This morning I woke up sick. It could be worse, so I’ve been telling myself that I “don’t feel so hot,” but sick is sick. I’m thinking it’s a possible cold or sinus infection. Sometimes that happens when I hang out in high altitudes for a few days. Regardless, something ain’t right. About twenty minutes ago I sat down to blog, and the hotel internet wasn’t working, and neither was my room phone, so I dragged my not-so-happy ass downstairs to the front desk to see what the hell was going on. (I tried to be pleasant.) The manager said she didn’t know about the phone problem, but that, yes, the regular internet network was on the fritz. Thankfully, she signed me on to a manager’s network. Not thankfully, the new network’s signal doesn’t reach to my room. I’m now using my hotspot, which is “fine,” but slower.

Honestly, it doesn’t feel fine. More specifically, I don’t. I hate being sick, alone, and out-of-town, and I’m currently trying really hard to avoid “the big whine,” which is a phrase I picked up this weekend. We’ll see how it goes. Considering my current mood, it’s possible this blog could turn into a medium-sized whine, or at least a small bitch. I mean, I’m trying to have a good attitude here, but when life kicks you in the nuts, you groan a little.

For the last three days, I’m been sitting in a chair staring at the backs of heads and listening to a guru talk about Vedanta. Lest anyone think I’ve joined a cult, I haven’t. (I’m sure they all say that.) Vedanta isn’t a religion, but rather a method, a tool that can be used for self or spiritual knowledge. In their tradition, “guru” simply means one who removes ignorance. (I’ve now started thinking of myself as a dance guru. Maybe my business card could say, “Are you a swing dancing sinner? Call Marcus and prepare to be enlightened.”) Anyway, even if the whole thing were a cult, as a gay man I’d have to insist they adopt more flattering outfits before I could join.

Also, I haven’t figured out what’s so spiritual about taking your shoes off and sitting on the floor.

The Vedanta classes this weekend were taught by James Swartz. Today James said, “Your feelings are the last thing you want to trust.” Having spent a few years in therapy talking about my feelings, hearing that felt a lot like having the wind let out of my sails. On the other hand, it felt exciting because my feelings are constantly changing and not exactly reliable. (Maybe yours are like this too.) One minute I’m frustrated, the next minute I’m angry, horny, tired, indifferent, or excited. If this is how my feelings work, why should I trust them? Part of the problem, I’m realizing, is the way we language our feelings. In truth, they’re only a small part of us, things that show up only to disappear, small waves within a big ocean. But we say, “I’m happy,” or “I’m sad,” as if one word or one feeling tells the whole story about who we are.

Obviously, there’s more to us than that.

For the majority of this weekend, James referred to a particular chart. It’s too complex to go into the whole thing at the moment, but I’d still like to share it for the purpose of talking about one aspect of it. In the middle of the chart, there are three circles with initials–I for Intellect, E for Ego, and M for Mind. James said ideally the intellect is above (and therefore informs) the mind, which in their system is where our emotions and feelings are. For example, if you believe that you’re a spiritual being having a human experience and not the other way around, then that knowledge should inform and affect your feelings about any given situation. What happens with most of us, however, is that the script gets flipped–our ever-changing mind (again, meaning our emotions and feelings) gets above of our intellect and tells us what to think based on how we feel.

Since our feelings are constantly changing, this, of course, is exhausting.

All of this makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve woken up sick so many times, and each time I freak out. I think, Shit, not again, then immediately jump into what I could have done differently or what a terrible person I am. Naturally, this makes me no fun to be around, and since I’m mentally beating up on myself, I start mentally beating up on everyone else too–total strangers in organic fibers just sitting on the floor and trying to learn like I am. Basically, I let the way I feel determine what I think. This sucks.

But the truth is that even though my body isn’t “feeling so hot,” today was a gorgeous day. Colorado is beautiful, and whereas there may not be a lot of air here, there is air. I’m still alive. I spent the weekend with some wonderful people, seekers like me, and I’m currently in a warm bed. And regardless of how I wake up feeling tomorrow, there should be a free, tasty breakfast downstairs. I can think of worse ways to begin a week. I’ll let you know how it goes, but I am starting to believe that I’m much more than my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Specifically, I’m much more than my sinus congestion, bad attitude, or big whine, since those are things that change, waves that are ever appearing and disappearing within the big, steady ocean of life.