard to the porch and was looking for some work.

So that made two of us that were disappointed.

You know, sometimes the universe is a real bitch. As if the doorbell incident weren’t enough, I discovered after breakfast that one of the cats had thrown up again, this time on my friend’s backpack. Well, being the dutiful house sitter that I am, I took the backpack outside, shook off the vomit in the yard, and came back in only to discover that the cat had also puked down the side of the dryer, sort of on a trashcan but not in it, and all over a piece of wrought iron furniture, the kind with all the loops and curly q’s perfect for holding throw up. Less than an hour before I discovered this disaster, I was raving on Facebook about a friend’s newborn he’d dressed up like a little lumberjack. I thought, Oh my god, I want one. But then as I was on my hands and knees cleaning up vomit, I thought, No–no I don’t.

After The Great Feline Stomach Upset of 2017, I went to the Fort Smith Regional Art Museum, something I’ve been meaning to do since they opened in their new location four years ago. I’ve been skimping on taking my inner artist on dates lately, so I figured today was as good as any. Having never been to the museum, I didn’t know what to expect and was pleasantly surprised to find a photograph collection on loan from the Smithsonian. The collection was a project by the Environmental Protection Agency and documented life and environmental conditions in the 70s. So it was mainly about pollution, but also about fashion, drugs, and personalities.

One of the photographers for the project referred to his camera as a passport, saying, “It takes you into the lives of people you might otherwise never meet.” This is one of the things I love about reading and writing. I can pick up a book written twenty years ago, and it’s like it’s happening today. If I walk away from that book with one new idea, one little thing to chew on, I’ve been changed in some way. Even if I never meet the author in person, our minds have met, and the world is different than it was before. I think this is the power of story, and whether it’s done through the lens of a camera or words on a page, I love that no good story ever ends.

For the last few minutes I’ve been looking at the above picture, a photograph of–I’m assuming–an Italian man who owned a restaurant. Had I known him, I think I would have liked him. There’s an exercise taught in some writing classes where you take a picture like this and make up a story about it, so my mind has been running wild with possibilities–what time he got up every day, how many kids he had, how he might have gone outside for smoke break after the lunch hour rush and ended up meeting a photographer.

You can’t change what happened, but you can change the story you tell yourself about it.

My therapist says that the natural state of the universe is neutral. I take this to mean that things happen–someone rings your doorbell and wakes you up, a cat vomits, whatever–and those are just facts like photographs. Where we come in, however, is we experience or look at those facts and tell a story about them–this is disappointing, this is disgusting, this is a place I’d like to visit. In so doing, we take something neutral and turn it into either a personal positive or negative. This, of course, is the power of perspective. Maybe you can’t change what happened, but you can change the story you tell yourself about it.

When I think about the hard drive I dropped last year, the first word that comes to mind is “memories.” Because the dream had to do with fixing the hard drive and it happened in Van Buren (where I’m currently living), I imagine it was about changing my perspective about my past and current life, healing, and restoring the parts of myself I thought were lost. As for the messy hair and bad teeth, these are both things I’m pretty vain about, so they simply remind me that healing doesn’t always look like you think it will. If you’d told me a year ago I’d make my biggest internal strides by living back at home and writing a daily blog, I would have told you to get lost. As it turns out, it’s been the very way I’ve found myself. So I’m reminded tonight that underneath all of our stories about life, there’s a wisdom that not only puts a full moon in the sky and changes our fashion choices over the years, but also changes us. Often we think, I’m not exactly sure where I’m going, yet somehow, we arrive.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Our struggles unearth our strengths.

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Working on Crowd Control (Blog #188)

Currently it’s after midnight, and I’m house sitting for some good friends who have two cats named Oscar and Riley. Just moments ago I sneaked a selfie with Riley, who’s hanging out on the dining room table. I’ll be here for a while, so expect a lot of pictures of me and cats. I mean, they’re adorable, even though Riley threw up this afternoon, probably to let me know that my stay here isn’t going to be a complete cakewalk. Or maybe the vomit was just a commentary on my outfit. It’s hard to say because I don’t speak feline. Anyway, in addition to having two cats, my friends also have a hot tub, and I’ve told myself I can’t use it tonight until I finish blogging. I figure that’s better than coming in all limp and tired and passing out on my keyboard. But if this ends up being my shortest blog yet, you’ll know why.

I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve spent the afternoon watching so much Netflix that my eyeballs feel like they’re going to fall out and roll across the floor, right past the cat vomit. (Just kidding, I cleaned it up.) I started with an episode of Embarrassing Bodies, then delved into a documentary called The Perfect Physique about the world’s top male fitness models. It was fascinating. One of the guys was the current Mr. Universe, another guy had a backpack specially designed for meal prep, and I’m pretty sure all of them had muscles in their earlobes. Of course, I’m always interested in psychology, so what I found most fascinating was why several of the guys got into body building to begin with. One of them had a wife who left him for a weightlifter. Another got bullied as a child. And even after winning Mr. Universe, that guy said he still wasn’t happy because he had to maintain his title and there’s always more to achieve.

I think what interests me about all this is that I often get pretty hung up on looks. I see someone on the cover of a magazine, and it’s easy to assume they have their all their shit together. But–duh–they’re only humans, each with his own story, motivations, and fears. All of us think we’ll be happy when, but happiness is an inside job. After all, if happiness is attached to having something like the perfect physique, a certain job, or so much money in your bank account, what happens when those things change?

Earlier today I saw my therapist–not like at the grocery store, but for therapy. We talked about the dream I had about her last week and the fact that her hair was unkempt in the dream. Well, over three years of therapy has paid off–my guess was right. Her messy hair had to do with my vanity and concern for outward appearances. I said that lately I haven’t been hyper focused on my physical body, but rather my circumstances–no boyfriend, no job, no place of my own, stuff like that. First, she reminded me that the image I have in my head of a successful man is a heterosexual stereotype, and I should take better advantage of the fact that I’m a homosexual and keep doing things the way I want to do them. Second, she said there are a lot of people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat.

I told my therapist that really, I’m the only one judging me. No one else in my life is giving me shit for anything. (She said this was partly the result of my having “cleaned house” with my relationships.) Then she said, “Yeah, you’re performing for an audience of one, and you’re a tough critic.” Then she added,

“You need to do some serious crowd control.”

After the Netflix documentary about the muscle gods, I went for a run for the first time in several weeks. Normally I would shoot for a solid hour of running, but–in the vein of being gentle with myself–I stopped when my body said to (around thirty minutes) and walked the rest of the way home. Feeling motivated, I sautéed some chicken and spinach for dinner. Well–apparently–it takes more than thirty minutes of cardio and one healthy meal to get on the cover of a fitness magazine, since no one’s contacted me about a photo shoot despite the fact that I’m right here metabolizing as we speak, in my underwear no less.

In addition to Netflix, I’ve been bingeing on self-help reading material lately. For a while I’ve been working through Pema Chodron’s Comfortable with Uncertainty, earlier this week I finished Childhood Disrupted (about how stress in childhood contributes to illness in later life), and I just started a book about a therapy technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I also have two other books cued up to read, but–suffice it to say–it’s a lot even for me. Anyway, part of this is my love of learning, but another part is the feeling that I need to change or fix something.

Specifically, me.

In this moment, we are all okay.

When my therapist and I talked about this today, she said that the desire for constant self-improvement carries with it a certain feeling of “I’m not good enough the way I am.” Pema Chodron refers to this as a subtle form of self-aggression. So I’m working on my relationship with my inner critic. Clearly he’s had his say, and it’s gotten us this far. But my therapist is right–it’s time for some crowd control. If I want to change something, fine. But I can do it because I love me and want my life to be different, not because there’s a problem with me right here, right now. In this moment, I’m okay. (I’m about to get in a hot tub.) But really–in this moment, we are all okay.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Every stress and trauma in your life is written somewhere in your body.

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The Beatles, Bananas, and Blogging (Blog #187)

Today I overslept, even by my standards, because I forgot to set my alarm last night. Despite the fact that I woke up “on my own,” I still had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready to go to my one hour of work this week. I guess there’s an advantage to having a dad who screams when he’s on the phone and a mom who tries to quiet him down by saying, “RON! BE QUIET–MARCUS IS SLEEPING!” I mean, who needs an alarm clock when you live with people who are losing their hearing?

This afternoon I met with the group of ladies I’ve been teaching lately. For about two months, they’ve been practicing a routine to perform at a talent show/fundraiser, and the event is next week. Today was our next-to-last rehearsal, and I think everyone was scared shitless. I guess this is how it should be. In my experience with dance performances and event planning, it doesn’t matter how early you start–everything comes together at the last minute. More often than not, things go better than planned. Thankfully, even when they don’t, life goes on.

Ob-la-di.

After dance I sat on the porch with Bonnie and Todd and convinced myself that drinking two beers was the equivalent of eating of a light, healthy dinner. Well, right about the time I was counting calories, Bonnie brought out Todd’s bananas, and I mean that literally because Todd has a banana tree in his backyard. Anyway, this was the first bunch Todd’s ever picked or plucked or whatever you do with bananas, so when Bonnie gave me a bite to sample, I kind of felt like a celebrity judge on one of those cooking shows. Taking care to cleanse my palate first with alcohol, I raised my pinky finger, placed the banana in my mouth, and tasted away. Well, we all agreed the bananas were still a little green, at least on the inside. Maybe that had something to do with Arkansas and bananas, but it could have just been that we ate them too soon.

When I left Todd and Bonnie’s, I went to the library, which is turning out once again to be a great place for high-speed internet and watching videos. Plus, it’s quiet and people leave you the hell alone. I did get a little nervous in the bathroom today, however, just after I’d used the urinal. Intent on washing my hands, I got distracted by the mirror and started dancing to the music in my headphones. Well, I heard a toilet flush, so I stopped. I’ve been caught again, I thought. But then I realized the flush came from the urinal I’d just used, since everything is automatic and on a slight delay these days.

Phew.

So I got to the library two hours before they closed and started watching a two-and-a-half hour video about personal transformation. Considering I have a hangup with completion, this thirty-minute time difference turned out to be a real problem. Well, since Starbucks is open late, I just went there to finish watching the video. This worked out beautifully, since I could really spread out, drink hot tea, and basically pretend I had a regular job–or just a job, period.

I guess I give myself a lot of shit about the fact that I’m not working and really earning a dollar lately. I mean, I pick up stuff now and then, but I spend most my time going for walks, reading books, and blogging, none of which currently pay the bills. Whenever I talk to my therapist about this, she says it would be difficult to not feel pressure about not working because I’m a man who lives in America, and pretty much everyone over here believes men should work for money and money is equal to self-value. But she also says I don’t have to play by everyone else’s rules, that what I’m doing now is an investment, and she thinks that investment will pay off. In her words, “It’s just the way the universe works.”

Some days it’s easier to believe this than others.

When I first started blogging, I was checking my site stats every day to see how many people were visiting the site and how many pages they were clicking on. Well, this is an exhausting thing to do. No matter what the number is, you always wish it were higher. If one person comments or gives you a thumbs up, you want it to be two. All that being said, I just looked at my site stats, and they seem lower than normal. Of course, part of me gets why this could happen, and another part of me thinks, Fuck blogging–I could be watching Will and Grace.

All things become ripe when they’re ready.

It’s moments like these that I have to remind myself why I started this blog in the first place, and it wasn’t to get a certain number of page views each day. That’s nice if it happens, of course, but I started this blog to develop a discipline of consistent writing and to further my self-growth with daily honesty, vulnerability, and introspection. With those things as standards, this blog has been nothing but a success. When I really think about what this blog has done for me personally, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I guess sometimes I get so focused on some future performance that I forget to enjoy rehearsing, which is, of course, where the real work takes place. It’s like I’m trying to eat a banana while it’s still green, forcing something to grow before its time. With this in mind, I simply return to the keyboard, trusting that all things become ripe when they’re ready, things usually go better than planned anyway, and ob-la-di and no matter what, life goes on.

[Here’s a link to that song by The Beatles.]

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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The clearer you see what's going on inside of you, the clearer you see what's going on outside of you. It's that simple.

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Handing Out Gold Stars (Blog #186)

Earlier tonight I had a piece of food stuck in my teeth–well–in my permanent bottom retainer. You know how food gets stranded in your mouth, the way it hangs in there like a bad relationship, refuses to give up like Cher. You keep digging at the food remnant with your tongue, jabbing at it from all angles, swishing your spit around, hoping. Before long, you’ve got yourself a full-fledged hobby. Anyway, this went on for a couple hours with what I assume was a piece of tuna. Finally, I called for backup in the form of a toothpick, which quickly and easily dislodged the fishy little offender.

A toothpick–now there’s a novel idea.

Speaking of novels, I spent the evening at the library, mostly using the fast internet, but also reading. Earlier this summer I started watching TNT’s television show Will, which is about young, sexy William Shakespeare. Initially I was interested because Shakespeare was–I don’t know–a pretty good writer, but I don’t mind saying I’ve stuck with the series because of the young, sexy part. Anyway, as of today, I had three episodes left to watch, and midway through the second, I hit my mobile hotspot data limit. (When that happens, things slow way down. I can still blog, but video watching is challenging to the point that I start cussing.) So I went to library and finished the series.

Phew. Another item completed. I may have to give myself a gold star.

So I have this fear about undercooked chicken. Maybe I should start by saying I’m not the best in the kitchen–at least if we’re talking about preparing food. I mean, I don’t suck (again, at preparing food), but it’s rare that I don’t end up with a piece of shell in my bowl whenever I crack an egg. Several years ago I heard that you could put a can of beans directly on the stovetop in order to cook them, and I thought this sounded like culinary genius. Also, once while I was cutting up Velveeta cheese to microwave for cheese dip, I had a friend take away my knife because “I was doing it completely wrong.” Clearly, we all have our talents.

Anyway, anyone who can fuck up cheese dip can most certainly fuck up chicken, and I most certainly have on more than one occasion. Of course, if you’ve ever eaten undercooked chicken, you know it ain’t pretty. But what do you do? Obviously, you sit there, moan, and regret.

This may come as a surprise, but sometimes I can be a teensy bit dramatic and make things out to be a bigger deal than they really are. (I’ll give you a moment to get over the shock.) Well, earlier this year I told my sister that I was afraid of undercooking chicken, and she said, “That’s funny, it’s not complicated,” then explained the whole process. I thought, You can do this, Marcus. It’s just a damn bird. Since then, I’m proud to say, things have gone a lot better. Why, I even had chicken (and sweet potatoes and kale) for breakfast today.

Well.

When I left the library I went for a walk, first around a nearby park because there was a guy working out without his shirt on, then around a local neighborhood. Maybe thirty minutes into the walk is when my stomach started cramping. Putting both hands on my belly, I thought, Uh oh–the chicken. Immediately, I began power walking, simultaneously wondering, If I absolutely had to, could I shit in someone’s front yard and not get caught? Thankfully, it didn’t come to that. Actually, when I got to my car and sat down, the cramps got considerably better, so maybe it was just the exercise my stomach didn’t like.

For maybe a couple years I’ve had a book on my Amazon wish list called Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee by Austin Coats. I honestly don’t remember where I first heard about the book, but it’s a memoir about addiction. Several times since adding the book to my list, I’ve thought about reading it. But I’m always reading multiple books at any given time, addiction isn’t one of my favorite topics, and I figured the only reason the book kept catching my eye was because of the clever title. Anyway, for the last several days, I haven’t been able to get the title out of my head. Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee, Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee, Spoons Are for Stirring Coffee. You know how your brain puts stuff on repeat. Well, I’m always asking the universe questions, and I do believe this sort of thing (intuition) is one of the ways it can answer, so I started with Googling the author.

As it turns out, the author is from Fort Smith. That’s weird, I’m from Fort Smith too! Half expecting to hear the theme from The Twilight Zone, I looked around the room for hidden cameras and thought, Fine, you have my attention. I’ll buy the book. So now I’m a couple chapters into it, things are going fine except for the fact that the guy’s addicted to drugs, and I’ll report more later.

For the last hour and a half–the entire time I’ve been blogging–one of the virus scanners on my laptop has been downloading new virus definitions. Apparently it’s been two years since I’ve updated them. (Whoops.) Anyway, I guess the internet is really, really slow, and–oh my god, I’m not kidding–it just finished. That feels good. Another item completed. I may have to give my laptop a gold star.

Way to go, laptop.

One thing finishes, another starts. Things happen when they happen.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a hangup on completion, a big enough hangup that all my therapist has to do is say, “Completion,” and we can save about thirty minutes of dialogue because we’ve had that conversation so many times it’s not even funny. Still, it keeps coming up, so I guess we’re not completely done with the topic of completion. How’s that for ironic? Honestly, the more I live, I’m not sure that anything is ever done. I mean, I finished a television series today and picked a piece of food out of my teeth tonight after dicking around with it for two hours, but I still have a dozen other shows flagged to watch in my Netflix cue, and I plan to eat again tomorrow. One thing finishes, another starts. And as for why my stomach cramped up earlier or why I thought about buying that book for two years and finally did tonight, I can’t say. Things happen when they happen. But I’m starting to believe that the universe doesn’t hand out gold stars, at least for watching television shows or making cheese dip. If anything, the rewards come for simply braving the kitchen, for being willing to show up here in the first place.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Go easier on yourself.

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